Well, I was cleaning out the place and I come across this here pile of papers. They was mailed to me and I never bothered to read them until the other day. The fact they was in an envelope inside the one they was mailed in and labeled, “You Bastard” didn’t help none. Well, I figure I ought to just go ahead and post it here!
The Great Carp Hunt
By
Lovec s. Antonsyn
It’s 4:30am in Kozojam and thing aren’t pretty. I sit here with only dollars in my pocket. I have to get out of here. The natives have turned ugly and our sponsors, the Stavkař team have disavowed any connection with us. I have to catch a local train to Sv. Michael, and then another one to Kralupy where we then get on a train to Prague. But there are problems.
I am sitting here with all the windows open and Dechova music playing. All the other Chatas are quiet, but not mine, I have my fan on full blast to keep the mosquitoes and the damned stinging nettles at bay. I don’t even know what to call these things that look like flying ticks hoovering around my glass of Bozkov rum.
I have to pick up my adviser and friend Mel Poorer. We both have to také this broken and trashed Skoda 120L and drive the 10 km to the train station, board the train and escape, all without paying a massive bill. The bill at the main office for a week at the chata, plus damages, plus the liters of slivovice, a double toed foot carved out of sandstone, the granat, and hruskovice and vinovice are way more than we have between us.
Nobody believes we are who we say we are. They have all deserted us. How did this happen?
Dear Mr. Antoninsyn,
Here’s the schedule of events at the Kozojam Tournament. We are thrilled you can join us. The tourney is a biggest fish everday, plus a one shot carp only day. Highest total will win. Every night will be a Kolbasa roast and beer party. We expect over one hundred people. The train leaves Prague at 3:45. No visa is required, nor shots. Although it is rude not to have shots when offered.
Indeed, no shots. I knew better than that. I had been outside Prague before. That is why I needed this vacation. The grueling schedule of deadlines about the latest Czech personality who could speak English so I could get an interview was bad enough. But, I was also doing restaurant reviews and the night clubs, and the kino schedule. I was frazzled and near breakdown. The prospect of a carp hunt was for me was just what the doctor ordered.
When I arrived in Kozojam, they were there to meet me. They were thrilled to have a real American Journalist working for a genuine Prague newspaper. They threw my bags in a Skoda Favorite, and I thought, “Why not?” and all this, Pan Anotininsyn, and respect were great. I wanted to stay at the autocamp in a chata, but they said, “Ne Pan Antoninsyn, you have a room at the Pension!”
On the trip the driver told me. “The family that has the pension owns half the town. They are the town concil and they own the hospoda. The autocamp is not for people like you. All they have is an obcerstveni.”
***************
I had been to these villages before. The ponds were filled with fishermen. They fished until late and then the party began. I had tried to arrange a night fishing, for the big ones, but it couldn’t be done. I was talking to a local, me so drunk on Pivo and slivo that I understood the local perfectly even though he spoke no English. “ Ne, noc ne, ale pro tebe, DO PRDELI!!!! AJ JA JA JAAAAAAAA!” Well, I thought, “this guy hates foreigners,” but then I noticed he was tearing at his shirt and another guy was laughing as he tried to reel him in after hooking him with a number 3 laser carp hook. The maddness was too much for me and I left. Back at the chata Jana was waittting for me and we got into the Trabant and went cruising. I was slugging back more and more Slivo and soon I began to go crazy. We steered the Trabant back toward the pond and the obcerstveni near by.
We crashed through the hedges and parked. The headlights were shining on the shocked fishermen and tha campfire. I jumped out and shouted in my best Czech, “Ahoj! Dobry dano! Jak she mash? Ty vola! Vola! Vola! Ty Vool!” I could see that wasn’t working and indeed they were looking a bit angry. So then I turned to the obcervestni keeper, “Please! I need,” then I blanked out. What the Hell did I need? Why was I in a village? I backed off slowly and dived into the Trabant with Jana, but Jana wasn’t there, it was a big eel! A big eel was jabbering at me about something involving pareks and rohliks. What in the Hell was going on? I started screaming and ran for my life. All this time I heard chants of pivo and curses from hell. All I remember was some Latin sounding chants, “cizinec bulby, cizinec bulbi!”
I awoke some days later by the railroad tracks hidden under a bush. Then I managed to get home. That experince had left me shaken and wiser. I knew what I was getting into this time.
******
So, the night before the touney was to begin, we were in the pension restaurant knocking back the pivo and slivo with some damned toothpaste tasting green shit in between. Then came some vodka some real mind bending pig tranquailizing stuff called fornet-23. It was foul and obnoxious, yet, well why spoil it. It is still legal in some parts of the world.
