I do Delmonte ( adult Content)

Hey there!

Y'all ain't gonna believe this. I don't rightly even know where to start. I was just walking down the street, minding my own business. I was looking to paint the town red as I'd just got paid and I was looking for a good time. ( you know what I mean.) They got some places over here that put ol' Pauline's to shame.Back to the point, anyway I was just walking down the street keeping my eyes open for just such a place, when I see's a bunch of bikers, or so I thought. (turns out I was wrong) I always got on pretty well with that bunch from the Squashed Skunk, So I reckoned I'd stop in and have a few and maybe they'd know where to find what I was looking for. So anyways, I gets to the door and this feller, Craig, says in English," You got a ticket?" I says, :"No" and he tells me it'll be 2,500 crowns. Well, Hell's bells! That's pretty steep. So I asked him who the band was a gonna be. He says there ain't no band and points to this poster. It turns out it were a fun forty-two party. Whatever that is. I've heard of 69ing, but I never heard tell of 42ing.

I tells this Craig feller that I was really looking to sow some wild oats. He says that I come to the right place and he was sure I'd find whatever it was I was looking for. Then he said something about my coveralls and flannel shirt and asked me if I liked pigs. I said pork was fine with me, but I'd take a steak over it any day.Well, then I went inside and let me tell you, it damn sure was something else! I reckon some of 'em was worried about that Osama fellow because they was wearing gas masks and there was some nurses too. There was a few guys decked out like wrasslers , they had masks and all. There were some others looked like they was rejects from that Mad Max movie. Get this, there were some gals looked kinda like that Pinhead guy from them scary movies. Then there were some others I just can't rightly describe.About that time this one fller ambles over and says," Just look at you big boy, oooowwee." He sounded kinda like a hog or something.

I didn't know wether to hightail it on out of there or hang around and see what in tarnation these folks was up to. In the end I decided since I forked out the cash, I might as well get my moneys worth. I started walking around abit when I sees this big ol' pile of fruit and cool whip. I sees this other fller is eating some. Must not have had any upbringing because he weren't using no silverware. I head on over and I sees why. There weren't no forks or nothing. Well, I paid good money so I figured I might as well get some fruit out of the deal. Where that other feller had been at was a clear spot and it looked like some meat under there. Well, I took a big bite and the next thing you know all Hell breaks loose! First I hear a scream kinda like a rabbit makes, just sends the shivers down your backbone. Then the fruit and coolwhip go a flying! It turns out there was a gal a hiding under all that fruit.

I was trying to apoligize to her, I ain't never been so embarrassed in my life, when ol' Craig come a running over. I explains to him that I didn't know there was no gal in amongst all that fruit and coolwhip. I says I was right sorry and I'd pay for the damages. He just rolls his eyes and tells me to sit down and behave myself. Turns out it was a fruit lady, but she weren't none too happy about being a meat lady.Well these women over here are pretty amazing. Turns out they had a beer lady too. Now, I cain't figure out how they done it, because I couldn't see no hoses, but you just stick your glass under there and she fills it right up! A bit warm, but that's how they like it over here. At least it didn't have a big head on it. It tasted just like American beer too.

After awhile these two cuties come over and asked me if I wanted to join them. I says well sure and we go over to this here room and go in. Well, let me tell you, I'll be damned if they wasn't all naked and a rolling round in a big ol' pile. It liked a family reunion over at the Clinton place.Those gals just started stripping down and I was too. About then somebody must have told a real knee slapper because everyone starts a giggling and chuckling. I didn't catch all the joke but I heard somebody say," Who would have thought it possible on a guy THAT big." I reckon that was the punch line.Then this other gal comes over dressed all prim and proper like a school marm. She says that's just the way she likes 'em and takes me to this other room looked kinda like a school room. She asks me if I'd been a bad boy, Tommy. She wanted to call me Tommy and for me to call her Miss Helga.

I tells her I ain't been a bad boy, but she says she heard I'd been a really bad boy and then she takes the pointer and swats me right across the butt with it! Then she starts in with how I shouldn't do this or that and then she says it's time for lessons to start.She hikes up her dress and she ain't wearing no underwear. I ain't gonna go into to no details, but It was the most fun I ever had in a classroom. Only thing was I lost my chewing gum somewheres.After that these two nurses and a doctor grabs ahold of me and asks me if I had a health certificate or not. They said if I didn't have one, I'd have to go home to America. I said I didn't but lucky for me they said They'd get me one. I followed them to their office and they told me to lay on they table. The nurses start to poke and prod me and wash me all up. They cleaned me real good, inside and out, if you know what I mean. Then outta the corner of my eye I see the doc putting on the rubber gloves. Well, I knowed what was coming next. And sure enough I had to bend over the table and OH! That doc had the biggest fingers, damned big. Thank God ol' Doc Rainey didn't have them that big. Well, he kept at it for the longest time and did it ever hurt! It hurt like the Dickins! Ow!vFinally he finished and they told me I was fine and they'd mail me my certificate.

I went back to the big room and got myself another beer. I had to sit down because I was just tuckered out. Well you know how beer does me, goes through like the Chatahuchi river. I asks this guy next to me where the best place to take a leak was and he points me to another room. Well, I reckon this was the waiting room, and these folks had been waiting for a long time, because some of them just couldn't hold it no more and whoosh, away they'd go. They floor must have been getting real slippery too because a few of these folks had done fell down. The worst part was the folks who couldn't hold it no more weren't turning away, but going right on 'em! I decided I didn't have to go that bad and went to hunting another place. Pretty soon I found another bathroom and there weren't even no lines. I wondered if I should go back and tell those others about it, but I figured it was already too late.As I was walking down the hall, I her this gal a screaming bloody murder. I froze in my tracks.

My mind was torn between getting out of there or helping. In the end I figured I'd better do the right thing. I bust in there and there's this gal all tied down to this tortue rack with clamps all over her body and this one guy is even dripping candle wax on her! I gets all set to to start kicking some butt and saving this poor lady, but then I notice one of the guys is wearing a police uniform. I says to myself," oh, oh Delbert. You really done it this time. You done stumbled into the secret police or something. They probably caught a spy or something."Well, I sure as **** didn't want no problem with THOSE people, so I apologized and scooted right back out of there and headed back the way I'd come. I got my things together and skeedaddled back home. I locked my door and lay in the tub for awhile. Funny thing is, I still don't know what 42ing is.