I went to woodstock But it ain't what you think

Like Aunt Minnie used to say, "Hooooowdy!" Well it just keeps a coming over here. Now I got my leg in this cast, and as usual there's a story behind it. I guess I might as well start from the start, huh?

Well, the fellers from the Bricho took me to this show, cept it turned out to be a three day concert.It was in this town called "turd n off" ain't sure what it means in English, cept it ain't what you'd be thinking. Ain't nothing turned out like you'd think it would this weekend.

They called this thing "Woodstock" but Jimmy weren't there. At least I was pretty sure that weren't Jimmy. They was holding seances and trying to revive folks. But I reckon this weren't Jimmy cause it never had no accent like that. They tryed to revive more folks also, but I figure the whole thing was a fake, cause ain't none of 'em looked like ghosts too me. It could'a been one of them there talkin in tongues things like over at the Nazerine church in Pokeville.

That weren't the only religion going on. There was some of them there Hairy Krista's there too. Don't rightly know why they call 'em hairy, cause they is all as bald as Kojak. But they weren't the only strange ones, there were somemore hairless folks and they called them selves skins. Then there were these real hairy hippy types running around. There was a real assorted bunch of wierdos. Gotta give 'emm credit, they didn't leave nobody out. Then there was these Punks. They was all wearing shirts saying how they weren't dead. I figure they weren't none too bright cause it was pretty obvious that they wasn't. I mean they was walking around and all. Lessen of course they was zombies; could've been they sure was strange looking critters.
Then there was these metal heads. They call 'em that cause they all got plates in their skulls from banging their heads up and down. I really ain't sure why they does it.

We pitched our tent not more than a few field goals from the main stage. This weren't the best idea, as I'll tell you later. We sat around for a bit and had a few and then we mossied over to the main stage.there were three shows going on at the same time. I already told you about the tent revivial, then there was another tent full of those Kristas. They was a sitting around humming and moaning and groaning. I figure they done been eating too much of that samzeny syr and their works was a clogged up. You know how it can be when you got to drop a load but cain't. Of course after I seen them port a potties, I figured they was probably better off anyway.

Well, we got to the main stage but had to stand way in the back cause there weren't no seats left. There was some real winners back there too. There was this one English speaking gal who kept asking everybody in English to sit down cause she couldn't see! Sometimes these people embarass me. It tweren't bad enough she expected 20 people to sit down on the sidewalk in spilt beer and what all, but she kept on repeating it over and over, in English!

It was about this time I decided I better go walk around cause as obnoxious as that gal was, her boyfriend was even worse. He must have had a sore throat cause his voice was just as grating as it could be and he seemed proud of it, cause he kept shouting "Death" over and over. I reckoned he weren't gonna shut up no time soon, so I skeedaddled before I granted his wish. No wonder we foreigners get bad names with idjits like them on the loose.

About midnight, I was feeling wore out and wanted to get some sleep, but the fellers made it clear that the ruckus was going to be non-stop all weekend. So, I just crawled into my sleeping bag and tried to bury my ears and catch a few winks. Bout the time I finally started to doze off, somebody starts shaking my tent and saying, "Come on Del, time to go see a good band!"I said there weren't no use in walking over there as I could here just fine from my tent.

Well next morning was a real sight in the evening all them freaks coulda got a good job with Col. Charon's travelling freak show, or at least as carnies, but in the morning it was real ugly. They was all hungover and bleary and drinking wine out of boxes to get going again. Then i hears someone shout," There he is, that's him!" Now, when i hear that, I always head the other way cause there's too many times I ain't sure what I ended up doing, and don't really want to know. So i started to hightail it on out of there when I hears some more. ( When you're away from God's tongue for awhile, you'd be surprised how well you can hear it.) One of 'em said," with me and so-so. That's the bloke I'm sure. Hey! Hey! Delbert!"

Turns out it was that P.T. feller from England and he had a crew with him too. There was four of them and they was all totin bottles of vodka. Ol' P.T. walks over, cept he was taking the scenic route, if you know what I mean. He was avoiding the straight line. He introduced me to his mates, as he called them. Guess they'd all been to sea together. He was with this gal called, Whoooooa, a feller named Gizzard who was a fry cook and owned a cafeteria, another fry cook (I guess) named KFC and this one guy they just called a mean sort.

