I reckon you might want some info I ain't provided yet, so just fIre away and I'll do my best.
I figure using that comment doo dad will do the job to post a question.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
How I had to take a test thanks to some darned law
Well. I went and took that there test I had to také to get my citizenship so I wouldn’t be no immigrant no longer. I was real worried because the parliment done went and passed this new law you got to know their “culture, tradition and speak the language.”
Well, I weren’t none too worried abou the first two. I done been here ten years and I reckon I got the first two down pat. Here in Mozekojedy there just ain’t a whole lot other than culture and tradition. I been through the holidays, done the brigrades, and killed a few hogs. So you can guess the first two parts didn’t have me sweating too bad. But that language part is a real doozy! It’s real trying at the best of times and down right impossible the rest.
They’s real proud of it here. They just damn near bust a gut when some poor feller mangles his tongue so bad he has to have it put it traction for a week just cause he tried out a sentence or two! They thing it’s a real hoot when you try to say, “it sure is raining today.” Only it comes out, “really nice hooters today.” Or if you go and say , “I got a tick today,” and they think you said…well, I ain’t even gonna go there.
Now here’s a basic breakdown of how the language works and enough grammar to get you by in a pinch.
Pronouncing words
This should not even be attempted by the beginner. It is possible to inflict serious damage to your jaw muscles and permently destroy your voice box and tangle your tongue around your tonsils so bad it takes a proffesinal to fix it. Just také a deep breath and chug your beer in as few gulps as possible, order another, and another and relax. This is the problem that gets you if you ain't in the know. You got to get prepared for the language. Now you're ready. If you see this critter hovering over a letter, like the following č or š, just add a huh! But in this case, ř, just give up. Ain’t nobody really knows how it’s supposed to sound and I hear the Czechs even have their kids tongues surgically changed at their 5th birthday to approximate it. The best you can do is do ‘sh” like in “shhhhhhh” be quiet like sound.
Now some letters have this thing, á or í , it don’t matter. It just means slow down a bit on this sound.
Basic Grammar
It’s easy to get all scaired about this and there’s good reason too. It’s dad-blamed as complicated as , well, uh. You got me there. I don’t know of nothing as complicated! But in the duty of truth, I will pass on what I learned here and it is enough to get by on.
Verbs: verbs ain’t so bad. In fact they’s the best friend you got. Just také an English word and add, “ovat” to it and it gets the job done.
What folks are: You just ad “ař” to any Czech word to get what someone is.
Er and est. You know taller and tallest. In Czech just add ší at the end and ne at the start.
Plurals: It don‘t matter. Just say the number and the word. They know what you mean.
The 7 thing: Every word has 7 different ways of saying it for some damned reason I ain‘t never figured out. Something to do with if it‘s a boy table or a girl chair and some other such nonsense. I gave up a long time ago. Také an example, good. Good is either“ dobrý, dobra, dobře, dobro, dobru, dob something and somnething else. It ain‘t worth getting in an uproar over it because you‘ll just end up thowing furniture against the wall or jumping out the window.
Pronouns and “to be” : Now make it easy on yourself and keep yourself out of trouble. You just need this: I am/you are Ja sim/ty si and this I have/you have Ja mam/ty maš That‘s it unless you want to go gossipping and that ain‘t nice.
Vole: This is a word that means you like something or someone and you should use it as much as possible.
So back to the story. The big day was yesterday and I caught the train into the county seat, Penezakradl, and went to the cizi police. I think I told you before, but these fellers is only open on odd numbered Mondays or Wednesdays when the temperature has been less than 25 degrees, (about 80) for three days in a row, but over 5 degrees (about 40) for a week solid and the moon is isn‘t full or new.
I wanted to make a good impression. I had a polka cassette in my walkman ™. I had a plate of jiterniece in my basket with pickled fat hotdogs and some cheese soaked in oil. I had a big ol‘ bottle of that slivervice I told you about before.
There I was just a bobbing around in time to the polka music in case somebody was watching just a couple of hours later it was my turn. Things were looking good. So I plucked up my courage and walked into the room. I turned on the ol’ Peaches charm and let loose with a big smile and said in a loud, but friendly down home voice, “TY VOLE!, jak se maš?”
I put the bottle down on the table and opened the bottle and took the shot glasses out form the basket and poured a shot for everyone. I then took out the meat and cheese and i could tell I was making an impression. They was sitting there with their eyes wide open and jaws hanging down to the table. They knew right away I weren’t no ordinairy foreigner. I done my homework. I then said in my best Czech, “Ty Vole! Na Zdravi!” and held out my hand to clink glasses. Well at that point I had them. Ain’t no way you can get out of this one. You have to drink. It’d be like back home if someone offered you a ride to the hospital after you fell on a pitchfork. You just can’t say no!
They didn’t say nothing but they sniffed the stuff and then they drank it down. Now I hate to cut in here, but I do feel it needs to be done. I told you i been here ten years. You know how I took to the farmers and we all got along. I ain’t no stranger to stills and we soon got to swappin recipes. I showed them a bit about corn squeezings and they showed me a lot about plums.
This particular bottle weren’t none too shabby. It had spent a few years in an oak barrel. It was fine hooch in other words. I watched them and they seemed to like it, but I couldn’t be too sure. Then one of them stood up and went and locked the door. Cold chills grabbed hold of me. These weren’t no ordinary examiners like for a post office job back home. These were the “cizi” police. I was filling up the glasses again, because I do know my customs and traditions and you got to have one for each leg and men three.
Before I could “Ty vole” again, the feller went over to the big wall cabnit and I figured I done something really wrong and was in big time trouble. You don’t také “cizi” lightly. Everytime I hear that word it’s whispered behind my back like people is afraid to use it outloud.
Well, I was sure happy when he came back with some plates and and forks and butter knives. I made to make a toast but they went first, “TY vole,” they said. We dug into the vittles and poured down the slivervice. I used my ty si and my ja sem and must have impressed them because I am now a citizen! I must have made a special impression because as I left i heard them add one of them Czech suffixes to my name. The said ,”Peachavina!”
Well, I weren’t none too worried abou the first two. I done been here ten years and I reckon I got the first two down pat. Here in Mozekojedy there just ain’t a whole lot other than culture and tradition. I been through the holidays, done the brigrades, and killed a few hogs. So you can guess the first two parts didn’t have me sweating too bad. But that language part is a real doozy! It’s real trying at the best of times and down right impossible the rest.
They’s real proud of it here. They just damn near bust a gut when some poor feller mangles his tongue so bad he has to have it put it traction for a week just cause he tried out a sentence or two! They thing it’s a real hoot when you try to say, “it sure is raining today.” Only it comes out, “really nice hooters today.” Or if you go and say , “I got a tick today,” and they think you said…well, I ain’t even gonna go there.
Now here’s a basic breakdown of how the language works and enough grammar to get you by in a pinch.
Pronouncing words
This should not even be attempted by the beginner. It is possible to inflict serious damage to your jaw muscles and permently destroy your voice box and tangle your tongue around your tonsils so bad it takes a proffesinal to fix it. Just také a deep breath and chug your beer in as few gulps as possible, order another, and another and relax. This is the problem that gets you if you ain't in the know. You got to get prepared for the language. Now you're ready. If you see this critter hovering over a letter, like the following č or š, just add a huh! But in this case, ř, just give up. Ain’t nobody really knows how it’s supposed to sound and I hear the Czechs even have their kids tongues surgically changed at their 5th birthday to approximate it. The best you can do is do ‘sh” like in “shhhhhhh” be quiet like sound.
Now some letters have this thing, á or í , it don’t matter. It just means slow down a bit on this sound.
Basic Grammar
It’s easy to get all scaired about this and there’s good reason too. It’s dad-blamed as complicated as , well, uh. You got me there. I don’t know of nothing as complicated! But in the duty of truth, I will pass on what I learned here and it is enough to get by on.
Verbs: verbs ain’t so bad. In fact they’s the best friend you got. Just také an English word and add, “ovat” to it and it gets the job done.
What folks are: You just ad “ař” to any Czech word to get what someone is.
Er and est. You know taller and tallest. In Czech just add ší at the end and ne at the start.
Plurals: It don‘t matter. Just say the number and the word. They know what you mean.
The 7 thing: Every word has 7 different ways of saying it for some damned reason I ain‘t never figured out. Something to do with if it‘s a boy table or a girl chair and some other such nonsense. I gave up a long time ago. Také an example, good. Good is either“ dobrý, dobra, dobře, dobro, dobru, dob something and somnething else. It ain‘t worth getting in an uproar over it because you‘ll just end up thowing furniture against the wall or jumping out the window.
Pronouns and “to be” : Now make it easy on yourself and keep yourself out of trouble. You just need this: I am/you are Ja sim/ty si and this I have/you have Ja mam/ty maš That‘s it unless you want to go gossipping and that ain‘t nice.
Vole: This is a word that means you like something or someone and you should use it as much as possible.
So back to the story. The big day was yesterday and I caught the train into the county seat, Penezakradl, and went to the cizi police. I think I told you before, but these fellers is only open on odd numbered Mondays or Wednesdays when the temperature has been less than 25 degrees, (about 80) for three days in a row, but over 5 degrees (about 40) for a week solid and the moon is isn‘t full or new.
I wanted to make a good impression. I had a polka cassette in my walkman ™. I had a plate of jiterniece in my basket with pickled fat hotdogs and some cheese soaked in oil. I had a big ol‘ bottle of that slivervice I told you about before.
There I was just a bobbing around in time to the polka music in case somebody was watching just a couple of hours later it was my turn. Things were looking good. So I plucked up my courage and walked into the room. I turned on the ol’ Peaches charm and let loose with a big smile and said in a loud, but friendly down home voice, “TY VOLE!, jak se maš?”
I put the bottle down on the table and opened the bottle and took the shot glasses out form the basket and poured a shot for everyone. I then took out the meat and cheese and i could tell I was making an impression. They was sitting there with their eyes wide open and jaws hanging down to the table. They knew right away I weren’t no ordinairy foreigner. I done my homework. I then said in my best Czech, “Ty Vole! Na Zdravi!” and held out my hand to clink glasses. Well at that point I had them. Ain’t no way you can get out of this one. You have to drink. It’d be like back home if someone offered you a ride to the hospital after you fell on a pitchfork. You just can’t say no!
They didn’t say nothing but they sniffed the stuff and then they drank it down. Now I hate to cut in here, but I do feel it needs to be done. I told you i been here ten years. You know how I took to the farmers and we all got along. I ain’t no stranger to stills and we soon got to swappin recipes. I showed them a bit about corn squeezings and they showed me a lot about plums.
This particular bottle weren’t none too shabby. It had spent a few years in an oak barrel. It was fine hooch in other words. I watched them and they seemed to like it, but I couldn’t be too sure. Then one of them stood up and went and locked the door. Cold chills grabbed hold of me. These weren’t no ordinary examiners like for a post office job back home. These were the “cizi” police. I was filling up the glasses again, because I do know my customs and traditions and you got to have one for each leg and men three.
Before I could “Ty vole” again, the feller went over to the big wall cabnit and I figured I done something really wrong and was in big time trouble. You don’t také “cizi” lightly. Everytime I hear that word it’s whispered behind my back like people is afraid to use it outloud.