About this time my advisor Mel started screaming about the ODS and that they were fucking all the little girls and selling them to the Germans for the highest prices. "You rapers! They are commies under a different name! Nothing has changed!” I rushed over and bought some pivo for the people in earshot. “Damnit Mel!” I whispershouted into his ear. “Just be cool. It’s not your country. We have to get out of this assignment alive.”
Then he shouted again. “And the Gypsies! You bastards! You are like the,” He didn’t finish that one. I sprayed him in the face with Beecherovka. He was writhering on the floor before the locals could react. I dragged him out the door and threw him in the pond. After he crawled out we climbed into the Skoda and sped off. 10 minutes later we were on the other side of the pond. I parked the car and looked up into the sky. I must have felt the effects of the slivo for I thought I was staring into a revolving beer ad. The kind that the light went up and down and changed colors and you wondered how they did it until you smashed one and saw it was all just colored glass. While I was contemplating this, Mel came out screaming, “Damnit! Damnit! I’ve found the Czech dream! It’s what we are here for! You’ve got to meet these people!”
My memory of that night is very hazy. The smoke stains on my retena may never go away. We were at the obcerstvni. It is a little place hidden away serving smoked sausage and shots of everything. I remember meeting Franta. He was the dealer of the area. He slid a silver flask to me. I started to open it. “Not here!” he hissed. “In the bathroom!” I went in and took a snort. It was high grade almost pure something-ovice. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. It was clear we would need gallons of this stuff to be on the edge and get into the minds of the people around us.
I don’t know when we got back to the pension or how we got in. Judging from the scowls and disdain that rained down upon us, it must have been a rude entry. Needless to say we missed the first morning of the fish contest. It went that way all week. We kept hitting the ovice to keep sane among these people who sat all day upon the wildly spinning and heaving banks of the pond. Yes, the stavkař people had had enough of us and doubted we were with the number one English newspaper in Prague at all.
I forget which day it was, I think it was Thursday when we were at the obcerstvni, sitting at the picnic table with the grease smoke and sizzling sausages in the air. There was a british couple nearby. We were quiet, listening to them to see if they were just decoys or not. A green Skoda Favorite kept going past, making laps around the pond. Mel said, “That Skoda is making me nervous. You know what they said about that family.” I replied staring straight at the Brits. “Don’t worry. We’ve got a bunch of Ukers from Kiev coming in, besides, they wouldn’t dare try anything here in daylight. They’ll wait until they get a permit. Today’s Thursday. They’ll have to wait until Monday when the “uřad’ is open. By then our Ukers will be trumps around here.”
“What,” said the man. “Surely not here? It’s so peaceful.” His wife nodded. I glanced at Mel. The mafia runs everything in this country. Problem is which mafia. The Israel, Ukraines, Russians, and even the Italians are here seeing who will get the prize.”
Mel took over, “Yeah that green car there is the mayor, he works for the Russians. He thinks he can push us around, but we got a surprise for him.”
We smiled as we watched the couple pack their caravan and speed off. We snuck off and hit the flask again. The problem was the story wasn't ’oming along. I had nothing. I wanted to know what it was like out there fighting a big one and getting him up to shore. We had to find a guide and go after a real fish. Maybe a sharp toothed needle mouthed Pike , or better yet a night sessions after a sumec. A sumec is a freak of nature that grows over two meters long and eats ducks and swans. They have even been rumored to také down a kid or two.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
delbert vs kalgonites
will make alot more sense if you've read this first:
http://www.expats.cz/prague/p-611495.html#post611495
Howdy Elmer!
What's new in Possum Pouch? Last I heard Skeet's goat had twins. Times over here just get weirder and weirder, let me tell you! I ventured into the big city again. You know every time I go there something happens. I try not to go, but these darned beerocrats always making you get something stamped and then the stamp stamped, and that super legalized, and then translated into English and back into Czechinese. It ain't believable, hardly. So I guess I better cut to the chase. I know you all is dieing to know what Delbert done done this time.
So, I was tuckered out and wanted to sit down and have a cold one and I headed up towards the Czech White House on top the hill. But I soon found a place that had Chili! Yup, claimed so anyway. Place called the Zlooty Ruse. Feller who's the fry cook is nice enough. It ain't real crowded and you can kick back and také it easy. I even got him to play some Lynard Skynard, that and a cold one, this Czech stuff called Budweiser, but believe me it ain't the same. It was that or Goat beer. I don't even want to know how they make that! Gives me the heeby Jeebies just think about it! Well I had my Chili and I'll be damned if it weren't right tolerable. Actually had some soul to it.