They is all talking about this next act and dragging me over to the main stage. Seems some supposed Lesbians was coming up next. Well I was thinking to myself,"Hotdamn! Now this could be something worth seeing." Well, it was just another dissapointment. Some of these supposed Lesbians was even guys! Oh well, there weren't hardly a normal band all weekend anyway. Just a bunch of hootin' an a hollerin' and people running around with their arms strecthed out like they was airplanes and all sorts of durned foolishness. I always like my bands to have guitars and drums. The best bands was the revivialists over at the revivial tent. Well ol' P.T. was dissapointed too. He kept saying, "I don't see no Lesbians. Where's the lesbians?" So we all left.

We was walking along and this feller with his face all painted in black and white starts blocking our way. He couldn't talk, but he was trying to tell us something with his hands. Ol' Mean Sort just up and decks him! Easy to see how he got his name. Mean muttered something about bloody mimes. This guy sure was bloody, kinda added some color to him too.

Remeber how on those old National Geographies they used to show them boys jumping out of that big ol' treehouse with grapevines tied around their ankles? They do something like that here too, 'cept they call it bungee jumping. You might have seen it on TV before.

Well we watched for awhile, and those Englanders kept right at those bottles. They offered me some, but I just reached in my overalls and pulled out a bottle of Plum squeezin's and we all had a few snorts of that.

I got to talking to that Gizzard feller and it turns out he knows how to make Chili and Bar b q. I promised to bring along some of mine next time I was in prague and we'd have a regular to-do and even play some poker. Well, while we was flapping our jaws, P.T., KFC, Mean Sort and Whoooooa had done went and got in line to jump and Whooooooa was first to go.

Looking back on it all, I got to think the good lord was looking out for me and Gizzard. PT and Mean were next in line so they was real close to that big ol' crane they was all jumping from. Now, i don't don't reckon i've ever seen anything so funny in my life, and Gizzard said he's certain he ain't. I reckon my side hurt for days afterwards.

When she got to the top, she sort of staggered out and jumped. I thought she tripped and fell, but that ain't the point. She started off with a great big ol' "Whhhhoooo, but it trailed off into a real quick gurgle. Then the sky filled with vodka, slivo, and breakfast. Mighta been gulash. I weren't close enough to tell and Mean and PT weren't in no mood to discuss it, even though me and Gizzard tried to get 'em to tell us; but we was in a sorry shape and couldn't hardly get a word out between laughs. Hell, Gizzard even squirted vodka out of his nose it was so damned funny.

Well, that Newt feller was just plain wrong! Things don't fall at the same speed cause Whoooaa went faster than her breakfast. Kind of went through it , instead of the proper way, it going through her. That caused it to spread out a bit cause she was a flailing her arms around. Then things got worse. She went through it again on the way up!

I felt sorry for the poor gal. It weren't none too lady like and all. I reckon the smell wasn't too pretty niether ( you know how it was when one kid puked on the bus, kind of like a trigger) cause she proceeded to puke some more, and more while she was bouncing up and down and twirling around.She was a just filling the sky with breakfast. I tell you I sure wished i'd a had a video camera. That damned sure would have won some kind of a prize somewheres.

Well, after they got her down, she just stormed off and PT and Mean weren't too far behind her. I don't know what they ended up doing, cause there weren't no showers around. Those fellers running the jump weren't none too pleased. They was a hollering out the choicest czech words I ever did hear.

I dodged that bullet, but I sure caught the next one. There I was just a sitting and watching the show. I finally done found me a good seat when these guys come over trying to get me to scoot over or leave or something. I told them guys If it was all the same to them I'd just stay where I was, cause I was plum tuckered out. Then they tells me it is for the president! Now I've heard some whoppers in my days, but this took the cake! They nailed for a foreigner and was just trying to také my seat. I knew durned good and well weren't no way Clinton would come all the way over here to this Hootenanny and then sit down in the middle of it!

Well, these boys weren't none to small and a couple of 'em had badges, so in the end I just vamoosed. I was just a steaming until I met the boys from mozekojedy, and they explained it weren't for Clinton, it was for the Czech President, Havel! Sure enough, there he sat.

I felt real bad, so I went back over to make amends. I reached into my overalls to get to the Slivo and offer him a drink, since he was so down home and all. Next thing I knew I was being drug away to this tent I ain't seen before. After the doctors was certain my skull weren't broke, they wrapped my foot up in a část from where somebody kicked me. That was the end of my woodstock experience.