Well, I was sure happy when he came back with some plates and and forks and butter knives. I made to make a toast but they went first, “TY vole,” they said. We dug into the vittles and poured down the slivervice. I used my ty si and my ja sem and must have impressed them because I am now a citizen! I must have made a special impression because as I left i heard them add one of them Czech suffixes to my name. The said ,”Peachavina!”
My short lived Journalism career
Dear Ma,
Well, something new has come up. I got a job as a newsman on the local paper the Prague Dost. Ain’t that something? You be sure to tell Skeet “Scoop” Johnson over at the Possum Pouch Bugler that Delbert done hit the big time. It’s a long story and I’ll try to tell you all about it. I got a deadline to meet, so I can’t go into a lot of detail, but I just can’t get the essence of what i is supposed to be writnig about now. I guess I got that what they call call writer’s blockage.
Well anyways, I was at what they call a “cafe” over here (it ain’t nothing more than a coffe shop, but I guess that ain’t Europion enough) having a cup of Joe when I sees this guy all in a fret over something. He was a looking at some papers and a shakin his head and a moaning and groaning.
I tell you what, it sure is hard to find a decent cup of coffee over here. The Czech stuff is something terrible! Once you gets the hang of it, it ain’t so bad. Howevers the first time can do you in, if you ain’t in the know. But I was recently reminded of the peril the other day when this new guy tried it.
We’d been out all night at the hospodas and such stuff. Now don’t you get to a worrying, you know I wasn’t drinking! But this fellow had been carrying on something awful. He was this guy I met passing through. kind of like a hobo or something. He had his pack and everything and he said he’d just come over. We caught the early train back to Mozekojedy. I told him I’d show him the real countryside as I’d been in Prague to see about getting some chili powder.
This fellow was feeling a might poorly when we got up so we walked down to the potraviny to get on our feet. The potraviny is the same as a general store and all the towns folks gather there to chew the fat and put in the time. So I ordered a cup for him and me. I forgot to tell him, but he went to a stirring and a stirring. You see they cook the coffee cowboy style, that is to say it ain’t run through a filter and sitting around in Silax pots like you’d expect. I must admit a get a chuckle even now thinking about it. He took a big sip and just turned green around the gills! He went to a scraping his toungue! It was as black as a Chow dog! He run outside and came back in feeling better. I reckon that coffee probably helped him more gettiing out what was ailing him than if he’d a digested it.
Sorry to ramble on so, but I’m trying out my journalism skills. This fellow from up Louisville way says this is the new way to go. He calls it a ‘tapazoid lead” and it’s supposed to be the new way to go.
That feller who was a down in the dumps so was feeling right down sad and I could tell. So I went over hoping to console him. I asked him if a train had run over his dog. He looked up and asked me what I was talking about. I told him it wasn’t no use being all blue and sad unless a train had run over his dog or something. He said it weren’t none of my business but the fresh shipment of writers had just been flown in and he was thinking they weren’t no better than the ones that had just flown out.
He was saying it was time for the pub crawl issue and then the mushroom hunting issue was due soon and this group didn’t know a toadstool from a champion. He said he needed someone who knew something about the country and weren’t worried about where to get their favorite brand of toothpaste. I told him to just set up straight and cheer up because I was his man! I told him I’d been here for years and I’d been mushroom hunting many a time and furthermore I’d been to pig skinnings and goat ropings! I told him I knew three different ways to pull a tick and I could whack and gut a carp with my eyes closed. I told him I’d been to Czech Woodstock and met mister Havel himself. I told him I could do the “vices” with my nose plugged up. I could tatse the difference between Hruso, Slivo, Vino, and Franta vice with no problem. (Franta is the local shiner and his special brand is anything from last year’s jams to whatever fruit is laying around.)
He kind of moaned again, (I guess it was relief) and said he sure didn’t have nothing to lose. He said the pub crawl issue was due too soon he’d have to put two and two together but he'd sweat that one out. He told me to get on an article about mushroom hunting and get it to him as soon as possible. I asked him what a pub crawl even was and he said it was where you went around to a different hospoda and had a different beer at each one. I told him I knew of several pubs in Praho cause my friends had taken me there. He asked for some names. I rattled off a fairly long list, but he said they wouldn’t do cause nobody spoke English in them bars. He said just get that mushroom article to him. He said to include some sidebars too.
I left wondering what in tarnation he meant cause I knowed he said he was doing the pub crawl article and all the bars I been to you enter from the front. Just as well, because I’d been to some of those English speaking hangouts and those folks is a bit snooty.
PS. Things didn’t work out so well as you can see:
Well, I wrote long and hard and got it done that week and got back on the train and took it into him. I got to the offices and said I was expected. There were giggles and such from some of the people there. I had my Clark kent hat on, so as to blend in with the newspaper environment. I was surprised by the rest of them though. It didn’t look like nothing I expected.
I heard some giggles and such, but I never pay no attention to that kind of carrying on. I handed that fellow my article. I told him I was sorry if there was some problems with the typing, but all I had was that old Czech thing and the keys weren’t in the right places and it caused me to stumble a bit. He muttered something about a word processor and a disk, but I didn’t follow him entirely. I was right proud of it! I had explained all about what kind of sausages work best on the campfire and how to keeep the beer cool in a spring and all the pertanint details I could think of.
Then I was sure surprised! He just threw it down and said it didn’t say nothing about mushroom hunting and how to tell what you was doing. I said you had to go out with a Czech cause they know what is what and sometimes even a Czech idiot gets poisoned cause he thinks he knows everything. I said it weren’t right to set a bunch of greenhorns loose in the woods. I told him only a damned fool would go out into the woods and pick mushrooms without someone else who knew what he was doing going along. He yelled, “Who the Hell do you think we’re writing for!”
I just slunk on out of there like a hound who knew he done something wrong with my tail between my legs.
Love,
Your son Delbert Peaches
Well, something new has come up. I got a job as a newsman on the local paper the Prague Dost. Ain’t that something? You be sure to tell Skeet “Scoop” Johnson over at the Possum Pouch Bugler that Delbert done hit the big time. It’s a long story and I’ll try to tell you all about it. I got a deadline to meet, so I can’t go into a lot of detail, but I just can’t get the essence of what i is supposed to be writnig about now. I guess I got that what they call call writer’s blockage.
Well anyways, I was at what they call a “cafe” over here (it ain’t nothing more than a coffe shop, but I guess that ain’t Europion enough) having a cup of Joe when I sees this guy all in a fret over something. He was a looking at some papers and a shakin his head and a moaning and groaning.
I tell you what, it sure is hard to find a decent cup of coffee over here. The Czech stuff is something terrible! Once you gets the hang of it, it ain’t so bad. Howevers the first time can do you in, if you ain’t in the know. But I was recently reminded of the peril the other day when this new guy tried it.
We’d been out all night at the hospodas and such stuff. Now don’t you get to a worrying, you know I wasn’t drinking! But this fellow had been carrying on something awful. He was this guy I met passing through. kind of like a hobo or something. He had his pack and everything and he said he’d just come over. We caught the early train back to Mozekojedy. I told him I’d show him the real countryside as I’d been in Prague to see about getting some chili powder.
This fellow was feeling a might poorly when we got up so we walked down to the potraviny to get on our feet. The potraviny is the same as a general store and all the towns folks gather there to chew the fat and put in the time. So I ordered a cup for him and me. I forgot to tell him, but he went to a stirring and a stirring. You see they cook the coffee cowboy style, that is to say it ain’t run through a filter and sitting around in Silax pots like you’d expect. I must admit a get a chuckle even now thinking about it. He took a big sip and just turned green around the gills! He went to a scraping his toungue! It was as black as a Chow dog! He run outside and came back in feeling better. I reckon that coffee probably helped him more gettiing out what was ailing him than if he’d a digested it.
Sorry to ramble on so, but I’m trying out my journalism skills. This fellow from up Louisville way says this is the new way to go. He calls it a ‘tapazoid lead” and it’s supposed to be the new way to go.
That feller who was a down in the dumps so was feeling right down sad and I could tell. So I went over hoping to console him. I asked him if a train had run over his dog. He looked up and asked me what I was talking about. I told him it wasn’t no use being all blue and sad unless a train had run over his dog or something. He said it weren’t none of my business but the fresh shipment of writers had just been flown in and he was thinking they weren’t no better than the ones that had just flown out.
He was saying it was time for the pub crawl issue and then the mushroom hunting issue was due soon and this group didn’t know a toadstool from a champion. He said he needed someone who knew something about the country and weren’t worried about where to get their favorite brand of toothpaste. I told him to just set up straight and cheer up because I was his man! I told him I’d been here for years and I’d been mushroom hunting many a time and furthermore I’d been to pig skinnings and goat ropings! I told him I knew three different ways to pull a tick and I could whack and gut a carp with my eyes closed. I told him I’d been to Czech Woodstock and met mister Havel himself. I told him I could do the “vices” with my nose plugged up. I could tatse the difference between Hruso, Slivo, Vino, and Franta vice with no problem. (Franta is the local shiner and his special brand is anything from last year’s jams to whatever fruit is laying around.)
He kind of moaned again, (I guess it was relief) and said he sure didn’t have nothing to lose. He said the pub crawl issue was due too soon he’d have to put two and two together but he'd sweat that one out. He told me to get on an article about mushroom hunting and get it to him as soon as possible. I asked him what a pub crawl even was and he said it was where you went around to a different hospoda and had a different beer at each one. I told him I knew of several pubs in Praho cause my friends had taken me there. He asked for some names. I rattled off a fairly long list, but he said they wouldn’t do cause nobody spoke English in them bars. He said just get that mushroom article to him. He said to include some sidebars too.
I left wondering what in tarnation he meant cause I knowed he said he was doing the pub crawl article and all the bars I been to you enter from the front. Just as well, because I’d been to some of those English speaking hangouts and those folks is a bit snooty.
PS. Things didn’t work out so well as you can see:
Well, I wrote long and hard and got it done that week and got back on the train and took it into him. I got to the offices and said I was expected. There were giggles and such from some of the people there. I had my Clark kent hat on, so as to blend in with the newspaper environment. I was surprised by the rest of them though. It didn’t look like nothing I expected.
I heard some giggles and such, but I never pay no attention to that kind of carrying on. I handed that fellow my article. I told him I was sorry if there was some problems with the typing, but all I had was that old Czech thing and the keys weren’t in the right places and it caused me to stumble a bit. He muttered something about a word processor and a disk, but I didn’t follow him entirely. I was right proud of it! I had explained all about what kind of sausages work best on the campfire and how to keeep the beer cool in a spring and all the pertanint details I could think of.
Then I was sure surprised! He just threw it down and said it didn’t say nothing about mushroom hunting and how to tell what you was doing. I said you had to go out with a Czech cause they know what is what and sometimes even a Czech idiot gets poisoned cause he thinks he knows everything. I said it weren’t right to set a bunch of greenhorns loose in the woods. I told him only a damned fool would go out into the woods and pick mushrooms without someone else who knew what he was doing going along. He yelled, “Who the Hell do you think we’re writing for!”
I just slunk on out of there like a hound who knew he done something wrong with my tail between my legs.