There was some folks in there gabbing away about the dad blamed metrosexuals. Now I'm a reasonable man, but there's a time and a place for everything and I agreed with them. It ought to be against the law! People don't need to be having sex on them things, keep your britches on til you get home I always say.
Well, I left there and started down the hill to the Metro resolved to stick a boot up the butt of the first people humping in my compartment. But the durnedest thing happened. I sat near some Americans. They must have been from up North. You know how them Yankee gals do tend to holler every time they open their mouths. You can hear them from three acres away. They was a talking about their leader. I guess they reckoned nobody else in the world but them speaks English so they can yap away about anything, no matter how appropiate. They is worse than those people with moby phones.
Anyway, they was rattling on about how they was Kalgonites and thay was planning to také over the world! I kid you not! I wadn't gonna sit still for that, so I follered them around. They said something about a saptoe and their leader, Capitain Kal. It was one of them nutty cults, like the moonies, I figured. I wanted to know more. So I adopted my double naught spy* approach and stuck to them like a dried booger.
After awhile they got out and went into an abandoned Stalin statue. I couldn't get in, but I put my ear to the base and could hear just fine. They were clever this bunch, they had somebody puke all over the place to keep anybody from listening too close, but our nations security comes first and I did my duty for the good ole US of A.
Well, it seems this devious bunch was worshipping this alien feller named Kal Korb. "Korb," I says to myself, "If that ain't sinister, I'm a shoe sniffing dirty panty licking butthead!" They asked each other some code words that I ain't devulging here. I done went to the USA embassy and reported all I know and I don't want this information to fall into the wrong hand! Well, to put it short and sweet it seems their plan is to bring the world to its Knees by destroying the English language! Yes siree the first attack is to change nouns into verbs! If that ain't underhanded enough, they plan to reduce idioms to gibberish and then destroy diction. They are working hand in hand with another sleeper cell called the oxford commission.
Dad gummit! I am an English teacher and it rips my heart to shreds to see this happening. I can't sleep at night knowing this is going on. Those Kalgonites are pure evil. They is giving us all a bad name. Well, I'm making a stand. It ain't all coming down on my watch. I intend to do all I can to stop this diabolical plot from fruiting and bringing the world to it's knees! Wait a minute, I got to say this, there's pounding at my door! Shit, they're on to me! Listen this is very important! I think the metrosexuals are in on it too! The name of the paper Kal uses to send his subliminal message There went the door. The name is weguio?Igrijhghrghurguihghhrgioiortuy8tu54uyq88rghdsjvhoiruiou4ut5909ti90i4otrjiohfuiH[DW[FU8U34UTOIJ4IO3TOAUDUFG0NFDGHJJjkhrwehgioarjeiogjikfjhio'jatiojhiojaiothijaitjyakljoirjotgug8u95j4ynjnvuhawyfhgbrei90ugqijhhOIAfieuiotkndfh{DFjgkJHOIgoiarejhyoiaoighioaoiuhatjhiotbRiohjdnvjnoedhfgiohwoith jhvfgrwuh
http://www.expats.cz/prague/p-611495.html#post611495
Howdy Elmer!
What's new in Possum Pouch? Last I heard Skeet's goat had twins. Times over here just get weirder and weirder, let me tell you! I ventured into the big city again. You know every time I go there something happens. I try not to go, but these darned beerocrats always making you get something stamped and then the stamp stamped, and that super legalized, and then translated into English and back into Czechinese. It ain't believable, hardly. So I guess I better cut to the chase. I know you all is dieing to know what Delbert done done this time.
So, I was tuckered out and wanted to sit down and have a cold one and I headed up towards the Czech White House on top the hill. But I soon found a place that had Chili! Yup, claimed so anyway. Place called the Zlooty Ruse. Feller who's the fry cook is nice enough. It ain't real crowded and you can kick back and také it easy. I even got him to play some Lynard Skynard, that and a cold one, this Czech stuff called Budweiser, but believe me it ain't the same. It was that or Goat beer. I don't even want to know how they make that! Gives me the heeby Jeebies just think about it! Well I had my Chili and I'll be damned if it weren't right tolerable. Actually had some soul to it.
There was some folks in there gabbing away about the dad blamed metrosexuals. Now I'm a reasonable man, but there's a time and a place for everything and I agreed with them. It ought to be against the law! People don't need to be having sex on them things, keep your britches on til you get home I always say.
Well, I left there and started down the hill to the Metro resolved to stick a boot up the butt of the first people humping in my compartment. But the durnedest thing happened. I sat near some Americans. They must have been from up North. You know how them Yankee gals do tend to holler every time they open their mouths. You can hear them from three acres away. They was a talking about their leader. I guess they reckoned nobody else in the world but them speaks English so they can yap away about anything, no matter how appropiate. They is worse than those people with moby phones.
