election

This is the news for Feb. 8, 2008.

Let’s see. A special report about the 2008 election vote on the vote or not, to follow, first the headlines:
(dang, that sounded downright professinal)
TV NOVA

Inflation is 7.5%. Now this is one of them there misleading things. You know, like putting a dead fish on your tracks so the dogs don’t follow you if you’re in that there situation. It’s much worse than that! Now I ain’t no econominist, prefer Baptist myself, but the price of elctricity is up 25%, water 25%, heat 10%, food 8%, beer 5% (psst, beer is a touchy subject here. You better be darned careful messing with that price!) Well, there’s even more, but if you add up just what I said; 25+25+10+8+5, it just don’t work out to 7.5. Sorry, I’m a religious man, but even I ain’t got enough faith in econoministerism to make that work out to 7.5.

Ag Ha! I done forgot to add in the cost of living decrease. Yeah, I’m getting minus pay so I’ll pay less taxes and have more money so that the taxes I pay on the DPH (dollars per hour, but since dollars are kind of like toilet paper it might be EPH) will be part of the factor of the demonanator that says how much I make. So even though I’m making less and prices are up, it works out to 7.5% inflation. It’s a bit confussing and I still ain’t clear and then I guess the tax I pay on the tax of my social stuff and health insurance must surely even it out. Even though, I do get a discount that’s taxed to offset the tax that I pay on my taxes I’m still not sure inflation is only 7.5%.


South Moravia

Seems a new treat is mouse bread. Best served with mould. Europians are strange folk, but each to his own. They like mouldy cheese and i tried it and I live to tell about it and it weren’t half bad washed down with a box or two of wine.

Usual carnage from the car wars saga. Remeber that that post about the machines????? I ain’t saying nothing but wait just a second:

Video tape and lies!
Yes, people caught on tape committing crimes have been found innocent! Yes, it seems the machines are waking up. Heck, i get shivers turning my computer on these days!


Election special……………………………………
I type it live……………………………………. (ticker noise clack clack clack)
You read it when i get to an internet connection……………………………….

Today the folks voted on a vote to vote wether or not to vote on voting about a vote on the vote of voting for President. Then it got late and they voted on a vote to vote about it being late and if they should vote tommorow. Then they decided to vote tomorrow after 10:00 if everyone voted on the vote.


Next day and the 10:00 vote is held up because one of the voters seems to be missing. It’s possible he was tired after all that voting and has voting carpal tunellovat syndrome and may need to go to a spa for a year or two and make the voting drag out a bit longer than people wanted.

news

News, Feb. 6

Nothing really unless you think killing cats is fun.

Oh HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beer is now cheaper and better in Germany. The trains to Berlin are packed and the English schools in Prague are even more desporate! Dangerous times indeed!

letter home

Dear Sluggo and the boys at shop,

You might not believe me this time, but I done uncovered American slaves! Yes siree. They passed this new law about schlinkys and how they can travel. But for some reason it means Americans can’t go nowhere without a Visa ™ © card!

If you ain’t got a Visa ™ © don’t bother coming cause it can mean a heap of trouble! Well, to cut to the chase of the matter. I was out hunting for mushrooms cause it’s been real warm this year. Our President says it’s cold like every year and from his window he sees snow all over the place and everything is like normal. He says things ain’t getting warmer ain’t never been no damage to nature from no factory or he’d have known and he don’t know nothing so it ain’t happened. Well, I been fishing here in the river and let me tell you, well a fish ain’t supposed to like this! (artist impersination)

see above

Didn’t have no camera so I had to sketch it out there. Oh yeah, so i was hunting some mushrooms and I seen this crazy looking feller hiding under a bush. He couldn’t speak no Czech except for kind of wimpering, “I no Rose a mean” You know, I don’t care about plants one way or the other unless it’s Kudzu so i figured i done cornered a vegan. They’s people who protect vegetables and never hurt no plants. I was thinking, “Darnit! A mushroom is a plant and this cityslicker is out here to stop me from hunting!” But his English was a bit awkward. It should have been, “I ain’t a rose meaner.” You learn these things when you been teaching as long as I have.

But then the feller just starts crying and wailing away. Heck, I hadn’t even stepped on a toadstool, let alone killed a mushroom. But then I see that he was a little upset about something. He asked me if I spoke English and I said enough to get by. Then he tells his tale.