Love,
Your son Delbert Peaches
I went to woodstock But it ain't what you think
Like Aunt Minnie used to say, "Hooooowdy!" Well it just keeps a coming over here. Now I got my leg in this cast, and as usual there's a story behind it. I guess I might as well start from the start, huh?
Well, the fellers from the Bricho took me to this show, cept it turned out to be a three day concert.It was in this town called "turd n off" ain't sure what it means in English, cept it ain't what you'd be thinking. Ain't nothing turned out like you'd think it would this weekend.
They called this thing "Woodstock" but Jimmy weren't there. At least I was pretty sure that weren't Jimmy. They was holding seances and trying to revive folks. But I reckon this weren't Jimmy cause it never had no accent like that. They tryed to revive more folks also, but I figure the whole thing was a fake, cause ain't none of 'em looked like ghosts too me. It could'a been one of them there talkin in tongues things like over at the Nazerine church in Pokeville.
That weren't the only religion going on. There was some of them there Hairy Krista's there too. Don't rightly know why they call 'em hairy, cause they is all as bald as Kojak. But they weren't the only strange ones, there were somemore hairless folks and they called them selves skins. Then there were these real hairy hippy types running around. There was a real assorted bunch of wierdos. Gotta give 'emm credit, they didn't leave nobody out. Then there was these Punks. They was all wearing shirts saying how they weren't dead. I figure they weren't none too bright cause it was pretty obvious that they wasn't. I mean they was walking around and all. Lessen of course they was zombies; could've been they sure was strange looking critters.
Then there was these metal heads. They call 'em that cause they all got plates in their skulls from banging their heads up and down. I really ain't sure why they does it.
We pitched our tent not more than a few field goals from the main stage. This weren't the best idea, as I'll tell you later. We sat around for a bit and had a few and then we mossied over to the main stage.there were three shows going on at the same time. I already told you about the tent revivial, then there was another tent full of those Kristas. They was a sitting around humming and moaning and groaning. I figure they done been eating too much of that samzeny syr and their works was a clogged up. You know how it can be when you got to drop a load but cain't. Of course after I seen them port a potties, I figured they was probably better off anyway.
Well, we got to the main stage but had to stand way in the back cause there weren't no seats left. There was some real winners back there too. There was this one English speaking gal who kept asking everybody in English to sit down cause she couldn't see! Sometimes these people embarass me. It tweren't bad enough she expected 20 people to sit down on the sidewalk in spilt beer and what all, but she kept on repeating it over and over, in English!
It was about this time I decided I better go walk around cause as obnoxious as that gal was, her boyfriend was even worse. He must have had a sore throat cause his voice was just as grating as it could be and he seemed proud of it, cause he kept shouting "Death" over and over. I reckoned he weren't gonna shut up no time soon, so I skeedaddled before I granted his wish. No wonder we foreigners get bad names with idjits like them on the loose.
About midnight, I was feeling wore out and wanted to get some sleep, but the fellers made it clear that the ruckus was going to be non-stop all weekend. So, I just crawled into my sleeping bag and tried to bury my ears and catch a few winks. Bout the time I finally started to doze off, somebody starts shaking my tent and saying, "Come on Del, time to go see a good band!"I said there weren't no use in walking over there as I could here just fine from my tent.
Well next morning was a real sight in the evening all them freaks coulda got a good job with Col. Charon's travelling freak show, or at least as carnies, but in the morning it was real ugly. They was all hungover and bleary and drinking wine out of boxes to get going again. Then i hears someone shout," There he is, that's him!" Now, when i hear that, I always head the other way cause there's too many times I ain't sure what I ended up doing, and don't really want to know. So i started to hightail it on out of there when I hears some more. ( When you're away from God's tongue for awhile, you'd be surprised how well you can hear it.) One of 'em said," with me and so-so. That's the bloke I'm sure. Hey! Hey! Delbert!"
Turns out it was that P.T. feller from England and he had a crew with him too. There was four of them and they was all totin bottles of vodka. Ol' P.T. walks over, cept he was taking the scenic route, if you know what I mean. He was avoiding the straight line. He introduced me to his mates, as he called them. Guess they'd all been to sea together. He was with this gal called, Whoooooa, a feller named Gizzard who was a fry cook and owned a cafeteria, another fry cook (I guess) named KFC and this one guy they just called a mean sort.
They is all talking about this next act and dragging me over to the main stage. Seems some supposed Lesbians was coming up next. Well I was thinking to myself,"Hotdamn! Now this could be something worth seeing." Well, it was just another dissapointment. Some of these supposed Lesbians was even guys! Oh well, there weren't hardly a normal band all weekend anyway. Just a bunch of hootin' an a hollerin' and people running around with their arms strecthed out like they was airplanes and all sorts of durned foolishness. I always like my bands to have guitars and drums. The best bands was the revivialists over at the revivial tent. Well ol' P.T. was dissapointed too. He kept saying, "I don't see no Lesbians. Where's the lesbians?" So we all left.
We was walking along and this feller with his face all painted in black and white starts blocking our way. He couldn't talk, but he was trying to tell us something with his hands. Ol' Mean Sort just up and decks him! Easy to see how he got his name. Mean muttered something about bloody mimes. This guy sure was bloody, kinda added some color to him too.
Remeber how on those old National Geographies they used to show them boys jumping out of that big ol' treehouse with grapevines tied around their ankles? They do something like that here too, 'cept they call it bungee jumping. You might have seen it on TV before.
Well we watched for awhile, and those Englanders kept right at those bottles. They offered me some, but I just reached in my overalls and pulled out a bottle of Plum squeezin's and we all had a few snorts of that.
I got to talking to that Gizzard feller and it turns out he knows how to make Chili and Bar b q. I promised to bring along some of mine next time I was in prague and we'd have a regular to-do and even play some poker. Well, while we was flapping our jaws, P.T., KFC, Mean Sort and Whoooooa had done went and got in line to jump and Whooooooa was first to go.
Looking back on it all, I got to think the good lord was looking out for me and Gizzard. PT and Mean were next in line so they was real close to that big ol' crane they was all jumping from. Now, i don't don't reckon i've ever seen anything so funny in my life, and Gizzard said he's certain he ain't. I reckon my side hurt for days afterwards.
When she got to the top, she sort of staggered out and jumped. I thought she tripped and fell, but that ain't the point. She started off with a great big ol' "Whhhhoooo, but it trailed off into a real quick gurgle. Then the sky filled with vodka, slivo, and breakfast. Mighta been gulash. I weren't close enough to tell and Mean and PT weren't in no mood to discuss it, even though me and Gizzard tried to get 'em to tell us; but we was in a sorry shape and couldn't hardly get a word out between laughs. Hell, Gizzard even squirted vodka out of his nose it was so damned funny.
Well, that Newt feller was just plain wrong! Things don't fall at the same speed cause Whoooaa went faster than her breakfast. Kind of went through it , instead of the proper way, it going through her. That caused it to spread out a bit cause she was a flailing her arms around. Then things got worse. She went through it again on the way up!
I felt sorry for the poor gal. It weren't none too lady like and all. I reckon the smell wasn't too pretty niether ( you know how it was when one kid puked on the bus, kind of like a trigger) cause she proceeded to puke some more, and more while she was bouncing up and down and twirling around.She was a just filling the sky with breakfast. I tell you I sure wished i'd a had a video camera. That damned sure would have won some kind of a prize somewheres.
Well, after they got her down, she just stormed off and PT and Mean weren't too far behind her. I don't know what they ended up doing, cause there weren't no showers around. Those fellers running the jump weren't none too pleased. They was a hollering out the choicest czech words I ever did hear.
I dodged that bullet, but I sure caught the next one. There I was just a sitting and watching the show. I finally done found me a good seat when these guys come over trying to get me to scoot over or leave or something. I told them guys If it was all the same to them I'd just stay where I was, cause I was plum tuckered out. Then they tells me it is for the president! Now I've heard some whoppers in my days, but this took the cake! They nailed for a foreigner and was just trying to také my seat. I knew durned good and well weren't no way Clinton would come all the way over here to this Hootenanny and then sit down in the middle of it!
Well, these boys weren't none to small and a couple of 'em had badges, so in the end I just vamoosed. I was just a steaming until I met the boys from mozekojedy, and they explained it weren't for Clinton, it was for the Czech President, Havel! Sure enough, there he sat.
I felt real bad, so I went back over to make amends. I reached into my overalls to get to the Slivo and offer him a drink, since he was so down home and all. Next thing I knew I was being drug away to this tent I ain't seen before. After the doctors was certain my skull weren't broke, they wrapped my foot up in a část from where somebody kicked me. That was the end of my woodstock experience.
Well, the fellers from the Bricho took me to this show, cept it turned out to be a three day concert.It was in this town called "turd n off" ain't sure what it means in English, cept it ain't what you'd be thinking. Ain't nothing turned out like you'd think it would this weekend.
They called this thing "Woodstock" but Jimmy weren't there. At least I was pretty sure that weren't Jimmy. They was holding seances and trying to revive folks. But I reckon this weren't Jimmy cause it never had no accent like that. They tryed to revive more folks also, but I figure the whole thing was a fake, cause ain't none of 'em looked like ghosts too me. It could'a been one of them there talkin in tongues things like over at the Nazerine church in Pokeville.
That weren't the only religion going on. There was some of them there Hairy Krista's there too. Don't rightly know why they call 'em hairy, cause they is all as bald as Kojak. But they weren't the only strange ones, there were somemore hairless folks and they called them selves skins. Then there were these real hairy hippy types running around. There was a real assorted bunch of wierdos. Gotta give 'emm credit, they didn't leave nobody out. Then there was these Punks. They was all wearing shirts saying how they weren't dead. I figure they weren't none too bright cause it was pretty obvious that they wasn't. I mean they was walking around and all. Lessen of course they was zombies; could've been they sure was strange looking critters.
Then there was these metal heads. They call 'em that cause they all got plates in their skulls from banging their heads up and down. I really ain't sure why they does it.
We pitched our tent not more than a few field goals from the main stage. This weren't the best idea, as I'll tell you later. We sat around for a bit and had a few and then we mossied over to the main stage.there were three shows going on at the same time. I already told you about the tent revivial, then there was another tent full of those Kristas. They was a sitting around humming and moaning and groaning. I figure they done been eating too much of that samzeny syr and their works was a clogged up. You know how it can be when you got to drop a load but cain't. Of course after I seen them port a potties, I figured they was probably better off anyway.
Well, we got to the main stage but had to stand way in the back cause there weren't no seats left. There was some real winners back there too. There was this one English speaking gal who kept asking everybody in English to sit down cause she couldn't see! Sometimes these people embarass me. It tweren't bad enough she expected 20 people to sit down on the sidewalk in spilt beer and what all, but she kept on repeating it over and over, in English!
It was about this time I decided I better go walk around cause as obnoxious as that gal was, her boyfriend was even worse. He must have had a sore throat cause his voice was just as grating as it could be and he seemed proud of it, cause he kept shouting "Death" over and over. I reckoned he weren't gonna shut up no time soon, so I skeedaddled before I granted his wish. No wonder we foreigners get bad names with idjits like them on the loose.
About midnight, I was feeling wore out and wanted to get some sleep, but the fellers made it clear that the ruckus was going to be non-stop all weekend. So, I just crawled into my sleeping bag and tried to bury my ears and catch a few winks. Bout the time I finally started to doze off, somebody starts shaking my tent and saying, "Come on Del, time to go see a good band!"I said there weren't no use in walking over there as I could here just fine from my tent.