Anyway, they was rattling on about how they was Kalgonites and thay was planning to také over the world! I kid you not! I wadn't gonna sit still for that, so I follered them around. They said something about a saptoe and their leader, Capitain Kal. It was one of them nutty cults, like the moonies, I figured. I wanted to know more. So I adopted my double naught spy* approach and stuck to them like a dried booger.
After awhile they got out and went into an abandoned Stalin statue. I couldn't get in, but I put my ear to the base and could hear just fine. They were clever this bunch, they had somebody puke all over the place to keep anybody from listening too close, but our nations security comes first and I did my duty for the good ole US of A.
Well, it seems this devious bunch was worshipping this alien feller named Kal Korb. "Korb," I says to myself, "If that ain't sinister, I'm a shoe sniffing dirty panty licking butthead!" They asked each other some code words that I ain't devulging here. I done went to the USA embassy and reported all I know and I don't want this information to fall into the wrong hand! Well, to put it short and sweet it seems their plan is to bring the world to its Knees by destroying the English language! Yes siree the first attack is to change nouns into verbs! If that ain't underhanded enough, they plan to reduce idioms to gibberish and then destroy diction. They are working hand in hand with another sleeper cell called the oxford commission.
Dad gummit! I am an English teacher and it rips my heart to shreds to see this happening. I can't sleep at night knowing this is going on. Those Kalgonites are pure evil. They is giving us all a bad name. Well, I'm making a stand. It ain't all coming down on my watch. I intend to do all I can to stop this diabolical plot from fruiting and bringing the world to it's knees! Wait a minute, I got to say this, there's pounding at my door! Shit, they're on to me! Listen this is very important! I think the metrosexuals are in on it too! The name of the paper Kal uses to send his subliminal message There went the door. The name is weguio?Igrijhghrghurguihghhrgioiortuy8tu54uyq88rghdsjvhoiruiou4ut5909ti90i4otrjiohfuiH[DW[FU8U34UTOIJ4IO3TOAUDUFG0NFDGHJJjkhrwehgioarjeiogjikfjhio'jatiojhiojaiothijaitjyakljoirjotgug8u95j4ynjnvuhawyfhgbrei90ugqijhhOIAfieuiotkndfh{DFjgkJHOIgoiarejhyoiaoighioaoiuhatjhiotbRiohjdnvjnoedhfgiohwoith jhvfgrwuh
New phrase!
The Czechs say a person has poet's bowel. Must have to do with the poor diet of poets, I reckon.
New phrase!
The Czechs say a person has poet's bowel. Must have to do with the poor diet of poets, I reckon.
Monday, February 18, 2008
My hike you
Del’s Hikeyou
I just seen the finest sunset! It was pink-purple-red-purple-pink!
(Now some background so this makes sense. A hikeyou is a Chinese poem that don’t rhyme nor is it got more than a couple of words in a sentence.)
(Oh yeah, my balcony faces west and town is east of here.)
Dang
Beautiful sunset.
People going.
Into town.
They don’t look back.
I just seen the finest sunset! It was pink-purple-red-purple-pink!
(Now some background so this makes sense. A hikeyou is a Chinese poem that don’t rhyme nor is it got more than a couple of words in a sentence.)
(Oh yeah, my balcony faces west and town is east of here.)
Dang
Beautiful sunset.
People going.
Into town.
They don’t look back.
a letter I got
Well, I got this note in the e-mail.
Dear Del,
I see from your picture you’re a slob. You need to lose some weight and shave and I bet you’re missing some teeth. You’re probably a tobacco addict and i bet you stink like some kind carnivore!
Signed,
Expatress who left to get away from people like you!
PS: Dále Earnhardt is dead !
NASCAR sucks!
Go back to the hills and marry your sister!
Well, miss expatress, sorry Pat couldn’t stand you none. I think I can see why though. You do get tiring mighty fast. Only took me one sentence. I don’t need to lose no weight. I eat fine and healthy. Biscuits and gravy and meat and vegetables. Grow much as I can myself. Yes, I might be a bit of a slob. I could clean around the house more, but what the hey, ain’t nobody around to tell me no different.
Why should I shave? Heck, I can sleep a good ten miutes longer everyday and I am “green” (that means I ain’t clogging up my chimney burning all those disposable plastic things) !
I don’t know how many carnies you known, but I do také a shower pretty often.
