How I had to take a test thanks to some darned law

Well. I went and took that there test I had to také to get my citizenship so I wouldn’t be no immigrant no longer. I was real worried because the parliment done went and passed this new law you got to know their “culture, tradition and speak the language.”

Well, I weren’t none too worried abou the first two. I done been here ten years and I reckon I got the first two down pat. Here in Mozekojedy there just ain’t a whole lot other than culture and tradition. I been through the holidays, done the brigrades, and killed a few hogs. So you can guess the first two parts didn’t have me sweating too bad. But that language part is a real doozy! It’s real trying at the best of times and down right impossible the rest.

They’s real proud of it here. They just damn near bust a gut when some poor feller mangles his tongue so bad he has to have it put it traction for a week just cause he tried out a sentence or two! They thing it’s a real hoot when you try to say, “it sure is raining today.” Only it comes out, “really nice hooters today.” Or if you go and say , “I got a tick today,” and they think you said…well, I ain’t even gonna go there.

Now here’s a basic breakdown of how the language works and enough grammar to get you by in a pinch.

Pronouncing words
This should not even be attempted by the beginner. It is possible to inflict serious damage to your jaw muscles and permently destroy your voice box and tangle your tongue around your tonsils so bad it takes a proffesinal to fix it. Just také a deep breath and chug your beer in as few gulps as possible, order another, and another and relax. This is the problem that gets you if you ain't in the know. You got to get prepared for the language. Now you're ready. If you see this critter hovering over a letter, like the following č or š, just add a huh! But in this case, ř, just give up. Ain’t nobody really knows how it’s supposed to sound and I hear the Czechs even have their kids tongues surgically changed at their 5th birthday to approximate it. The best you can do is do ‘sh” like in “shhhhhhh” be quiet like sound.
Now some letters have this thing, á or í , it don’t matter. It just means slow down a bit on this sound.

Basic Grammar
It’s easy to get all scaired about this and there’s good reason too. It’s dad-blamed as complicated as , well, uh. You got me there. I don’t know of nothing as complicated! But in the duty of truth, I will pass on what I learned here and it is enough to get by on.
Verbs: verbs ain’t so bad. In fact they’s the best friend you got. Just také an English word and add, “ovat” to it and it gets the job done.

What folks are: You just ad “ař” to any Czech word to get what someone is.

Er and est. You know taller and tallest. In Czech just add ší at the end and ne at the start.

Plurals: It don‘t matter. Just say the number and the word. They know what you mean.

The 7 thing: Every word has 7 different ways of saying it for some damned reason I ain‘t never figured out. Something to do with if it‘s a boy table or a girl chair and some other such nonsense. I gave up a long time ago. Také an example, good. Good is either“ dobrý, dobra, dobře, dobro, dobru, dob something and somnething else. It ain‘t worth getting in an uproar over it because you‘ll just end up thowing furniture against the wall or jumping out the window.

Pronouns and “to be” : Now make it easy on yourself and keep yourself out of trouble. You just need this: I am/you are Ja sim/ty si and this I have/you have Ja mam/ty maš That‘s it unless you want to go gossipping and that ain‘t nice.

Vole: This is a word that means you like something or someone and you should use it as much as possible.

So back to the story. The big day was yesterday and I caught the train into the county seat, Penezakradl, and went to the cizi police. I think I told you before, but these fellers is only open on odd numbered Mondays or Wednesdays when the temperature has been less than 25 degrees, (about 80) for three days in a row, but over 5 degrees (about 40) for a week solid and the moon is isn‘t full or new.

I wanted to make a good impression. I had a polka cassette in my walkman ™. I had a plate of jiterniece in my basket with pickled fat hotdogs and some cheese soaked in oil. I had a big ol‘ bottle of that slivervice I told you about before.

There I was just a bobbing around in time to the polka music in case somebody was watching just a couple of hours later it was my turn. Things were looking good. So I plucked up my courage and walked into the room. I turned on the ol’ Peaches charm and let loose with a big smile and said in a loud, but friendly down home voice, “TY VOLE!, jak se maš?”

I put the bottle down on the table and opened the bottle and took the shot glasses out form the basket and poured a shot for everyone. I then took out the meat and cheese and i could tell I was making an impression. They was sitting there with their eyes wide open and jaws hanging down to the table. They knew right away I weren’t no ordinairy foreigner. I done my homework. I then said in my best Czech, “Ty Vole! Na Zdravi!” and held out my hand to clink glasses. Well at that point I had them. Ain’t no way you can get out of this one. You have to drink. It’d be like back home if someone offered you a ride to the hospital after you fell on a pitchfork. You just can’t say no!

They didn’t say nothing but they sniffed the stuff and then they drank it down. Now I hate to cut in here, but I do feel it needs to be done. I told you i been here ten years. You know how I took to the farmers and we all got along. I ain’t no stranger to stills and we soon got to swappin recipes. I showed them a bit about corn squeezings and they showed me a lot about plums.

This particular bottle weren’t none too shabby. It had spent a few years in an oak barrel. It was fine hooch in other words. I watched them and they seemed to like it, but I couldn’t be too sure. Then one of them stood up and went and locked the door. Cold chills grabbed hold of me. These weren’t no ordinary examiners like for a post office job back home. These were the “cizi” police. I was filling up the glasses again, because I do know my customs and traditions and you got to have one for each leg and men three.

Before I could “Ty vole” again, the feller went over to the big wall cabnit and I figured I done something really wrong and was in big time trouble. You don’t také “cizi” lightly. Everytime I hear that word it’s whispered behind my back like people is afraid to use it outloud.

Well, I was sure happy when he came back with some plates and and forks and butter knives. I made to make a toast but they went first, “TY vole,” they said. We dug into the vittles and poured down the slivervice. I used my ty si and my ja sem and must have impressed them because I am now a citizen! I must have made a special impression because as I left i heard them add one of them Czech suffixes to my name. The said ,”Peachavina!”