Well next morning was a real sight in the evening all them freaks coulda got a good job with Col. Charon's travelling freak show, or at least as carnies, but in the morning it was real ugly. They was all hungover and bleary and drinking wine out of boxes to get going again. Then i hears someone shout," There he is, that's him!" Now, when i hear that, I always head the other way cause there's too many times I ain't sure what I ended up doing, and don't really want to know. So i started to hightail it on out of there when I hears some more. ( When you're away from God's tongue for awhile, you'd be surprised how well you can hear it.) One of 'em said," with me and so-so. That's the bloke I'm sure. Hey! Hey! Delbert!"
Turns out it was that P.T. feller from England and he had a crew with him too. There was four of them and they was all totin bottles of vodka. Ol' P.T. walks over, cept he was taking the scenic route, if you know what I mean. He was avoiding the straight line. He introduced me to his mates, as he called them. Guess they'd all been to sea together. He was with this gal called, Whoooooa, a feller named Gizzard who was a fry cook and owned a cafeteria, another fry cook (I guess) named KFC and this one guy they just called a mean sort.
They is all talking about this next act and dragging me over to the main stage. Seems some supposed Lesbians was coming up next. Well I was thinking to myself,"Hotdamn! Now this could be something worth seeing." Well, it was just another dissapointment. Some of these supposed Lesbians was even guys! Oh well, there weren't hardly a normal band all weekend anyway. Just a bunch of hootin' an a hollerin' and people running around with their arms strecthed out like they was airplanes and all sorts of durned foolishness. I always like my bands to have guitars and drums. The best bands was the revivialists over at the revivial tent. Well ol' P.T. was dissapointed too. He kept saying, "I don't see no Lesbians. Where's the lesbians?" So we all left.
We was walking along and this feller with his face all painted in black and white starts blocking our way. He couldn't talk, but he was trying to tell us something with his hands. Ol' Mean Sort just up and decks him! Easy to see how he got his name. Mean muttered something about bloody mimes. This guy sure was bloody, kinda added some color to him too.
Remeber how on those old National Geographies they used to show them boys jumping out of that big ol' treehouse with grapevines tied around their ankles? They do something like that here too, 'cept they call it bungee jumping. You might have seen it on TV before.
Well we watched for awhile, and those Englanders kept right at those bottles. They offered me some, but I just reached in my overalls and pulled out a bottle of Plum squeezin's and we all had a few snorts of that.
I got to talking to that Gizzard feller and it turns out he knows how to make Chili and Bar b q. I promised to bring along some of mine next time I was in prague and we'd have a regular to-do and even play some poker. Well, while we was flapping our jaws, P.T., KFC, Mean Sort and Whoooooa had done went and got in line to jump and Whooooooa was first to go.
Looking back on it all, I got to think the good lord was looking out for me and Gizzard. PT and Mean were next in line so they was real close to that big ol' crane they was all jumping from. Now, i don't don't reckon i've ever seen anything so funny in my life, and Gizzard said he's certain he ain't. I reckon my side hurt for days afterwards.
When she got to the top, she sort of staggered out and jumped. I thought she tripped and fell, but that ain't the point. She started off with a great big ol' "Whhhhoooo, but it trailed off into a real quick gurgle. Then the sky filled with vodka, slivo, and breakfast. Mighta been gulash. I weren't close enough to tell and Mean and PT weren't in no mood to discuss it, even though me and Gizzard tried to get 'em to tell us; but we was in a sorry shape and couldn't hardly get a word out between laughs. Hell, Gizzard even squirted vodka out of his nose it was so damned funny.
Well, that Newt feller was just plain wrong! Things don't fall at the same speed cause Whoooaa went faster than her breakfast. Kind of went through it , instead of the proper way, it going through her. That caused it to spread out a bit cause she was a flailing her arms around. Then things got worse. She went through it again on the way up!
I felt sorry for the poor gal. It weren't none too lady like and all. I reckon the smell wasn't too pretty niether ( you know how it was when one kid puked on the bus, kind of like a trigger) cause she proceeded to puke some more, and more while she was bouncing up and down and twirling around.She was a just filling the sky with breakfast. I tell you I sure wished i'd a had a video camera. That damned sure would have won some kind of a prize somewheres.
Well, after they got her down, she just stormed off and PT and Mean weren't too far behind her. I don't know what they ended up doing, cause there weren't no showers around. Those fellers running the jump weren't none too pleased. They was a hollering out the choicest czech words I ever did hear.
I dodged that bullet, but I sure caught the next one. There I was just a sitting and watching the show. I finally done found me a good seat when these guys come over trying to get me to scoot over or leave or something. I told them guys If it was all the same to them I'd just stay where I was, cause I was plum tuckered out. Then they tells me it is for the president! Now I've heard some whoppers in my days, but this took the cake! They nailed for a foreigner and was just trying to také my seat. I knew durned good and well weren't no way Clinton would come all the way over here to this Hootenanny and then sit down in the middle of it!
Well, these boys weren't none to small and a couple of 'em had badges, so in the end I just vamoosed. I was just a steaming until I met the boys from mozekojedy, and they explained it weren't for Clinton, it was for the Czech President, Havel! Sure enough, there he sat.
I felt real bad, so I went back over to make amends. I reached into my overalls to get to the Slivo and offer him a drink, since he was so down home and all. Next thing I knew I was being drug away to this tent I ain't seen before. After the doctors was certain my skull weren't broke, they wrapped my foot up in a část from where somebody kicked me. That was the end of my woodstock experience.
I do Delmonte ( adult Content)
Hey there!
Y'all ain't gonna believe this. I don't rightly even know where to start. I was just walking down the street, minding my own business. I was looking to paint the town red as I'd just got paid and I was looking for a good time. ( you know what I mean.) They got some places over here that put ol' Pauline's to shame.Back to the point, anyway I was just walking down the street keeping my eyes open for just such a place, when I see's a bunch of bikers, or so I thought. (turns out I was wrong) I always got on pretty well with that bunch from the Squashed Skunk, So I reckoned I'd stop in and have a few and maybe they'd know where to find what I was looking for. So anyways, I gets to the door and this feller, Craig, says in English," You got a ticket?" I says, :"No" and he tells me it'll be 2,500 crowns. Well, Hell's bells! That's pretty steep. So I asked him who the band was a gonna be. He says there ain't no band and points to this poster. It turns out it were a fun forty-two party. Whatever that is. I've heard of 69ing, but I never heard tell of 42ing.
I tells this Craig feller that I was really looking to sow some wild oats. He says that I come to the right place and he was sure I'd find whatever it was I was looking for. Then he said something about my coveralls and flannel shirt and asked me if I liked pigs. I said pork was fine with me, but I'd take a steak over it any day.Well, then I went inside and let me tell you, it damn sure was something else! I reckon some of 'em was worried about that Osama fellow because they was wearing gas masks and there was some nurses too. There was a few guys decked out like wrasslers , they had masks and all. There were some others looked like they was rejects from that Mad Max movie. Get this, there were some gals looked kinda like that Pinhead guy from them scary movies. Then there were some others I just can't rightly describe.About that time this one fller ambles over and says," Just look at you big boy, oooowwee." He sounded kinda like a hog or something.
I didn't know wether to hightail it on out of there or hang around and see what in tarnation these folks was up to. In the end I decided since I forked out the cash, I might as well get my moneys worth. I started walking around abit when I sees this big ol' pile of fruit and cool whip. I sees this other fller is eating some. Must not have had any upbringing because he weren't using no silverware. I head on over and I sees why. There weren't no forks or nothing. Well, I paid good money so I figured I might as well get some fruit out of the deal. Where that other feller had been at was a clear spot and it looked like some meat under there. Well, I took a big bite and the next thing you know all Hell breaks loose! First I hear a scream kinda like a rabbit makes, just sends the shivers down your backbone. Then the fruit and coolwhip go a flying! It turns out there was a gal a hiding under all that fruit.
I was trying to apoligize to her, I ain't never been so embarrassed in my life, when ol' Craig come a running over. I explains to him that I didn't know there was no gal in amongst all that fruit and coolwhip. I says I was right sorry and I'd pay for the damages. He just rolls his eyes and tells me to sit down and behave myself. Turns out it was a fruit lady, but she weren't none too happy about being a meat lady.Well these women over here are pretty amazing. Turns out they had a beer lady too. Now, I cain't figure out how they done it, because I couldn't see no hoses, but you just stick your glass under there and she fills it right up! A bit warm, but that's how they like it over here. At least it didn't have a big head on it. It tasted just like American beer too.
After awhile these two cuties come over and asked me if I wanted to join them. I says well sure and we go over to this here room and go in. Well, let me tell you, I'll be damned if they wasn't all naked and a rolling round in a big ol' pile. It liked a family reunion over at the Clinton place.Those gals just started stripping down and I was too. About then somebody must have told a real knee slapper because everyone starts a giggling and chuckling. I didn't catch all the joke but I heard somebody say," Who would have thought it possible on a guy THAT big." I reckon that was the punch line.Then this other gal comes over dressed all prim and proper like a school marm. She says that's just the way she likes 'em and takes me to this other room looked kinda like a school room. She asks me if I'd been a bad boy, Tommy. She wanted to call me Tommy and for me to call her Miss Helga.
I tells her I ain't been a bad boy, but she says she heard I'd been a really bad boy and then she takes the pointer and swats me right across the butt with it! Then she starts in with how I shouldn't do this or that and then she says it's time for lessons to start.She hikes up her dress and she ain't wearing no underwear. I ain't gonna go into to no details, but It was the most fun I ever had in a classroom. Only thing was I lost my chewing gum somewheres.After that these two nurses and a doctor grabs ahold of me and asks me if I had a health certificate or not. They said if I didn't have one, I'd have to go home to America. I said I didn't but lucky for me they said They'd get me one. I followed them to their office and they told me to lay on they table. The nurses start to poke and prod me and wash me all up. They cleaned me real good, inside and out, if you know what I mean. Then outta the corner of my eye I see the doc putting on the rubber gloves. Well, I knowed what was coming next. And sure enough I had to bend over the table and OH! That doc had the biggest fingers, damned big. Thank God ol' Doc Rainey didn't have them that big. Well, he kept at it for the longest time and did it ever hurt! It hurt like the Dickins! Ow!vFinally he finished and they told me I was fine and they'd mail me my certificate.
I went back to the big room and got myself another beer. I had to sit down because I was just tuckered out. Well you know how beer does me, goes through like the Chatahuchi river. I asks this guy next to me where the best place to take a leak was and he points me to another room. Well, I reckon this was the waiting room, and these folks had been waiting for a long time, because some of them just couldn't hold it no more and whoosh, away they'd go. They floor must have been getting real slippery too because a few of these folks had done fell down. The worst part was the folks who couldn't hold it no more weren't turning away, but going right on 'em! I decided I didn't have to go that bad and went to hunting another place. Pretty soon I found another bathroom and there weren't even no lines. I wondered if I should go back and tell those others about it, but I figured it was already too late.As I was walking down the hall, I her this gal a screaming bloody murder. I froze in my tracks.
