Happy Holidays!!!!!

I declare, what a year it has done been. I'm ready for the new one too! I got me some:
black cats,Roman candles, screaming meemies, ladyfingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippedy-doodas, crap flappers,whistling bungholes, spleen splitters, whisker biscuits,
honkey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don'ts,
Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with
or without the scooter stick, and one single
whistling kitty-chaser! Yes, I am ready.
(name the film and win a prize!)

Anyway, I was thinking about the year and thinking about camping. Czechs do it different. Thy don't believe in being more than 100 feet from your car or a concession stand. But sometimes they build a campfire at a hotel or in somebodies backyard and get to being all campy like. But the darndest thing is as soon as the talking gets good, some dang folkie from folkyville decides that what everything needs now is for him to whip it out and starting playing with it (guitar). No, sir, he don't ask nobody, it's just assumed we'd rather listen to him and sing along, than chew the fat and tell campfire stories about the time ..... well you know the type.

I generally feel sorry for 'em. Cause like my neighbor who keeps practicing, all them folk was abused children and we should feel sorry for 'em. They didn't have a proper upbring and nobody ever told them, “Dang it, Del Ray Peaches that is the most ornery' catawalling I ever did hear! You just stop that right here and now and don't you ever try that again. Boy! Some folks can sing like an angel and others like a demon, but I'll be if I can quite make out if you sing like a tom cat being run over real slow like, or a couple of freight trains running into one another, slowly like. Whatever it is, it's way too slowly for a mortal man too endure. Boy, I'm only going to tell you this once, and it's probably the truest thing I'll ever tell you. Don't torture poor people who never done you no wrong and don't make a Grade-A Number one jackass out of yourself again!”

No, too many folks out there was never told the truth, and as an act of kindness, we just grin and bear it. Cause, think about it. If you're a kid and your folks tell you in your own house it ain't no big deal. Heck you're a kid. You'll find something else to take up in ten minutes or so. But, an adult under this dillusion for 20 years or so, why it's just about kill him. And dadburnit, sometimes I am sorely tempted!

I hope everybody had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year!

Dang, Praho has got spiders?

Another reason to stay away, them there SPIDERS!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ohz5nQmSU84

Mikulas, cert, andel and Klaus

It's the first holiday of Christmas, if you don't count Barbora, and most don't.
Anyway, Mike, a devil, and an angel go around scaring little kids, and gettin drunk.

Anyway i just learned something new.
In America, we got





But here in Czecho they got:

Svejked

When I first moved over to here, I was told about Svejk. It was the Czech national war hero. I figured it was an action type thing, but it sure weren't. It was the opposite. In other words, so to speak, Svejk ain't no Audie Murphy. He's more of a Gomer Pyle. And since it was written by Hasek, the goal keeper, it's entirely possible that's where the inspiration came from.

But, since the Svejk craze has done took hold, it's just spread and spread. Svejk has become a role-model. Just you close your eyes and imagine Gomer Pyle being what everybody thinks is the best you can do. Well, that has happened here. A nation of Svejks has arisen. I had a problem with my sell phone, so I went where they selled it to me and they couldn't help me. Then they told me to go to the operator, who all 5 of told me to go back to the store. Then the internets done said go to the store, who went and said, yup, but not this store! This is Svejkism. It's how the country is run. Everything is Svejked up.
(Quick note about the Oxygen stores. For some durned reason, Oxygen shops sell phones. The Oxygen shops are the worst managed most Svejked up phones in the country. I ain't never heard nobody say nothing good about them! They should have stuck to Oxygen. With the season of inversions upon us, there is a definite need for it!)

You have a problem with your sink and they send the guy over to fix it. He don't do nothing that lasts more than 2 days. Then you figure it out. Shucks, he ain't never going to fix it! He's just going to Svejk off until you get sick and tired and fix it yourself, or try to out Svejk him. But you better be ready to get flooded and stunk out from overflowing toilets and leaky sinks to out Svejk a Czech. Their house ain't all Svejked up. No, just where they work, or Svejk about to make some money is all that's Svejked up.

Yup, if you is going to live here, you better just come to the understanding that you is going to have to take care of everything yourself, except for most things that you need a license to do, then you have to have a Svejk come and Svejk about for a month or two to do a 5 minute job. But, it'll just be Svejked up and he'll have to come back again 5 more times for a couple of years before you just say, Svejk it!!!!! But there you got no choice, because the Svejk laws protect Svejkism.

Sometimes, I think this country is just Svejked beyond repair. The commies thought the same thing. Uncle Ivan was here for awhile and they tried their hand at unSvejking things. They invented a new guy, Jarda Cinnamon to be a new hero. Jarda was supposed to get the Czechs pumped up and ready to do something right and be productive. O'l Cinnamon was a smart feller who invented just about everything. He took credit for all the things the “West” done invented, like electricity and cars and television, etc... It's all part of propoganda. You see, Ivan wanted everybody to think how the commies were the smart guys, so Jarda was super-smart. Einstein and company were just ripping off ol' Mr. Cinnamon!