OH yeah, tobacco. Yes, I do enjoy a big ol’ plug of some chaw now and again. But, it ain’t no regular thing. I mean I think it’s OK, But, I know what you mean about them addicts. My cousin, Eliot Mayfield, he has a chaw before his feet hit the ground in the morning!
My teeth? I ain’t no horse for you to be inspecting, but I do have a chip missing from one of them. I went and said something I shouldn’t have to someone I shouldn’t have said it to. Well, that’s water under the bridge.
NASCAR sucks? It is with great saddness I am not watching the Daytona 500 tonight. But it is interesting that the Formula one world champion couldn’t even qualify. Speaks volumes really.
My sister? Well, marry her? That just ain’t right.
Shoot fire, these days I ain’t disposed to marry any ladies. They is all too skinny. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. I want one who looks like she knows how to cook and enjoy tearing into some bar be qued ribs with corn bread and green beans and some peach cobbler with strawberry ice-cream to round it off.
But from your attitude I reckon you think I ain’t too much worth it. I’ll have you know back in the day I had honies that’s make ol’ Daisy Duke and Elly Mae Clampett jealous! All of ‘em had plenty of meat on them and you just can’t beat a halter-top and shorts!
BTW, they all had more to talk about than how the carnies smelled too!
What is it my daddy used to say? Oh yeah, now I remember, “Some gals play hard to get, some are. Some is easy and some just play that way.”
Thanks for writing Ms. Expatress
Dear Del,
I see from your picture you’re a slob. You need to lose some weight and shave and I bet you’re missing some teeth. You’re probably a tobacco addict and i bet you stink like some kind carnivore!
Signed,
Expatress who left to get away from people like you!
PS: Dále Earnhardt is dead !
NASCAR sucks!
Go back to the hills and marry your sister!
Well, miss expatress, sorry Pat couldn’t stand you none. I think I can see why though. You do get tiring mighty fast. Only took me one sentence. I don’t need to lose no weight. I eat fine and healthy. Biscuits and gravy and meat and vegetables. Grow much as I can myself. Yes, I might be a bit of a slob. I could clean around the house more, but what the hey, ain’t nobody around to tell me no different.
Why should I shave? Heck, I can sleep a good ten miutes longer everyday and I am “green” (that means I ain’t clogging up my chimney burning all those disposable plastic things) !
I don’t know how many carnies you known, but I do také a shower pretty often.
OH yeah, tobacco. Yes, I do enjoy a big ol’ plug of some chaw now and again. But, it ain’t no regular thing. I mean I think it’s OK, But, I know what you mean about them addicts. My cousin, Eliot Mayfield, he has a chaw before his feet hit the ground in the morning!
My teeth? I ain’t no horse for you to be inspecting, but I do have a chip missing from one of them. I went and said something I shouldn’t have to someone I shouldn’t have said it to. Well, that’s water under the bridge.
NASCAR sucks? It is with great saddness I am not watching the Daytona 500 tonight. But it is interesting that the Formula one world champion couldn’t even qualify. Speaks volumes really.
My sister? Well, marry her? That just ain’t right.
Shoot fire, these days I ain’t disposed to marry any ladies. They is all too skinny. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. I want one who looks like she knows how to cook and enjoy tearing into some bar be qued ribs with corn bread and green beans and some peach cobbler with strawberry ice-cream to round it off.
But from your attitude I reckon you think I ain’t too much worth it. I’ll have you know back in the day I had honies that’s make ol’ Daisy Duke and Elly Mae Clampett jealous! All of ‘em had plenty of meat on them and you just can’t beat a halter-top and shorts!
BTW, they all had more to talk about than how the carnies smelled too!
What is it my daddy used to say? Oh yeah, now I remember, “Some gals play hard to get, some are. Some is easy and some just play that way.”
Thanks for writing Ms. Expatress
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
today
Just one newsflash today.
(Other than the Wile E Coyotes taking the shortcut across the frozen lake. It is 20 km shorter, but if your car don’t float, it might be better in the end. Now, let’s look at this thing more carefully. 20 km is like 12 miles I reckon. The way Czechs go ripping around at 100km per hour on a bad day, that’s 12 minutes extra, not even taking into account that you can’t be flying across a frozen lake at that speed. So you probably save about 8 minutes tops. Yup, got some more stále dumplings in the goolash!)
Well, I’m in an uproar like a tornado in a trailer park. It seems in DěčJčíN, this town up by the border with Germany they is having a bit of troublwe with vandals. Now, you may not know this, but Vandals is from Germany and they “sacked” Rome in 455 a.d. (I reckon it’s like T.P’ing a house.)
