delbert vs kalgonites

will make alot more sense if you've read this first:
http://www.expats.cz/prague/p-611495.html#post611495

Howdy Elmer!
What's new in Possum Pouch? Last I heard Skeet's goat had twins. Times over here just get weirder and weirder, let me tell you! I ventured into the big city again. You know every time I go there something happens. I try not to go, but these darned beerocrats always making you get something stamped and then the stamp stamped, and that super legalized, and then translated into English and back into Czechinese. It ain't believable, hardly. So I guess I better cut to the chase. I know you all is dieing to know what Delbert done done this time.
So, I was tuckered out and wanted to sit down and have a cold one and I headed up towards the Czech White House on top the hill. But I soon found a place that had Chili! Yup, claimed so anyway. Place called the Zlooty Ruse. Feller who's the fry cook is nice enough. It ain't real crowded and you can kick back and také it easy. I even got him to play some Lynard Skynard, that and a cold one, this Czech stuff called Budweiser, but believe me it ain't the same. It was that or Goat beer. I don't even want to know how they make that! Gives me the heeby Jeebies just think about it! Well I had my Chili and I'll be damned if it weren't right tolerable. Actually had some soul to it.
There was some folks in there gabbing away about the dad blamed metrosexuals. Now I'm a reasonable man, but there's a time and a place for everything and I agreed with them. It ought to be against the law! People don't need to be having sex on them things, keep your britches on til you get home I always say.
Well, I left there and started down the hill to the Metro resolved to stick a boot up the butt of the first people humping in my compartment. But the durnedest thing happened. I sat near some Americans. They must have been from up North. You know how them Yankee gals do tend to holler every time they open their mouths. You can hear them from three acres away. They was a talking about their leader. I guess they reckoned nobody else in the world but them speaks English so they can yap away about anything, no matter how appropiate. They is worse than those people with moby phones.
Anyway, they was rattling on about how they was Kalgonites and thay was planning to také over the world! I kid you not! I wadn't gonna sit still for that, so I follered them around. They said something about a saptoe and their leader, Capitain Kal. It was one of them nutty cults, like the moonies, I figured. I wanted to know more. So I adopted my double naught spy* approach and stuck to them like a dried booger.
After awhile they got out and went into an abandoned Stalin statue. I couldn't get in, but I put my ear to the base and could hear just fine. They were clever this bunch, they had somebody puke all over the place to keep anybody from listening too close, but our nations security comes first and I did my duty for the good ole US of A.
Well, it seems this devious bunch was worshipping this alien feller named Kal Korb. "Korb," I says to myself, "If that ain't sinister, I'm a shoe sniffing dirty panty licking butthead!" They asked each other some code words that I ain't devulging here. I done went to the USA embassy and reported all I know and I don't want this information to fall into the wrong hand! Well, to put it short and sweet it seems their plan is to bring the world to its Knees by destroying the English language! Yes siree the first attack is to change nouns into verbs! If that ain't underhanded enough, they plan to reduce idioms to gibberish and then destroy diction. They are working hand in hand with another sleeper cell called the oxford commission.
Dad gummit! I am an English teacher and it rips my heart to shreds to see this happening. I can't sleep at night knowing this is going on. Those Kalgonites are pure evil. They is giving us all a bad name. Well, I'm making a stand. It ain't all coming down on my watch. I intend to do all I can to stop this diabolical plot from fruiting and bringing the world to it's knees! Wait a minute, I got to say this, there's pounding at my door! Shit, they're on to me! Listen this is very important! I think the metrosexuals are in on it too! The name of the paper Kal uses to send his subliminal message There went the door. The name is weguio?Igrijhghrghurguihghhrgioiortuy8tu54uyq88rghdsjvhoiruiou4ut5909ti90i4otrjiohfuiH[DW[FU8U34UTOIJ4IO3TOAUDUFG0NFDGHJJjkhrwehgioarjeiogjikfjhio'jatiojhiojaiothijaitjyakljoirjotgug8u95j4ynjnvuhawyfhgbrei90ugqijhhOIAfieuiotkndfh{DFjgkJHOIgoiarejhyoiaoighioaoiuhatjhiotbRiohjdnvjnoedhfgiohwoith jhvfgrwuh