To make it short and bypass the wallering and blubbering. Seems Czech traders is putting adverts in school newspapers back home about teaching here. Then they get the young’uns to spend a bunch of money on a teaching license, and then give them a job. After that they hold their money and tell them it’s for taxes and to pay off their Visa ™ © Card. Then they tell them they is illegal immigrants and they will go to prison and work in the buchty quarry if they don’t cooperate. So these folk have to teach English for ten years to leave and go home. Except they don’t go home! They get shanghied and sent to China!

Hard to believe it, but that’s the way it is over here if you ain’t careful. Be sure to pass it on about what’s going on here!

News round up

The news from the 31st of Jan, 2008

The Prima Report


Not the Freshest Rohlik in the Bin


Sometimes people just deserve to be in the bighouse. Most of them are onery cusses who’d as soon kill you for a shot of Fernet than tell you it’s five minutes until a quarter to two, but some of them fellers is plain old dumber than a box of nightcrawlers.
Well, anyways, last night these jailbirds was on the news all bigheaded about how they could get “cell” phones (get it! That’s a knee slapper) when they wanted and that there was more drugs than outside. They even let the cameraman také pictures of them with the stuff.

Well, you’ll never guess what happened today. Yup, the police weren’t too happy and in they went and searched it all over.

What was that Stephen King Story?
This poor old guy fell in a cardboard cutting machine. They ain’t sure how it happened. The thing that’s spooky is only a little while back another guy fell in a plastic shredder. Makes you wonder, don’t it?

CTV 1

Step Up to the Plate Somebody!

This burns my butt like a Halaburno hotdog! In Ceska Lipa something happened to a German Shepard and he was in a lot of pain and near death. So, everybody phones a vet, but all the vets got full waitting rooms and can’t make it. There this dog is in agony and all the folks is just standing around thinking how bad it is. They are all in an uproar that the vet can’t just skeedaddle on over. In the mean time the poor dog is in agony. Them folks was just going on about how those terrible vets wouldn’t do nothing. I guess nobody thought that it might be better to také the matter into their own hands and shoot the poor critter, or wring its neck, or maybe smack it in the head with a hammer. Well, maybe if it had been a Czech Shepard they’d have done it. Can’t really blame them for not liking Germans.

NOVA
Ceska Lipa again!

Seems there a wave of car theft there. The police haven’t caught nobody yet though.

Merciful heavens!
Seems in these parts you get into trouble with money and they up and sic the execuce on you! I ain’t pulling your leg. And after you get execuce’ed, they také everything you had left! This is true and I ain’t never borrowing nothing again!

expats

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Expats#

I ran across this and well, I don't know what to think about it!

news update

The news today, or yesterday evening.

The news weren’t so interesting. But there was a couple of stories stood out.

From Nova was the one about Trava babi. This old granny from up around Bruntal got introuble for growing that wacky weed. They caught her with about 5 pounds. She looked about 70 something. She said she was only growing because she has the “excema” and she rubs it on them to make them feel better. Now, that ain’t shocking because I heard this one before. Out there in Mozekojedy a couple of the old timers swear by it! I guess happy feet ain’t all looking like a snake in mid-shed.
From YeeHa lava:
A bunch of teenagers done went and got themselves polluted! Now, i happen to know report cards is due tomorrow, so maybe they was just trying to have a last one before the hide tanning starts! Weren’t the brightest idea though.

Seems a little feller named Lukas got some fingers whacked off at the theater. Plopped down in the chair and his fingers weren’t in the right place.

There’s a czech version of Harry potter due out tonight (last night) at midnight.
Now, what are they doing having their own Harry Potter? Honza keramikar?
This one was from prima.

Now CTV1 is just not keeping up with the other two. However, they did show President Klaus and you know what? I’ll be dipped in donuts if he ain’t the spitting image of Opie Taylor, but old.

American Soldier stabbed to death.

never mind

Czech drivers, open letter!!!!!!!

DoperCHEESE! Ty parcan’ts! (not a par, but I reckon about a million)

Ty Bulb! (very dim 2 watt dusty one at that!)
Well, there may be some polite company around, so my opinions might need to be Dřed down.