My mind was torn between getting out of there or helping. In the end I figured I'd better do the right thing. I bust in there and there's this gal all tied down to this tortue rack with clamps all over her body and this one guy is even dripping candle wax on her! I gets all set to to start kicking some butt and saving this poor lady, but then I notice one of the guys is wearing a police uniform. I says to myself," oh, oh Delbert. You really done it this time. You done stumbled into the secret police or something. They probably caught a spy or something."Well, I sure as **** didn't want no problem with THOSE people, so I apologized and scooted right back out of there and headed back the way I'd come. I got my things together and skeedaddled back home. I locked my door and lay in the tub for awhile. Funny thing is, I still don't know what 42ing is.
Y'all ain't gonna believe this. I don't rightly even know where to start. I was just walking down the street, minding my own business. I was looking to paint the town red as I'd just got paid and I was looking for a good time. ( you know what I mean.) They got some places over here that put ol' Pauline's to shame.Back to the point, anyway I was just walking down the street keeping my eyes open for just such a place, when I see's a bunch of bikers, or so I thought. (turns out I was wrong) I always got on pretty well with that bunch from the Squashed Skunk, So I reckoned I'd stop in and have a few and maybe they'd know where to find what I was looking for. So anyways, I gets to the door and this feller, Craig, says in English," You got a ticket?" I says, :"No" and he tells me it'll be 2,500 crowns. Well, Hell's bells! That's pretty steep. So I asked him who the band was a gonna be. He says there ain't no band and points to this poster. It turns out it were a fun forty-two party. Whatever that is. I've heard of 69ing, but I never heard tell of 42ing.
I tells this Craig feller that I was really looking to sow some wild oats. He says that I come to the right place and he was sure I'd find whatever it was I was looking for. Then he said something about my coveralls and flannel shirt and asked me if I liked pigs. I said pork was fine with me, but I'd take a steak over it any day.Well, then I went inside and let me tell you, it damn sure was something else! I reckon some of 'em was worried about that Osama fellow because they was wearing gas masks and there was some nurses too. There was a few guys decked out like wrasslers , they had masks and all. There were some others looked like they was rejects from that Mad Max movie. Get this, there were some gals looked kinda like that Pinhead guy from them scary movies. Then there were some others I just can't rightly describe.About that time this one fller ambles over and says," Just look at you big boy, oooowwee." He sounded kinda like a hog or something.
I didn't know wether to hightail it on out of there or hang around and see what in tarnation these folks was up to. In the end I decided since I forked out the cash, I might as well get my moneys worth. I started walking around abit when I sees this big ol' pile of fruit and cool whip. I sees this other fller is eating some. Must not have had any upbringing because he weren't using no silverware. I head on over and I sees why. There weren't no forks or nothing. Well, I paid good money so I figured I might as well get some fruit out of the deal. Where that other feller had been at was a clear spot and it looked like some meat under there. Well, I took a big bite and the next thing you know all Hell breaks loose! First I hear a scream kinda like a rabbit makes, just sends the shivers down your backbone. Then the fruit and coolwhip go a flying! It turns out there was a gal a hiding under all that fruit.
I was trying to apoligize to her, I ain't never been so embarrassed in my life, when ol' Craig come a running over. I explains to him that I didn't know there was no gal in amongst all that fruit and coolwhip. I says I was right sorry and I'd pay for the damages. He just rolls his eyes and tells me to sit down and behave myself. Turns out it was a fruit lady, but she weren't none too happy about being a meat lady.Well these women over here are pretty amazing. Turns out they had a beer lady too. Now, I cain't figure out how they done it, because I couldn't see no hoses, but you just stick your glass under there and she fills it right up! A bit warm, but that's how they like it over here. At least it didn't have a big head on it. It tasted just like American beer too.
After awhile these two cuties come over and asked me if I wanted to join them. I says well sure and we go over to this here room and go in. Well, let me tell you, I'll be damned if they wasn't all naked and a rolling round in a big ol' pile. It liked a family reunion over at the Clinton place.Those gals just started stripping down and I was too. About then somebody must have told a real knee slapper because everyone starts a giggling and chuckling. I didn't catch all the joke but I heard somebody say," Who would have thought it possible on a guy THAT big." I reckon that was the punch line.Then this other gal comes over dressed all prim and proper like a school marm. She says that's just the way she likes 'em and takes me to this other room looked kinda like a school room. She asks me if I'd been a bad boy, Tommy. She wanted to call me Tommy and for me to call her Miss Helga.
I tells her I ain't been a bad boy, but she says she heard I'd been a really bad boy and then she takes the pointer and swats me right across the butt with it! Then she starts in with how I shouldn't do this or that and then she says it's time for lessons to start.She hikes up her dress and she ain't wearing no underwear. I ain't gonna go into to no details, but It was the most fun I ever had in a classroom. Only thing was I lost my chewing gum somewheres.After that these two nurses and a doctor grabs ahold of me and asks me if I had a health certificate or not. They said if I didn't have one, I'd have to go home to America. I said I didn't but lucky for me they said They'd get me one. I followed them to their office and they told me to lay on they table. The nurses start to poke and prod me and wash me all up. They cleaned me real good, inside and out, if you know what I mean. Then outta the corner of my eye I see the doc putting on the rubber gloves. Well, I knowed what was coming next. And sure enough I had to bend over the table and OH! That doc had the biggest fingers, damned big. Thank God ol' Doc Rainey didn't have them that big. Well, he kept at it for the longest time and did it ever hurt! It hurt like the Dickins! Ow!vFinally he finished and they told me I was fine and they'd mail me my certificate.
I went back to the big room and got myself another beer. I had to sit down because I was just tuckered out. Well you know how beer does me, goes through like the Chatahuchi river. I asks this guy next to me where the best place to take a leak was and he points me to another room. Well, I reckon this was the waiting room, and these folks had been waiting for a long time, because some of them just couldn't hold it no more and whoosh, away they'd go. They floor must have been getting real slippery too because a few of these folks had done fell down. The worst part was the folks who couldn't hold it no more weren't turning away, but going right on 'em! I decided I didn't have to go that bad and went to hunting another place. Pretty soon I found another bathroom and there weren't even no lines. I wondered if I should go back and tell those others about it, but I figured it was already too late.As I was walking down the hall, I her this gal a screaming bloody murder. I froze in my tracks.
My mind was torn between getting out of there or helping. In the end I figured I'd better do the right thing. I bust in there and there's this gal all tied down to this tortue rack with clamps all over her body and this one guy is even dripping candle wax on her! I gets all set to to start kicking some butt and saving this poor lady, but then I notice one of the guys is wearing a police uniform. I says to myself," oh, oh Delbert. You really done it this time. You done stumbled into the secret police or something. They probably caught a spy or something."Well, I sure as **** didn't want no problem with THOSE people, so I apologized and scooted right back out of there and headed back the way I'd come. I got my things together and skeedaddled back home. I locked my door and lay in the tub for awhile. Funny thing is, I still don't know what 42ing is.
Dear Fast Ed and the boys at the Sunoco,
It's finally Spring over here. It's planting time and I'm helping out some of the boys when I get some free time. Those boys go pretty much round the clock when it's time to go. The tractors over here is bout the same as ours. Some of the boys even got themselves deeres. So things are a hoppin here in Mozkojedy. My job teaching at the farm school is going just fine. Evenings pretty much finds me sitting at U Bricho, ain't nothing else to do round here.All the tv is in Czech and it's about the damnedest language there is. Well, more about that later, I don't want to get all worked up into a dander now. A couple of folks here gots a dish on their house, but it don't pick up TNN, CMT, PTL, or even ESPN 10. What they do pick up is all in some other language that I cain't make heads or tails of.
Well, last weekend was Easter Monday. Yup, you heard me right, Easter Monday! It is the most heathen thing on earth too. I was in bed for two days afterwards. I like to never got through the day teaching. Of course the students was pretty quiet, heckfire some of them was worse off than me, if that's possible. I was as pale as a preacher caught poking a pony. I just went home and lay in bed a moaning and a groaning, couldn't hold nothing down niether. It was just an all around misery.
Now, I swears what I'm gonna tell you is the gospel truth. We do the holiday on Monday, but we don't even go to church! That ain't no problem with me though. You see, alls we got is a catholic church. There ain't no Hellfire's Awaiting Antiot Baptist Churches in my burg.All the same the boys from the Bricho drag me out of bed at 7:00 in the morning. Well, I sure as the hell weren't none too happy about about it niether.But the boys was smiles all around. Ain't none of these boys speak English beyond ,"Delbert," and , "That's for Del" (Dopr Deli) . My lessons at the Bricho don't seem to be sinking in none too well, but of course I ain't exactly rattling off the ol cesko myself. Damned thing is we seem to understand eachother while we're there.
Well anyway, the boys was all standing around grinning like possums eating persimmons with these long switches in their hands all strung out with ribbons. Then they pull me out of the door. If I'd a known wahat was going to follow, I'd a broke free and hid in bed all day. We head over to the first neighbors the Gott's. So we knock on the door and waltz right on in like we owned the place. Didn't even take our shoes off like you normally got do like you was in Japan or something. The boys start grabbing the women folk and hiding them real good and hollering"Hady, Hady co pro vody." I think it means the snake is looking for water. Then the gals gives us all an egg! Hell, if I'd pulled something like that back home, I figure I'd get some rock salt in the hindquarters. Then they offer us a half a sandwich. (They's pretty poor over here still and can't afford to put bread on both sides.) Then the men folk poor us each a shot of something or the other. Some stuff called Becker's over and Furnyet. They call 'em appertites. I reckon so, anything to get that taste out of your mouth.
Then there was all the usuals, vodka, something called room, There is also this vice drinks, plum vice, peach vice, and cherry vice. They is right, it is about like putting your head in a vice. Well ain't no sooner we all poured outa one door we stumbled right into another. This kept a going on and on. Finally we get to Tonda's house. ( They call him Tonda on account of that's about what he weighs. But, boy can he put down the beer!) We spanked all they women and his Granny gave us some Gulash .I was really looking forward to something warm, those sandwiches are ok, but when a man's a drinking like that; he needs a full stomach of something substancial. It was called serengetti gulash. I reckon because it was so dry. To look at it you'd think it was Dinty Moore's beef stew, but with no taters. That's a shame, cause I'd really have liked something I could chew up. It was kinda like beef jerky. You keep chawing on it, but you don't really get nowhere. I reckon somebodies cow keeled over from old age last week.
So then we was off for more spankin and drinkin. I wanted to go home, but the boys weren't having none of it. They kept on draggin me from house to house. Now what follows is what I remember because it stands out. I'm sure there was some more stuff, but I just can't recolect too well. About the last thing I remember, well Hell, ain't never gonna forget this one. Was the Klause's. (No relation to Santa, ha ha) There's this onery ol cuss named older .lives in the village and he joined us going up the drive. Older was about three sheets in the wind. We all went in and commenced to the spankin. There was the granny, an aunt, Mrs. Klause and their daughter Sharka. Sharka is a real mean one. She's always screaming and yelling at everybody. You can hear her all night long. Older gets ready for his turn and bends her over the couch and yanks up her skirt! He proceeds to spank her for a bit and then the old fool drops his drawers! No telling what the idiot was thinking, but you knnow the saying about drinking,"you might et Julie, But you ain't shakin your spear." You'll never believe what happened next. The dumbass just cuts loose and starts peeing on her butt!