Well, this group have been in the cemetary a wrecking everything. People here don’t get planted so much as burnt and their ashes put in an urn. (The Englanders even play a game to win some.) Well these vandals done tore up the graveyard and was using urns as footballs. Now, the history of the Czechs and the Germans ain’t exactly been a friendly one. But this is crossing the line!
I’m all for all sorts of teaching these critters a lesson. But here you can’t just wait up with a shotgun and blast them back. So, it don’t look like much will be done.
(Other than the Wile E Coyotes taking the shortcut across the frozen lake. It is 20 km shorter, but if your car don’t float, it might be better in the end. Now, let’s look at this thing more carefully. 20 km is like 12 miles I reckon. The way Czechs go ripping around at 100km per hour on a bad day, that’s 12 minutes extra, not even taking into account that you can’t be flying across a frozen lake at that speed. So you probably save about 8 minutes tops. Yup, got some more stále dumplings in the goolash!)
Well, I’m in an uproar like a tornado in a trailer park. It seems in DěčJčíN, this town up by the border with Germany they is having a bit of troublwe with vandals. Now, you may not know this, but Vandals is from Germany and they “sacked” Rome in 455 a.d. (I reckon it’s like T.P’ing a house.)
Well, this group have been in the cemetary a wrecking everything. People here don’t get planted so much as burnt and their ashes put in an urn. (The Englanders even play a game to win some.) Well these vandals done tore up the graveyard and was using urns as footballs. Now, the history of the Czechs and the Germans ain’t exactly been a friendly one. But this is crossing the line!
I’m all for all sorts of teaching these critters a lesson. But here you can’t just wait up with a shotgun and blast them back. So, it don’t look like much will be done.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
election
This is the news for Feb. 8, 2008.
Let’s see. A special report about the 2008 election vote on the vote or not, to follow, first the headlines:
(dang, that sounded downright professinal)
TV NOVA
Inflation is 7.5%. Now this is one of them there misleading things. You know, like putting a dead fish on your tracks so the dogs don’t follow you if you’re in that there situation. It’s much worse than that! Now I ain’t no econominist, prefer Baptist myself, but the price of elctricity is up 25%, water 25%, heat 10%, food 8%, beer 5% (psst, beer is a touchy subject here. You better be darned careful messing with that price!) Well, there’s even more, but if you add up just what I said; 25+25+10+8+5, it just don’t work out to 7.5. Sorry, I’m a religious man, but even I ain’t got enough faith in econoministerism to make that work out to 7.5.
Ag Ha! I done forgot to add in the cost of living decrease. Yeah, I’m getting minus pay so I’ll pay less taxes and have more money so that the taxes I pay on the DPH (dollars per hour, but since dollars are kind of like toilet paper it might be EPH) will be part of the factor of the demonanator that says how much I make. So even though I’m making less and prices are up, it works out to 7.5% inflation. It’s a bit confussing and I still ain’t clear and then I guess the tax I pay on the tax of my social stuff and health insurance must surely even it out. Even though, I do get a discount that’s taxed to offset the tax that I pay on my taxes I’m still not sure inflation is only 7.5%.
South Moravia
Seems a new treat is mouse bread. Best served with mould. Europians are strange folk, but each to his own. They like mouldy cheese and i tried it and I live to tell about it and it weren’t half bad washed down with a box or two of wine.
Usual carnage from the car wars saga. Remeber that that post about the machines????? I ain’t saying nothing but wait just a second:
Video tape and lies!
Yes, people caught on tape committing crimes have been found innocent! Yes, it seems the machines are waking up. Heck, i get shivers turning my computer on these days!
Election special……………………………………
I type it live……………………………………. (ticker noise clack clack clack)
You read it when i get to an internet connection……………………………….
Today the folks voted on a vote to vote wether or not to vote on voting about a vote on the vote of voting for President. Then it got late and they voted on a vote to vote about it being late and if they should vote tommorow. Then they decided to vote tomorrow after 10:00 if everyone voted on the vote.
Next day and the 10:00 vote is held up because one of the voters seems to be missing. It’s possible he was tired after all that voting and has voting carpal tunellovat syndrome and may need to go to a spa for a year or two and make the voting drag out a bit longer than people wanted.
Let’s see. A special report about the 2008 election vote on the vote or not, to follow, first the headlines:
(dang, that sounded downright professinal)
TV NOVA
Inflation is 7.5%. Now this is one of them there misleading things. You know, like putting a dead fish on your tracks so the dogs don’t follow you if you’re in that there situation. It’s much worse than that! Now I ain’t no econominist, prefer Baptist myself, but the price of elctricity is up 25%, water 25%, heat 10%, food 8%, beer 5% (psst, beer is a touchy subject here. You better be darned careful messing with that price!) Well, there’s even more, but if you add up just what I said; 25+25+10+8+5, it just don’t work out to 7.5. Sorry, I’m a religious man, but even I ain’t got enough faith in econoministerism to make that work out to 7.5.
