a letter I got

Well, I got this note in the e-mail.

Dear Del,
I see from your picture you’re a slob. You need to lose some weight and shave and I bet you’re missing some teeth. You’re probably a tobacco addict and i bet you stink like some kind carnivore!
Signed,
Expatress who left to get away from people like you!

PS: Dále Earnhardt is dead !
NASCAR sucks!
Go back to the hills and marry your sister!

Well, miss expatress, sorry Pat couldn’t stand you none. I think I can see why though. You do get tiring mighty fast. Only took me one sentence. I don’t need to lose no weight. I eat fine and healthy. Biscuits and gravy and meat and vegetables. Grow much as I can myself. Yes, I might be a bit of a slob. I could clean around the house more, but what the hey, ain’t nobody around to tell me no different.

Why should I shave? Heck, I can sleep a good ten miutes longer everyday and I am “green” (that means I ain’t clogging up my chimney burning all those disposable plastic things) !

I don’t know how many carnies you known, but I do také a shower pretty often.

OH yeah, tobacco. Yes, I do enjoy a big ol’ plug of some chaw now and again. But, it ain’t no regular thing. I mean I think it’s OK, But, I know what you mean about them addicts. My cousin, Eliot Mayfield, he has a chaw before his feet hit the ground in the morning!

My teeth? I ain’t no horse for you to be inspecting, but I do have a chip missing from one of them. I went and said something I shouldn’t have to someone I shouldn’t have said it to. Well, that’s water under the bridge.

NASCAR sucks? It is with great saddness I am not watching the Daytona 500 tonight. But it is interesting that the Formula one world champion couldn’t even qualify. Speaks volumes really.

My sister? Well, marry her? That just ain’t right.

Shoot fire, these days I ain’t disposed to marry any ladies. They is all too skinny. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. I want one who looks like she knows how to cook and enjoy tearing into some bar be qued ribs with corn bread and green beans and some peach cobbler with strawberry ice-cream to round it off.

But from your attitude I reckon you think I ain’t too much worth it. I’ll have you know back in the day I had honies that’s make ol’ Daisy Duke and Elly Mae Clampett jealous! All of ‘em had plenty of meat on them and you just can’t beat a halter-top and shorts!
BTW, they all had more to talk about than how the carnies smelled too!
What is it my daddy used to say? Oh yeah, now I remember, “Some gals play hard to get, some are. Some is easy and some just play that way.”

Thanks for writing Ms. Expatress