I was waiting for Klaus to just tear into him and kill the old jackass, but Klaus was just rolling on the floor laughing! About this time sharka showed her teeth. I guess she'd been in shock up till now. She reared up and caught Older with a right and dropped him in his tracks. Well, it weren't hardly fair, the old guy had this pants hanging down to his knees and couldn't have gotten away if he'd wanted to. He lay there a spouting like a fleur de lee!Sure wasn't any of us coulda helped him. We was all just busting our guts laughing. Finally Mrs. Klaus and the Aunt muscle Sharka in the next room and we all get on aout of there. Finally I convinced the boys it might be a good idea to call it a day. Yeah, call it a day and it weren't even noon yet.
The village looked like some sort of secret weapon had went off. The men was staggering all over the place. Some of them was even sleeping on the sidewalk. I got home, but it weren't no use. I couldn't get the key in the lock so I headed toward the hospoda. I was shanghied by Alex's wife first. She was yelling and screaming like something was really wrong, and it was. Next thing you know Alex comes staggering out of the house. His face was redder than Zeman's nose. ( That's what the locals say, I ain't sure what it means.) And there was yellow and white stuff oozing out of his head. Scared the hell right out of me. I figured he done busted his head wide open and the brains were coming out. I tried to help, but when I got closer I noticed it weren't his brains at all, but Tater salad! Seems Alex passed right out in a big ol platter of deep fried pork chops fresh from the fryer. Well that lit a fire under him, so to speak. He panicked and didn't know what to do, and the first thing he saw was the tater salad so he stuck his head in the whole bowl to try and cool his face off.
As soon as I realized he was going to live, I headed back to the bar. Next thing I knowed I seen older laying out front of his place moaning and groaning. Sharka only got him once, but he was looking like he'd been tenderized! He was all over black and blue. Then out from a bush leaps this banshee just a wailing and shrieking at me holding a frying pan. It was Older's wife. Seems somehow she found out about Older and Sharka and wasn't none too pleased. As I closed in on the bar I see something else laying around. The hospoda sits at the bottom of a long hill. Goats are kept in this field to keep the hill clean. There's some houses at the top of the hill, a church, and a park.. What ever it was in the field was all covered in green and brown, kind of like one of them soldier of fortunes. I got closer and saw it was Fanta. He'd been up at the park going home and decided to have one more and took the short cut through the goat pasture. He must've slipped on a goat pie on the top and tumbled down the whole way getting grass stains on him and hitting quite a few more pies on the way down. I sure wasn't going to help him so I went on in to the bar. Next year I am for certain staying home and sleeping.
It's finally Spring over here. It's planting time and I'm helping out some of the boys when I get some free time. Those boys go pretty much round the clock when it's time to go. The tractors over here is bout the same as ours. Some of the boys even got themselves deeres. So things are a hoppin here in Mozkojedy. My job teaching at the farm school is going just fine. Evenings pretty much finds me sitting at U Bricho, ain't nothing else to do round here.All the tv is in Czech and it's about the damnedest language there is. Well, more about that later, I don't want to get all worked up into a dander now. A couple of folks here gots a dish on their house, but it don't pick up TNN, CMT, PTL, or even ESPN 10. What they do pick up is all in some other language that I cain't make heads or tails of.
Well, last weekend was Easter Monday. Yup, you heard me right, Easter Monday! It is the most heathen thing on earth too. I was in bed for two days afterwards. I like to never got through the day teaching. Of course the students was pretty quiet, heckfire some of them was worse off than me, if that's possible. I was as pale as a preacher caught poking a pony. I just went home and lay in bed a moaning and a groaning, couldn't hold nothing down niether. It was just an all around misery.
Now, I swears what I'm gonna tell you is the gospel truth. We do the holiday on Monday, but we don't even go to church! That ain't no problem with me though. You see, alls we got is a catholic church. There ain't no Hellfire's Awaiting Antiot Baptist Churches in my burg.All the same the boys from the Bricho drag me out of bed at 7:00 in the morning. Well, I sure as the hell weren't none too happy about about it niether.But the boys was smiles all around. Ain't none of these boys speak English beyond ,"Delbert," and , "That's for Del" (Dopr Deli) . My lessons at the Bricho don't seem to be sinking in none too well, but of course I ain't exactly rattling off the ol cesko myself. Damned thing is we seem to understand eachother while we're there.
Well anyway, the boys was all standing around grinning like possums eating persimmons with these long switches in their hands all strung out with ribbons. Then they pull me out of the door. If I'd a known wahat was going to follow, I'd a broke free and hid in bed all day. We head over to the first neighbors the Gott's. So we knock on the door and waltz right on in like we owned the place. Didn't even take our shoes off like you normally got do like you was in Japan or something. The boys start grabbing the women folk and hiding them real good and hollering"Hady, Hady co pro vody." I think it means the snake is looking for water. Then the gals gives us all an egg! Hell, if I'd pulled something like that back home, I figure I'd get some rock salt in the hindquarters. Then they offer us a half a sandwich. (They's pretty poor over here still and can't afford to put bread on both sides.) Then the men folk poor us each a shot of something or the other. Some stuff called Becker's over and Furnyet. They call 'em appertites. I reckon so, anything to get that taste out of your mouth.
Then there was all the usuals, vodka, something called room, There is also this vice drinks, plum vice, peach vice, and cherry vice. They is right, it is about like putting your head in a vice. Well ain't no sooner we all poured outa one door we stumbled right into another. This kept a going on and on. Finally we get to Tonda's house. ( They call him Tonda on account of that's about what he weighs. But, boy can he put down the beer!) We spanked all they women and his Granny gave us some Gulash .I was really looking forward to something warm, those sandwiches are ok, but when a man's a drinking like that; he needs a full stomach of something substancial. It was called serengetti gulash. I reckon because it was so dry. To look at it you'd think it was Dinty Moore's beef stew, but with no taters. That's a shame, cause I'd really have liked something I could chew up. It was kinda like beef jerky. You keep chawing on it, but you don't really get nowhere. I reckon somebodies cow keeled over from old age last week.
So then we was off for more spankin and drinkin. I wanted to go home, but the boys weren't having none of it. They kept on draggin me from house to house. Now what follows is what I remember because it stands out. I'm sure there was some more stuff, but I just can't recolect too well. About the last thing I remember, well Hell, ain't never gonna forget this one. Was the Klause's. (No relation to Santa, ha ha) There's this onery ol cuss named older .lives in the village and he joined us going up the drive. Older was about three sheets in the wind. We all went in and commenced to the spankin. There was the granny, an aunt, Mrs. Klause and their daughter Sharka. Sharka is a real mean one. She's always screaming and yelling at everybody. You can hear her all night long. Older gets ready for his turn and bends her over the couch and yanks up her skirt! He proceeds to spank her for a bit and then the old fool drops his drawers! No telling what the idiot was thinking, but you knnow the saying about drinking,"you might et Julie, But you ain't shakin your spear." You'll never believe what happened next. The dumbass just cuts loose and starts peeing on her butt!
I was waiting for Klaus to just tear into him and kill the old jackass, but Klaus was just rolling on the floor laughing! About this time sharka showed her teeth. I guess she'd been in shock up till now. She reared up and caught Older with a right and dropped him in his tracks. Well, it weren't hardly fair, the old guy had this pants hanging down to his knees and couldn't have gotten away if he'd wanted to. He lay there a spouting like a fleur de lee!Sure wasn't any of us coulda helped him. We was all just busting our guts laughing. Finally Mrs. Klaus and the Aunt muscle Sharka in the next room and we all get on aout of there. Finally I convinced the boys it might be a good idea to call it a day. Yeah, call it a day and it weren't even noon yet.
The village looked like some sort of secret weapon had went off. The men was staggering all over the place. Some of them was even sleeping on the sidewalk. I got home, but it weren't no use. I couldn't get the key in the lock so I headed toward the hospoda. I was shanghied by Alex's wife first. She was yelling and screaming like something was really wrong, and it was. Next thing you know Alex comes staggering out of the house. His face was redder than Zeman's nose. ( That's what the locals say, I ain't sure what it means.) And there was yellow and white stuff oozing out of his head. Scared the hell right out of me. I figured he done busted his head wide open and the brains were coming out. I tried to help, but when I got closer I noticed it weren't his brains at all, but Tater salad! Seems Alex passed right out in a big ol platter of deep fried pork chops fresh from the fryer. Well that lit a fire under him, so to speak. He panicked and didn't know what to do, and the first thing he saw was the tater salad so he stuck his head in the whole bowl to try and cool his face off.
As soon as I realized he was going to live, I headed back to the bar. Next thing I knowed I seen older laying out front of his place moaning and groaning. Sharka only got him once, but he was looking like he'd been tenderized! He was all over black and blue. Then out from a bush leaps this banshee just a wailing and shrieking at me holding a frying pan. It was Older's wife. Seems somehow she found out about Older and Sharka and wasn't none too pleased. As I closed in on the bar I see something else laying around. The hospoda sits at the bottom of a long hill. Goats are kept in this field to keep the hill clean. There's some houses at the top of the hill, a church, and a park.. What ever it was in the field was all covered in green and brown, kind of like one of them soldier of fortunes. I got closer and saw it was Fanta. He'd been up at the park going home and decided to have one more and took the short cut through the goat pasture. He must've slipped on a goat pie on the top and tumbled down the whole way getting grass stains on him and hitting quite a few more pies on the way down. I sure wasn't going to help him so I went on in to the bar. Next year I am for certain staying home and sleeping.
Language camps
Hey y'all:
I'm at the camp, and boy is it something. There's kids from all over the country here. There's here, Lucka. she's czech, but she speaks English pretty good. Looks like they don't get out to the dentist too much over here. Her teeths as brown as cousin Billie sue's but she don't chew. I know because I asked her and she said ain't nobody chews over here. There ain't no hot water either. Knid of smells like the Knoblett clan after they been putting up hay.Well, the little'uns is right friendly. They cottoned up to me right away. I told my name was Mr. Peaches, but they could call me Delbert. They started carrying on like something else. I guess the commies only allowed them to use Mr. But they call me Mr. Peaches anyway. Sure are a respectful bunch.
There's this book they use over here, it's kind of like "meet Dick and Jane" except it's meet michal and Susan,the Prokops. I was sure I learned," The Prokop family IS eating breakfast." But this book has it,"ARE eating breakfast. There's some other mistakes too. They're always adding got after had and saying haven't got instead of don't have. And there's lot's of spelling mistakes too. But, it's in the book so I just look the other way and pretend it's o.k.
Oh boy! you'll never believe what happened last night. The guy who owns the camp is a good ole boy, his name is Lotta. Lotta what, I don't know! His brother comes over after every meal and takes the leftovers home to slop the hogs with. Lotta took me to the hospoda, that's czesky for bar. It's in the culture house. It seems every town has one. If that's culture, I ain't got no arguements with it! we started knocking down the brews and I had my dictionairy with me and the next thing you know, we is communicating like old buddies. Then some of the other boys joined us at the table. I don't remeber their names that well but there was, franta, Pavel, and Honda and some others. They taught me this game they've got these matches called "Lucky Boy" they's in a box. they don't have the paper kind. Anyway the boxes have the prettist girls on them, and they ain't wearing much either! This sure ain't Pumpkin Seed.One guy flips the box and whoever is next to him has to drink. If it lands on the back, he gets to pass, if it lands on the front you take 2 drinks. (I guess one for each hooter.) If it lands on its side, you gotta drink half of your beer. If it lands on its end, you gotta finish the beer.