Ag Ha! I done forgot to add in the cost of living decrease. Yeah, I’m getting minus pay so I’ll pay less taxes and have more money so that the taxes I pay on the DPH (dollars per hour, but since dollars are kind of like toilet paper it might be EPH) will be part of the factor of the demonanator that says how much I make. So even though I’m making less and prices are up, it works out to 7.5% inflation. It’s a bit confussing and I still ain’t clear and then I guess the tax I pay on the tax of my social stuff and health insurance must surely even it out. Even though, I do get a discount that’s taxed to offset the tax that I pay on my taxes I’m still not sure inflation is only 7.5%.
South Moravia
Seems a new treat is mouse bread. Best served with mould. Europians are strange folk, but each to his own. They like mouldy cheese and i tried it and I live to tell about it and it weren’t half bad washed down with a box or two of wine.
Usual carnage from the car wars saga. Remeber that that post about the machines????? I ain’t saying nothing but wait just a second:
Video tape and lies!
Yes, people caught on tape committing crimes have been found innocent! Yes, it seems the machines are waking up. Heck, i get shivers turning my computer on these days!
Election special……………………………………
I type it live……………………………………. (ticker noise clack clack clack)
You read it when i get to an internet connection……………………………….
Today the folks voted on a vote to vote wether or not to vote on voting about a vote on the vote of voting for President. Then it got late and they voted on a vote to vote about it being late and if they should vote tommorow. Then they decided to vote tomorrow after 10:00 if everyone voted on the vote.
Next day and the 10:00 vote is held up because one of the voters seems to be missing. It’s possible he was tired after all that voting and has voting carpal tunellovat syndrome and may need to go to a spa for a year or two and make the voting drag out a bit longer than people wanted.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
news
News, Feb. 6
Nothing really unless you think killing cats is fun.
Oh HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beer is now cheaper and better in Germany. The trains to Berlin are packed and the English schools in Prague are even more desporate! Dangerous times indeed!
Nothing really unless you think killing cats is fun.
Oh HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beer is now cheaper and better in Germany. The trains to Berlin are packed and the English schools in Prague are even more desporate! Dangerous times indeed!
letter home
Dear Sluggo and the boys at shop,
You might not believe me this time, but I done uncovered American slaves! Yes siree. They passed this new law about schlinkys and how they can travel. But for some reason it means Americans can’t go nowhere without a Visa ™ © card!
If you ain’t got a Visa ™ © don’t bother coming cause it can mean a heap of trouble! Well, to cut to the chase of the matter. I was out hunting for mushrooms cause it’s been real warm this year. Our President says it’s cold like every year and from his window he sees snow all over the place and everything is like normal. He says things ain’t getting warmer ain’t never been no damage to nature from no factory or he’d have known and he don’t know nothing so it ain’t happened. Well, I been fishing here in the river and let me tell you, well a fish ain’t supposed to like this! (artist impersination)
You might not believe me this time, but I done uncovered American slaves! Yes siree. They passed this new law about schlinkys and how they can travel. But for some reason it means Americans can’t go nowhere without a Visa ™ © card!
If you ain’t got a Visa ™ © don’t bother coming cause it can mean a heap of trouble! Well, to cut to the chase of the matter. I was out hunting for mushrooms cause it’s been real warm this year. Our President says it’s cold like every year and from his window he sees snow all over the place and everything is like normal. He says things ain’t getting warmer ain’t never been no damage to nature from no factory or he’d have known and he don’t know nothing so it ain’t happened. Well, I been fishing here in the river and let me tell you, well a fish ain’t supposed to like this! (artist impersination)
see above
Didn’t have no camera so I had to sketch it out there. Oh yeah, so i was hunting some mushrooms and I seen this crazy looking feller hiding under a bush. He couldn’t speak no Czech except for kind of wimpering, “I no Rose a mean” You know, I don’t care about plants one way or the other unless it’s Kudzu so i figured i done cornered a vegan. They’s people who protect vegetables and never hurt no plants. I was thinking, “Darnit! A mushroom is a plant and this cityslicker is out here to stop me from hunting!” But his English was a bit awkward. It should have been, “I ain’t a rose meaner.” You learn these things when you been teaching as long as I have.
But then the feller just starts crying and wailing away. Heck, I hadn’t even stepped on a toadstool, let alone killed a mushroom. But then I see that he was a little upset about something. He asked me if I spoke English and I said enough to get by. Then he tells his tale.