Look. I don’t know who in the peklo taught you to drive, but this here ain’t the Talledega 500,000 km race! I don’t care how fast your Skoda 120l gx goes. I do give a darn if you kill one of my students or friends. I do care if you crash into a bus stop and wipe out two dozen baby prams (sometimes I like them Brits. Much easier than carriagesss.)
Your pecker don’t grow by a millimeter for every 10kmp you go quicker than the speed limit! I don’t know who started that there pohadka, but well, let’s just say he don’t want to meet me no more than that old fat guy wanted to go a few rounds with Krkanoš! It’s what they call an urban myth on the internet! It ain’t true! (nor does it have those pivornice guys like that Urban guy draws in tlinky blinky.)

Just slow down. Look out your window and relax. Life ain’t a race to the graveyard, and you might be dissappointted by the prize. Nobody is impressed that you can drive through a village at 80kph.
If you want to be impressed, I know at least 10,000 lidi who want to impress your face with a big ol’ piece of wood. Please leave your name and address if you want us to show you.

co je novehole

The News Round Up

Nova
Another grave robbing:
Old women near Usti want to either:
Kill
Cut the hands off of
The grave robbers. They done went and dug up the bodies and stole 8 crowns off of dead folks. History ain’t my strong suit, but how many kings did they have in Usti? And why was Usti in every other story tonight?

Another Usti story: (usti means throat or neck, I ain’t exactly sure.)
Seems somebody was travelling to germany to buy a car. (Like you can’t buy a car here! Unless the Mark has fallen as fast as the Dollar.) and they left 1,000,000 kačers on the train! It seemed to me they said she fell off the train and threw her money under her seat to save herself. Then the train went on without her even though they weren’t near Germany yet.
It may be a hunch, but this looks like a job for Major Zeeman. He’s the czech Sherlock. He solved at least 30 cases and then became Prime Minister and retired.
Mr. Zeeman, the country needs you! We got this case and there’s still a half a BILLION, korunies missing.

Now in Vysočina, (high China)
Seems something is attacking sheep and eatting their heads. Some kind of Chulpařchutna monster like in the jungle.

Time to buy the new Dalnice (long way)stamp!
Just hope it ain’t one of them fake ones that I heard was about a thousand of.

OOP, time for

PRIMA news
(sorry, weren’t nothing but commercials about game shows that been done and bought the T-shirt. Who want’s to be a 1/17th millionaire, etc…)
Well, to start with CTV 1 and Prima ran the debate. CTV1 lost. Period. But my oh my, don’t Klaus look like an old Opie Taylor!
So, we are gonna stick with Prima.

They said something about that missing money.

Ok, also on Nova. At Holesovica the taxi drivers are revolting because some of them have exclusive perking rights! They think it ain’t fair some folks can get up there and haul the greenhorns and others have to wait until they get drunk first and can’t find where they came from! Seems to me the airplane folf ought to team up with the taxi drivers and ship them off to Budisov nad Budisov!

SPORT NEWS!!!!!!!

Trabant to race at Indy!
A new race model of the Trabant is to be released. It may have a three on the tree! It’s supposed to be powerful and a real racer and I want one! Just to remind me of my Ford 150 with a three on the tree.

Thought for the day:

Now, if some scruffy looking folks come hauling in a piece of the tracks from the railroad, something might not be perfectly right. Might want to phone the police.

American president election

Well, today is the big debate! We might become the fifty-first state of the USA! They is gonna give the presidncy to an American. But i don't recognize his name. It sounds foreign.
Svejnar. I don't even know what a Svejn is! But whatever it is, it does it.

Asteroid and consolodation

It seems there's a big ol' asteroid heading here. Folks is talking and they say it's in the časpoís consoladation.
I think they mean it's going to hit the magazine (casopis) consolodation. This happens all the time. They got plastic bottle consolodations, tires, paper etc...
Every time they get full, a magic fire starts and burns them down. Well now we know it's been asteroids the whole time! This one is supposed to be a big one too!

Peace bratka!