WHOO DOGGIES! Let me tell you, it weren't long before I was plumb plowed under. I could see that it weren't going to end no time soon and I'd had enough. So i started to head back to camp. I didn't think to bring no flashlight but on the way they turned out all the lights. I guess there was a storm somewhere or something. I don't remeber much of what all happened, but I couldn find the bar or the camp in the dark. heck, I couldn't find my hand in front of my face for that matter. All I know was i come to and it was starting to get light and I was passed out in the door of the post office! Well, I hightailed it back to camp and crawled in my bunk. Ol' Lotta wakes up and starts jabbering at me. I just say,"Ano Ano dobry den." that's about all I know. He just smiles and rolls over.
I figured that was the end of it, but I was wrong.there's this English girl at the camp too. She ain't the most easy going person in the world either. She's always acting all uppity and smug. She says she's a feminist, but I think she just likes causing trouble. I heard one of the czechs tell another she thought Krista was a Mrcha. I looked the word up in the dictionairy and it meant carrot. I can't figure out why because Krista has black hair in a crew cut, not red hair.Maybe it's because she's a vegitarian. They's always saying here name wrong too. Whenever she comes near they always say,"Ah Kristus."At breakfast she comes over and starts calling me a damn fool and ignorant and someother stuff. That about did me in. I been putting up with her all week. She's always say erything is so phalic. (whatever that means.)I'd been steering clear of her as much as possible and hanging out with my czech friends. But this was too much, besides I wasn't feeling none to good.
I told her I didn't give a flea's fart what she thought and she just oughter shut her pie hole.This evening me and Lucka and Lotta and the cook Diter went up to the main cabin to watch some videos. The first was "The Good, Bad,and Ugly." Well, I'll be a boil on a baboons butt if ole Clint wasn't speaking czesky! I didn't know he could do that but then I see that it wasn't him at all. They've got this one guy who reads all the parts, even the girls. And he reads real slow and with out emotion. This was real funny when we got to see the stag film.Well wouldn't you just know it. At this point in comes Krista just a fuming and a huffing and puffing. She started on me first, but I just kept my trap shut. You know what ol' sweettater Johnson says," Ain't no use getting in a shouting match with a deaf man. (cept krista would make me say deaf person. She's always telling us how bad we're treating the women, but I never hear any of THEM complaing. We usually are having a good time.) Anyway she's telling me how I ought to be setting an example of western something or the other.Then she starts in on Lucka saying she shouldn't be participating in expolding women. I din't see no women exploding, just that guy who exploded all over that gal. I ain't never going to forget that. reminds me of the time ol' Miss breckenridges mule went crazy and was humping that rug she left on the fence. As matter of fact the only woman close to exploding was Krista, she was as red as can be.
Then Lucka told her to,"DřzHudba." I looked it up, it means hold your music. Krista just stomped out of there in a tizzy.There's only a couple of days left at the camp then I got to decide if I want to stay or not. Ain't much happening in Pumkin Seed and I like it here. I just hope there ain't too many more days like today, I don't know if I could survive it.
Take care,Your pal,
Delbert
I'm at the camp, and boy is it something. There's kids from all over the country here. There's here, Lucka. she's czech, but she speaks English pretty good. Looks like they don't get out to the dentist too much over here. Her teeths as brown as cousin Billie sue's but she don't chew. I know because I asked her and she said ain't nobody chews over here. There ain't no hot water either. Knid of smells like the Knoblett clan after they been putting up hay.Well, the little'uns is right friendly. They cottoned up to me right away. I told my name was Mr. Peaches, but they could call me Delbert. They started carrying on like something else. I guess the commies only allowed them to use Mr. But they call me Mr. Peaches anyway. Sure are a respectful bunch.
There's this book they use over here, it's kind of like "meet Dick and Jane" except it's meet michal and Susan,the Prokops. I was sure I learned," The Prokop family IS eating breakfast." But this book has it,"ARE eating breakfast. There's some other mistakes too. They're always adding got after had and saying haven't got instead of don't have. And there's lot's of spelling mistakes too. But, it's in the book so I just look the other way and pretend it's o.k.
Oh boy! you'll never believe what happened last night. The guy who owns the camp is a good ole boy, his name is Lotta. Lotta what, I don't know! His brother comes over after every meal and takes the leftovers home to slop the hogs with. Lotta took me to the hospoda, that's czesky for bar. It's in the culture house. It seems every town has one. If that's culture, I ain't got no arguements with it! we started knocking down the brews and I had my dictionairy with me and the next thing you know, we is communicating like old buddies. Then some of the other boys joined us at the table. I don't remeber their names that well but there was, franta, Pavel, and Honda and some others. They taught me this game they've got these matches called "Lucky Boy" they's in a box. they don't have the paper kind. Anyway the boxes have the prettist girls on them, and they ain't wearing much either! This sure ain't Pumpkin Seed.One guy flips the box and whoever is next to him has to drink. If it lands on the back, he gets to pass, if it lands on the front you take 2 drinks. (I guess one for each hooter.) If it lands on its side, you gotta drink half of your beer. If it lands on its end, you gotta finish the beer.
WHOO DOGGIES! Let me tell you, it weren't long before I was plumb plowed under. I could see that it weren't going to end no time soon and I'd had enough. So i started to head back to camp. I didn't think to bring no flashlight but on the way they turned out all the lights. I guess there was a storm somewhere or something. I don't remeber much of what all happened, but I couldn find the bar or the camp in the dark. heck, I couldn't find my hand in front of my face for that matter. All I know was i come to and it was starting to get light and I was passed out in the door of the post office! Well, I hightailed it back to camp and crawled in my bunk. Ol' Lotta wakes up and starts jabbering at me. I just say,"Ano Ano dobry den." that's about all I know. He just smiles and rolls over.
I figured that was the end of it, but I was wrong.there's this English girl at the camp too. She ain't the most easy going person in the world either. She's always acting all uppity and smug. She says she's a feminist, but I think she just likes causing trouble. I heard one of the czechs tell another she thought Krista was a Mrcha. I looked the word up in the dictionairy and it meant carrot. I can't figure out why because Krista has black hair in a crew cut, not red hair.Maybe it's because she's a vegitarian. They's always saying here name wrong too. Whenever she comes near they always say,"Ah Kristus."At breakfast she comes over and starts calling me a damn fool and ignorant and someother stuff. That about did me in. I been putting up with her all week. She's always say erything is so phalic. (whatever that means.)I'd been steering clear of her as much as possible and hanging out with my czech friends. But this was too much, besides I wasn't feeling none to good.
I told her I didn't give a flea's fart what she thought and she just oughter shut her pie hole.This evening me and Lucka and Lotta and the cook Diter went up to the main cabin to watch some videos. The first was "The Good, Bad,and Ugly." Well, I'll be a boil on a baboons butt if ole Clint wasn't speaking czesky! I didn't know he could do that but then I see that it wasn't him at all. They've got this one guy who reads all the parts, even the girls. And he reads real slow and with out emotion. This was real funny when we got to see the stag film.Well wouldn't you just know it. At this point in comes Krista just a fuming and a huffing and puffing. She started on me first, but I just kept my trap shut. You know what ol' sweettater Johnson says," Ain't no use getting in a shouting match with a deaf man. (cept krista would make me say deaf person. She's always telling us how bad we're treating the women, but I never hear any of THEM complaing. We usually are having a good time.) Anyway she's telling me how I ought to be setting an example of western something or the other.Then she starts in on Lucka saying she shouldn't be participating in expolding women. I din't see no women exploding, just that guy who exploded all over that gal. I ain't never going to forget that. reminds me of the time ol' Miss breckenridges mule went crazy and was humping that rug she left on the fence. As matter of fact the only woman close to exploding was Krista, she was as red as can be.
Then Lucka told her to,"DřzHudba." I looked it up, it means hold your music. Krista just stomped out of there in a tizzy.There's only a couple of days left at the camp then I got to decide if I want to stay or not. Ain't much happening in Pumkin Seed and I like it here. I just hope there ain't too many more days like today, I don't know if I could survive it.
Take care,Your pal,
Delbert
The second letter I sent from over here
This was really my first letter, I just kind of got it mixed up. I sent one letter to somebody and another to someone else.
Dear Ma and Pa:
I tried to call you, but I couldn't figure it out right away. The trick is finding an international phone, and there just ain't too many of them. Then I found one and it turns out it costs 60 crowns a minute. Well, I just cain't afford that. So, I hope you ain't too worried because you ain't heard from me. I'm all right. Turns out there ain't no war here after all. It's in another slavia country, and it must be pretty far away, because I can't hear no shooting.
This place is chock full of Americans, Canadians, British, Australians and whatnot. I was talking to these Scottish people, but I couldn't hardly understand them. They claimed the was speaking English, but I don't know. They must be from WAY back in the hills.
I went shopping the other day. It's different from back home. They don't wrap the bread, or slice it, and everybody squeezes it and then puts it back. I hope they weren't picking their noses or butts first! If you go into a small stores, you gotta ask for what you want. Since I can't speak cesky yet, I pretty much stick to the big stores. At least there you can pick up a box and look at the picture to see what's in it. I say big stores, but there ain't no piggly wiggly or Wal-mart over here. You go to a grocery store to get groceries, a meat store to get meat, a vegetable store to get vegetables, and so on. It's even worse for other stuff. They sell paint at the drug store, but to get medicene, You gotta go to a lekarna. I went into this one store to pick up a pack of smokes,( You'll never believe this: Those English call'em fags!! Ha Ha!) Anyway, so I walk right in and get in line to buy some. Well, the lady starts a hooting and a hollering and a carrying on. Turns out you got to have a basket in your hand. I tried to make them understand I was only buying one pack and I could carry it just fine, but no, I had to go back and get a basket. The worst part is there ain't no stores open after 4:30 and on the weekends they is only open to noon on Saturday. Boy, talk about a madhouse. It's like the Dicksville mall at Christmas.
Speaking of food. I tried this stuff called smazny syr. It means fried cheese, but it's really deep fried cheese. MMMMM,mmmmmm, it sure is good.
Don't tell uncle Roy, but you remember those magazines we found in his attic? Well they sell them over here. Right out in the open where the women and children can see them! Boy, wouldn't Rev. Harold blow a gasket. He'd be fit to be tied. You know how worked up he gets over that swimsuit issue every spring.
It looks like I'm going to be leaving Prague for a couple of weeks. I got me a job teaching English at a summer camp! Boy, ain't that something, ole Delbert Peaches an English teacher. I bet Mrs. Watson would sure be surprised. I ain't seen her since graduation. She was the only one that tried to teach us that boring grammar that noone could understand no how. The other classes was better, all we did was read books and newspapers. That's how I'm going to teach. If you see her, tell Delbert said,"Howdy," and then you tell her what I'm doing.