To make it short and bypass the wallering and blubbering. Seems Czech traders is putting adverts in school newspapers back home about teaching here. Then they get the young’uns to spend a bunch of money on a teaching license, and then give them a job. After that they hold their money and tell them it’s for taxes and to pay off their Visa ™ © Card. Then they tell them they is illegal immigrants and they will go to prison and work in the buchty quarry if they don’t cooperate. So these folk have to teach English for ten years to leave and go home. Except they don’t go home! They get shanghied and sent to China!
Hard to believe it, but that’s the way it is over here if you ain’t careful. Be sure to pass it on about what’s going on here!
Friday, February 1, 2008
News round up
The news from the 31st of Jan, 2008
The Prima Report
Not the Freshest Rohlik in the Bin
Sometimes people just deserve to be in the bighouse. Most of them are onery cusses who’d as soon kill you for a shot of Fernet than tell you it’s five minutes until a quarter to two, but some of them fellers is plain old dumber than a box of nightcrawlers.
Well, anyways, last night these jailbirds was on the news all bigheaded about how they could get “cell” phones (get it! That’s a knee slapper) when they wanted and that there was more drugs than outside. They even let the cameraman také pictures of them with the stuff.
Well, you’ll never guess what happened today. Yup, the police weren’t too happy and in they went and searched it all over.
What was that Stephen King Story?
This poor old guy fell in a cardboard cutting machine. They ain’t sure how it happened. The thing that’s spooky is only a little while back another guy fell in a plastic shredder. Makes you wonder, don’t it?
CTV 1
Step Up to the Plate Somebody!
This burns my butt like a Halaburno hotdog! In Ceska Lipa something happened to a German Shepard and he was in a lot of pain and near death. So, everybody phones a vet, but all the vets got full waitting rooms and can’t make it. There this dog is in agony and all the folks is just standing around thinking how bad it is. They are all in an uproar that the vet can’t just skeedaddle on over. In the mean time the poor dog is in agony. Them folks was just going on about how those terrible vets wouldn’t do nothing. I guess nobody thought that it might be better to také the matter into their own hands and shoot the poor critter, or wring its neck, or maybe smack it in the head with a hammer. Well, maybe if it had been a Czech Shepard they’d have done it. Can’t really blame them for not liking Germans.
NOVA
Ceska Lipa again!
Seems there a wave of car theft there. The police haven’t caught nobody yet though.
Merciful heavens!
Seems in these parts you get into trouble with money and they up and sic the execuce on you! I ain’t pulling your leg. And after you get execuce’ed, they také everything you had left! This is true and I ain’t never borrowing nothing again!
The Prima Report
Not the Freshest Rohlik in the Bin
Sometimes people just deserve to be in the bighouse. Most of them are onery cusses who’d as soon kill you for a shot of Fernet than tell you it’s five minutes until a quarter to two, but some of them fellers is plain old dumber than a box of nightcrawlers.
Well, anyways, last night these jailbirds was on the news all bigheaded about how they could get “cell” phones (get it! That’s a knee slapper) when they wanted and that there was more drugs than outside. They even let the cameraman také pictures of them with the stuff.
Well, you’ll never guess what happened today. Yup, the police weren’t too happy and in they went and searched it all over.
What was that Stephen King Story?
This poor old guy fell in a cardboard cutting machine. They ain’t sure how it happened. The thing that’s spooky is only a little while back another guy fell in a plastic shredder. Makes you wonder, don’t it?
CTV 1
Step Up to the Plate Somebody!
This burns my butt like a Halaburno hotdog! In Ceska Lipa something happened to a German Shepard and he was in a lot of pain and near death. So, everybody phones a vet, but all the vets got full waitting rooms and can’t make it. There this dog is in agony and all the folks is just standing around thinking how bad it is. They are all in an uproar that the vet can’t just skeedaddle on over. In the mean time the poor dog is in agony. Them folks was just going on about how those terrible vets wouldn’t do nothing. I guess nobody thought that it might be better to také the matter into their own hands and shoot the poor critter, or wring its neck, or maybe smack it in the head with a hammer. Well, maybe if it had been a Czech Shepard they’d have done it. Can’t really blame them for not liking Germans.
NOVA
Ceska Lipa again!
Seems there a wave of car theft there. The police haven’t caught nobody yet though.
Merciful heavens!
Seems in these parts you get into trouble with money and they up and sic the execuce on you! I ain’t pulling your leg. And after you get execuce’ed, they také everything you had left! This is true and I ain’t never borrowing nothing again!
expats
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Expats#
I ran across this and well, I don't know what to think about it!
I ran across this and well, I don't know what to think about it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