In the interest of peace between Czechs and us cizi folk, I have come up with a compromise.We, the English speakers (but possibly others), agree to adopt č, š, and ž. It will become part of our language.Thus:The čargers suck!šit a brick!er, uh, hmmm, ah ha! Mz favorite ženre is porn.In exchange for this magnaminous gesture, zou agree to give up ř. Nobodz will miss it. just make it š instead. ps, we'll throw in í for good measure so it will be known as Englíš.

in the news and Czech politics

Howdy you all, been awhile I know. Things just keep me hopping like a wallabee on a waffle iron! (That’s an Australian thing. A wallabee is some kind of big ol yellow jacket. This feller from “Down asunder” told me all about it. Dang, the way he told it you’d need a baseball bat to smack one if it got into the house through the screen door.) I tell you what, they got more nasty critters down there than I care to deal with. I’ll tell you all about it in another letter cause I got more important things to talk about now.

I was intent on discussing politics, but a newsflash just caught my attention. They done captured Bat Boy’s sister! I saw it there on the front page of one of them colorful papers. Her ears ain’t as pointy though. I always knew them people was from this part of the world. I ain’t poking around in no caves in this neck of the woods! I wrote three or four letters to that paper telling them about it, but they never paid me a lick of attention no how. I guess this’ll show them!

At least that’s what I thought until I got to listening to people. It seems this lady who was 33, was passing herself off as a boy who was only 11 up there in Scabbynavalia. But get this, here’s a kicker. Before that, she was a 12 year old girl! Ain’t nobody here knows rightly what to think. Here’s the “lay-down-your-hand-partner-I’m-going-alone-in-spades-both-bars-and-rest-of-the-family” trumps! It seems a bunch of kooks was saying she was the second coming! They got them some kind of wierd church going on there! Makes them there Pentacostals look almost normal. Being a Baptist was good enough for the Peaches family since forever. It’s good enough for me.

Now, like I promised, a little bit on the politics around here. We joined the E.U. (the United Europe, they just intial it backwards, kind of like the date. Here Oct.18 ain’t 10/18, it’s 18.10. They just got to be contrary about dang near everything!) Well, now we’re part of the “Shlongenhammer” agreement. It means you can travel pretty much like back home. You know, if you want to go to Kentucky, you just cross the bridge pick up your beer on Sunday and go back home. It ain’t no big deal. If they ain’t got a good buy on Cheetoes ™ here, just cross the line to Germany and see what they got.

Now we got a strasnge systém here. In fact it’s so peculiar nobody can explain to me how it works. That’s right, nobody! First off there ain’t no King or Queen. There’s some feller a few “Orkeses” (that means county) over that is trying to claim a throne, but he ain’t having much luck. He’s fairly famous over here, kind of show business guy. Anyway, there ain’t no King, but there is a Prime Minister. Now, at first I didn’t understand what that meant. I figured he was the head Preacher in these parts. But no, that ain’t it at all. It seems he’s like the President, even though we got one of them too. Now the President don’t seem to do anything. So, it’s sort of a mutt systém between England and the USA, at least that’s how I got it figured and nobody can’t seem to explain no different.

Now, there ain’t no congress and senate, well there is a senate, but it ain’t like our senate, and I don’t know what it does except hang out at their club. The main thing seems to be the parliment. Now, there ain’t just two parties, we got about 5. And ain’t none of them able to get anything done because the others won’t join with somebody else cause somebody else they don’t like is already there. It just beats all. Heck, for awhile we didn’t have ANY government cause they couldn’t figure out how to get enough people on one side to get the thing started.

Then these guys get a bunch of free stuff. They get free gasoline, lights, and cars and all kinds of stuff. They make a ton of money, and get this. They got a bar in the building and they get drinks at half price what normal folks get at their bar! I tell you what, they might as well be Knigs and Queens cause I reckon the whole darned government is full of them! Let’s say you commit a crime and you get caught and you’re going to jailhouse. You know what you do over here? You get elected and then you get immunity which means they can't do nothing to you! It ain’t like back home where it just means you ain’t got to worry about poison ivy nomore.
On top of that it means you can have a harem! I am not kidding you one bit. It’s in all those colorful papers how all the big shots here have a harem! They even have kids by them and it ain’t no big deal.

Well that’s all for now,
Del!

Merry Christmas

Time for the holidays and once again I will be staying here. I do miss Possum pouch this time of the year. I got me the Beverly Hillbillies CVhristmas episode so that's not too bad. This year I'm gonna whomp up some Chile! Looking forward to getting some letteres wrote because i been too busy to do it recently.
Y'all have a good one too!

R.I.P.

Well, it's a sad day. mr. kneivel has jumped the big canyon.