Dear Fast Ed and the boys at the Sunoco,

It's finally Spring over here. It's planting time and I'm helping out some of the boys when I get some free time. Those boys go pretty much round the clock when it's time to go. The tractors over here is bout the same as ours. Some of the boys even got themselves deeres. So things are a hoppin here in Mozkojedy. My job teaching at the farm school is going just fine. Evenings pretty much finds me sitting at U Bricho, ain't nothing else to do round here.All the tv is in Czech and it's about the damnedest language there is. Well, more about that later, I don't want to get all worked up into a dander now. A couple of folks here gots a dish on their house, but it don't pick up TNN, CMT, PTL, or even ESPN 10. What they do pick up is all in some other language that I cain't make heads or tails of.

Well, last weekend was Easter Monday. Yup, you heard me right, Easter Monday! It is the most heathen thing on earth too. I was in bed for two days afterwards. I like to never got through the day teaching. Of course the students was pretty quiet, heckfire some of them was worse off than me, if that's possible. I was as pale as a preacher caught poking a pony. I just went home and lay in bed a moaning and a groaning, couldn't hold nothing down niether. It was just an all around misery.

Now, I swears what I'm gonna tell you is the gospel truth. We do the holiday on Monday, but we don't even go to church! That ain't no problem with me though. You see, alls we got is a catholic church. There ain't no Hellfire's Awaiting Antiot Baptist Churches in my burg.All the same the boys from the Bricho drag me out of bed at 7:00 in the morning. Well, I sure as the hell weren't none too happy about about it niether.But the boys was smiles all around. Ain't none of these boys speak English beyond ,"Delbert," and , "That's for Del" (Dopr Deli) . My lessons at the Bricho don't seem to be sinking in none too well, but of course I ain't exactly rattling off the ol cesko myself. Damned thing is we seem to understand eachother while we're there.

Well anyway, the boys was all standing around grinning like possums eating persimmons with these long switches in their hands all strung out with ribbons. Then they pull me out of the door. If I'd a known wahat was going to follow, I'd a broke free and hid in bed all day. We head over to the first neighbors the Gott's. So we knock on the door and waltz right on in like we owned the place. Didn't even take our shoes off like you normally got do like you was in Japan or something. The boys start grabbing the women folk and hiding them real good and hollering"Hady, Hady co pro vody." I think it means the snake is looking for water. Then the gals gives us all an egg! Hell, if I'd pulled something like that back home, I figure I'd get some rock salt in the hindquarters. Then they offer us a half a sandwich. (They's pretty poor over here still and can't afford to put bread on both sides.) Then the men folk poor us each a shot of something or the other. Some stuff called Becker's over and Furnyet. They call 'em appertites. I reckon so, anything to get that taste out of your mouth.

Then there was all the usuals, vodka, something called room, There is also this vice drinks, plum vice, peach vice, and cherry vice. They is right, it is about like putting your head in a vice. Well ain't no sooner we all poured outa one door we stumbled right into another. This kept a going on and on. Finally we get to Tonda's house. ( They call him Tonda on account of that's about what he weighs. But, boy can he put down the beer!) We spanked all they women and his Granny gave us some Gulash .I was really looking forward to something warm, those sandwiches are ok, but when a man's a drinking like that; he needs a full stomach of something substancial. It was called serengetti gulash. I reckon because it was so dry. To look at it you'd think it was Dinty Moore's beef stew, but with no taters. That's a shame, cause I'd really have liked something I could chew up. It was kinda like beef jerky. You keep chawing on it, but you don't really get nowhere. I reckon somebodies cow keeled over from old age last week.

So then we was off for more spankin and drinkin. I wanted to go home, but the boys weren't having none of it. They kept on draggin me from house to house. Now what follows is what I remember because it stands out. I'm sure there was some more stuff, but I just can't recolect too well. About the last thing I remember, well Hell, ain't never gonna forget this one. Was the Klause's. (No relation to Santa, ha ha) There's this onery ol cuss named older .lives in the village and he joined us going up the drive. Older was about three sheets in the wind. We all went in and commenced to the spankin. There was the granny, an aunt, Mrs. Klause and their daughter Sharka. Sharka is a real mean one. She's always screaming and yelling at everybody. You can hear her all night long. Older gets ready for his turn and bends her over the couch and yanks up her skirt! He proceeds to spank her for a bit and then the old fool drops his drawers! No telling what the idiot was thinking, but you knnow the saying about drinking,"you might et Julie, But you ain't shakin your spear." You'll never believe what happened next. The dumbass just cuts loose and starts peeing on her butt!

I was waiting for Klaus to just tear into him and kill the old jackass, but Klaus was just rolling on the floor laughing! About this time sharka showed her teeth. I guess she'd been in shock up till now. She reared up and caught Older with a right and dropped him in his tracks. Well, it weren't hardly fair, the old guy had this pants hanging down to his knees and couldn't have gotten away if he'd wanted to. He lay there a spouting like a fleur de lee!Sure wasn't any of us coulda helped him. We was all just busting our guts laughing. Finally Mrs. Klaus and the Aunt muscle Sharka in the next room and we all get on aout of there. Finally I convinced the boys it might be a good idea to call it a day. Yeah, call it a day and it weren't even noon yet.

The village looked like some sort of secret weapon had went off. The men was staggering all over the place. Some of them was even sleeping on the sidewalk. I got home, but it weren't no use. I couldn't get the key in the lock so I headed toward the hospoda. I was shanghied by Alex's wife first. She was yelling and screaming like something was really wrong, and it was. Next thing you know Alex comes staggering out of the house. His face was redder than Zeman's nose. ( That's what the locals say, I ain't sure what it means.) And there was yellow and white stuff oozing out of his head. Scared the hell right out of me. I figured he done busted his head wide open and the brains were coming out. I tried to help, but when I got closer I noticed it weren't his brains at all, but Tater salad! Seems Alex passed right out in a big ol platter of deep fried pork chops fresh from the fryer. Well that lit a fire under him, so to speak. He panicked and didn't know what to do, and the first thing he saw was the tater salad so he stuck his head in the whole bowl to try and cool his face off.


As soon as I realized he was going to live, I headed back to the bar. Next thing I knowed I seen older laying out front of his place moaning and groaning. Sharka only got him once, but he was looking like he'd been tenderized! He was all over black and blue. Then out from a bush leaps this banshee just a wailing and shrieking at me holding a frying pan. It was Older's wife. Seems somehow she found out about Older and Sharka and wasn't none too pleased. As I closed in on the bar I see something else laying around. The hospoda sits at the bottom of a long hill. Goats are kept in this field to keep the hill clean. There's some houses at the top of the hill, a church, and a park.. What ever it was in the field was all covered in green and brown, kind of like one of them soldier of fortunes. I got closer and saw it was Fanta. He'd been up at the park going home and decided to have one more and took the short cut through the goat pasture. He must've slipped on a goat pie on the top and tumbled down the whole way getting grass stains on him and hitting quite a few more pies on the way down. I sure wasn't going to help him so I went on in to the bar. Next year I am for certain staying home and sleeping.