They say I might be able to stay a whole year and teach in a gymnasium. I guess the don't have in classrooms for English here yet, on the account of it being a new language and all. I hope they have a room soon, I'd hate to get hit with a basketball while I'm teaching. Now, don't get in an uproar. I ain't made up my mind yet if I'm going to stay or not, the folks are right friendly over here and I like it. The girls are really something and they seem to have taken a shining to me. Besides, there ain't too many girls in Pumpkin Seed that ain't a cousin; specially since the Olson twins got in a family way.
Guess what? You don't need a car over here. They got trains and buses that go all over the place. It's great if you can figure out which one to get on. All the signs is written in Cesky, French, or this funny writing people say is Russian. I guess that's possible 'cause this used to be a Russian colony before they kicked out the reds, kinda like we did with them redcoats. I guess they just ain't got around to erasing the writing yet. Well hell, why not? We still speak English, don't we?
But they got cars here and you should see them. The Czech car is called a "pity" (I translated it for you) and it ain't much of a powerhouse, but it's got it all over the German car called a Trebant. (I don't know no German so I can't translate it) This Trebant is a two-stroke, just like our lawnmower. It's about as powerful, too. The people in the pities like to see a Trebant, because then they can pass something finally. That's what they like most about driving, is the passing. Well, the roads is just full of Trebants and Pities. It's a good thing they are slow. These folks drive like they're running shine, or been watching the Duke Boys too much. I'd hate to see what would happen if they had real cars.
Well, that's all for now,
Love,
Your son Delbert
Dear Ma and Pa:
I tried to call you, but I couldn't figure it out right away. The trick is finding an international phone, and there just ain't too many of them. Then I found one and it turns out it costs 60 crowns a minute. Well, I just cain't afford that. So, I hope you ain't too worried because you ain't heard from me. I'm all right. Turns out there ain't no war here after all. It's in another slavia country, and it must be pretty far away, because I can't hear no shooting.
This place is chock full of Americans, Canadians, British, Australians and whatnot. I was talking to these Scottish people, but I couldn't hardly understand them. They claimed the was speaking English, but I don't know. They must be from WAY back in the hills.
I went shopping the other day. It's different from back home. They don't wrap the bread, or slice it, and everybody squeezes it and then puts it back. I hope they weren't picking their noses or butts first! If you go into a small stores, you gotta ask for what you want. Since I can't speak cesky yet, I pretty much stick to the big stores. At least there you can pick up a box and look at the picture to see what's in it. I say big stores, but there ain't no piggly wiggly or Wal-mart over here. You go to a grocery store to get groceries, a meat store to get meat, a vegetable store to get vegetables, and so on. It's even worse for other stuff. They sell paint at the drug store, but to get medicene, You gotta go to a lekarna. I went into this one store to pick up a pack of smokes,( You'll never believe this: Those English call'em fags!! Ha Ha!) Anyway, so I walk right in and get in line to buy some. Well, the lady starts a hooting and a hollering and a carrying on. Turns out you got to have a basket in your hand. I tried to make them understand I was only buying one pack and I could carry it just fine, but no, I had to go back and get a basket. The worst part is there ain't no stores open after 4:30 and on the weekends they is only open to noon on Saturday. Boy, talk about a madhouse. It's like the Dicksville mall at Christmas.
Speaking of food. I tried this stuff called smazny syr. It means fried cheese, but it's really deep fried cheese. MMMMM,mmmmmm, it sure is good.
Don't tell uncle Roy, but you remember those magazines we found in his attic? Well they sell them over here. Right out in the open where the women and children can see them! Boy, wouldn't Rev. Harold blow a gasket. He'd be fit to be tied. You know how worked up he gets over that swimsuit issue every spring.
It looks like I'm going to be leaving Prague for a couple of weeks. I got me a job teaching English at a summer camp! Boy, ain't that something, ole Delbert Peaches an English teacher. I bet Mrs. Watson would sure be surprised. I ain't seen her since graduation. She was the only one that tried to teach us that boring grammar that noone could understand no how. The other classes was better, all we did was read books and newspapers. That's how I'm going to teach. If you see her, tell Delbert said,"Howdy," and then you tell her what I'm doing.
They say I might be able to stay a whole year and teach in a gymnasium. I guess the don't have in classrooms for English here yet, on the account of it being a new language and all. I hope they have a room soon, I'd hate to get hit with a basketball while I'm teaching. Now, don't get in an uproar. I ain't made up my mind yet if I'm going to stay or not, the folks are right friendly over here and I like it. The girls are really something and they seem to have taken a shining to me. Besides, there ain't too many girls in Pumpkin Seed that ain't a cousin; specially since the Olson twins got in a family way.
Guess what? You don't need a car over here. They got trains and buses that go all over the place. It's great if you can figure out which one to get on. All the signs is written in Cesky, French, or this funny writing people say is Russian. I guess that's possible 'cause this used to be a Russian colony before they kicked out the reds, kinda like we did with them redcoats. I guess they just ain't got around to erasing the writing yet. Well hell, why not? We still speak English, don't we?
But they got cars here and you should see them. The Czech car is called a "pity" (I translated it for you) and it ain't much of a powerhouse, but it's got it all over the German car called a Trebant. (I don't know no German so I can't translate it) This Trebant is a two-stroke, just like our lawnmower. It's about as powerful, too. The people in the pities like to see a Trebant, because then they can pass something finally. That's what they like most about driving, is the passing. Well, the roads is just full of Trebants and Pities. It's a good thing they are slow. These folks drive like they're running shine, or been watching the Duke Boys too much. I'd hate to see what would happen if they had real cars.
Well, that's all for now,
Love,
Your son Delbert
My first letter home way back when
This brings back memories!
written home back in the last century
Dear Mom and Dad:Well, I've been here in Prag( that's how they write it here, sometimes you see Praha, but I think that's german) a week now. It sure is different than Pumpkin Seed. They got McDonald's here too, but you gotta pay for catsup! People put tartar sauce on their fries here. I guess that's cause catsup is so expensive. Now sit down and hold on to your hat cause you ain't gonna believe this. Are you ready? They sell beer here in McDonald's. It's called McPivo. I reckon that pivo is the brewery, like we got Pabst. Now I know I promised you I wouldn't go and get all drunk over here, and I ain't. But I did have one. Let me tell you, one was enough. It's real filling. Give me a Miller lite anyday.They got an underground railway here, just like on tv. You go down these escalators, and then down some more, (boy I sure wouldn't want to be down there if there was a big heavy rain) and there's trains. They come every few minutes and whisk you right along. It sure is something. Lots of Gypsies on the train, but they ain't playing violins or telling fortunes. They sure are friendly though. Always patting you all over. I guess that's their custom.I went and seen that Charlie's bridge. Shoot, it ain't nothing much. It's only a few yards high. Heck, it only takes a second for your spit to hit the water! It long neither, no more than a ouple of football fields. It looks like it's real old too. I wouldn't trust it to hold up a semi. There are lots of statues on it. Generals and such I reckon. I went up the hill to see the castle, but it don't like no castle I ever saw a picture of. There ain't no moats or drawbridges or nothing. Must have been built by the reds! King Havel lives there. Vaclav the second they call him. There was another Vaclav not too long ago. I guess Eurpoe ain't so big. I saw plum to Paris the other day. It was a clear day, normally you can't see that far. I ain't lying neither when I tell you a saw the Efil Tower. Plain as day. Better not tell Gampa this, but I know he said the wiped out all those Nazis in the big one. Well, they missed some. I saw a group of them walking down the street and they was in uniform too. No use getting him all worked up. I know how he can get, especially if he's had a belt or two. Next thing you know he'd be grabbing his shotgun and flying over here to finish the job.Speaking of belts, some of the Czechs I met took me out to the country to meet their kin and skin a hog. The grampa, his name was Deda, had himself a still just like our grampa. The word for shine here is slivovica. Well, they was a just all throwing it down, the women folk too. I had a couple too, just to be socialable. It tastes kind of funny. I think they use a different kind of corn or something.We had some sausage, and this black soup called prdel something. I forget the word. The Granny, her name was Bobbi, she sure could cook and the food just kept a coming. We had dumplings, but they ain't the same as back home. But they was good. That reminds me, they ain't got sliced bread here, you got to do it yourself.Well, I gotta go. Tonight we're going to the trade school for some kind of party. I think it's for the technicians, but they just said technoparty .. tomorrow we're going to the movies to see this Czech war hero. I guess he's like John Wayne or Arnie. His name is Svek
written home back in the last century
Dear Mom and Dad:Well, I've been here in Prag( that's how they write it here, sometimes you see Praha, but I think that's german) a week now. It sure is different than Pumpkin Seed. They got McDonald's here too, but you gotta pay for catsup! People put tartar sauce on their fries here. I guess that's cause catsup is so expensive. Now sit down and hold on to your hat cause you ain't gonna believe this. Are you ready? They sell beer here in McDonald's. It's called McPivo. I reckon that pivo is the brewery, like we got Pabst. Now I know I promised you I wouldn't go and get all drunk over here, and I ain't. But I did have one. Let me tell you, one was enough. It's real filling. Give me a Miller lite anyday.They got an underground railway here, just like on tv. You go down these escalators, and then down some more, (boy I sure wouldn't want to be down there if there was a big heavy rain) and there's trains. They come every few minutes and whisk you right along. It sure is something. Lots of Gypsies on the train, but they ain't playing violins or telling fortunes. They sure are friendly though. Always patting you all over. I guess that's their custom.I went and seen that Charlie's bridge. Shoot, it ain't nothing much. It's only a few yards high. Heck, it only takes a second for your spit to hit the water! It long neither, no more than a ouple of football fields. It looks like it's real old too. I wouldn't trust it to hold up a semi. There are lots of statues on it. Generals and such I reckon. I went up the hill to see the castle, but it don't like no castle I ever saw a picture of. There ain't no moats or drawbridges or nothing. Must have been built by the reds! King Havel lives there. Vaclav the second they call him. There was another Vaclav not too long ago. I guess Eurpoe ain't so big. I saw plum to Paris the other day. It was a clear day, normally you can't see that far. I ain't lying neither when I tell you a saw the Efil Tower. Plain as day. Better not tell Gampa this, but I know he said the wiped out all those Nazis in the big one. Well, they missed some. I saw a group of them walking down the street and they was in uniform too. No use getting him all worked up. I know how he can get, especially if he's had a belt or two. Next thing you know he'd be grabbing his shotgun and flying over here to finish the job.Speaking of belts, some of the Czechs I met took me out to the country to meet their kin and skin a hog. The grampa, his name was Deda, had himself a still just like our grampa. The word for shine here is slivovica. Well, they was a just all throwing it down, the women folk too. I had a couple too, just to be socialable. It tastes kind of funny. I think they use a different kind of corn or something.We had some sausage, and this black soup called prdel something. I forget the word. The Granny, her name was Bobbi, she sure could cook and the food just kept a coming. We had dumplings, but they ain't the same as back home. But they was good. That reminds me, they ain't got sliced bread here, you got to do it yourself.Well, I gotta go. Tonight we're going to the trade school for some kind of party. I think it's for the technicians, but they just said technoparty .. tomorrow we're going to the movies to see this Czech war hero. I guess he's like John Wayne or Arnie. His name is Svek
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