But, it didn't work out too well. The commies is gone and Cinnamon is still around, but the real hero remains Svejk.

Some random thoughts over the summer

Well, I was working a lot of the summer to save up for a vaction that never happened due to several of the normal things that tend to happen to me.

One of the first things I done was to take some of the young'uns to a place called Czech-Switzerland. Now, it's a nice place, I got no problems giving it my nod, except for one part of it. Now, we was in mezni louka. It might mean something like middle elbow. There is a campground there and the lady is very nice, got grills and everything. But, if you go from ther to Praciky Brana, be prepared. It's the largest stone bridge around these parts and the way is just breathtaking. It is really a fine walk, but, when you get to the top where the good stuff is, you got to pay 75kc to get to the concession stand where water is 185kc!!!!!!

Just pack lot's of water and don't plan on seeing the best part of it close up.
Seems a Russian guy bought it, according to what I was told by the locals. Just imagine selling Smokey mountain to the Arabs, and you'd understand the feeling! I hear they is planning a comedy serial about a greedy man called VeeKay and the Bear.

Now the thing that just knocked for me another loop was that all this people was using ski poles! Yup, I kid you not, two ski poles and walking along like it was Winter! But it was one of the hottest days of the year!! (That's why the 185kc liter of water was such a real splinter up my butt!) I figure it was “special” day, like the special olympics. Or since the seemed to be gargling, it must have been the Germans. Who knows????


II

I've been here awhile now and still get a surprise on occasion. The weather being one of them. (This was wrote back in August) One week it's 95° and as wet and sticky as a Preacher's daughter's underwear. The next day it's 50° and
as cold as Preacher's wife!

So basically, you get a year's worth of weather every week, which ain't bad for the price. There ain't nothing a Czech likes more than a bargain, so you'd think they'd be mighty happy with it. Nope! They complain because they are jealous someplace else is getting more weather for the same price. But, the weather is here is like the food, never too spicey. I guess if you figure clouds as dumplings, that's about as accurate as it can be said.

Del moves

Well, I went and moved last weekend and it durned near killed me! The new place is on the fourth floor and there ain't no elevator or wench or nothing at all in line of helping.

I'm just happy as heck I went and done it in the cool weather. I had some help, some of the boys from the wine shop. They got wine on tap there! I never cared too much for the store bought wine back home, it was kind of a stuck up city folk thing. But here it's just the opposite! Well. Ypu still got your citified snooty folk, but here it's a normal drink for normal folk. Shoot, you go to Moravia, where I used to live,
and people got their own cellars packed with wine.

So we carted stuff up and down them stairs untilI I thought I would need oxygen. I still got a head-ache getting used to the altitude. The place is in the attic of an old school. It's kind of like a cleaned up and painted hayloft. It's where the town stuffs its teachers since it can't afford to pay them much. They is mainly younger teachers just getting started.

I'm getting settled in now somewhat. My back is in a knot and I still get winded going up them steps, but I guess in the longhaul, it'll be good for me. It's a sight better than the old place. The old coot over there was a bustin' in every two weeks to see if I'd used too much water or not. After he'd leave I'd have to open the windows for a couple hours to freshin' it up. Ought to be a law against being so stingy you don't shower. Folks ought to have to give everbody downwind a few dollars to compensate. I reckon they'd just as soon spend it on soap and water in that case.

The other folks in the attic here ain't been none to friendly. Not a single one has stopped in to welcome me! I guess they's just shy. Some of them is single gals and it wouldn't look none too good to be knocking on a man's door.

Well, the darndest part is this: I have to wait 3 weeks to get the internets turned on! And the same with the cable TV!!!!!! I ain't got no tv now, nor internet. It just burns my butt. They got their ways over here, and they ain't exactly compatible with mine all the time. I had to go to 4 different offices in three days to get this place. One to tell me to go to anotherl, to copy a paper, and then tell me to come back tomorrow and another to give me a contract, and another to give me the keys. Well' I'm in now and I ain't moving back down them stairs without a fight.

LaWanda page

Lenny bruce? George carlin? No!!! They weren't the cutting edge!
Buddy hackett?
Sorry!
LaWanda Page was the original genius sharp tongued raunchy comic !
You know her as Aunt Esther, but you don't know know her.
I implore you to go to you-tube and search the name and get shocked! Chris rock is still in his diapers when compared to this lady!!
LaWanda Page, my hat is off to you! You are possibly the greatest modern comedian that ever performed. The others were mere hacks.

be prepared, this is raunchy!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4LJQY6WLxg&feature=related


But she desrsves so much more than she has. Most of you don't know her name, yet Richard Pryor? Yes.
All coat tail riders.

still kicking

I'm in the process of moving and such, so forgive me for not bogging at the present.

G'day mates

I want to say 'ello to my mates from Toowoomba Australia! Hey Blokes! Look! There's a sheila in the bllybong!
Speaking about Shielas,




I here tell this woman was ate by a dingo?
Is that fair dinkum?

see ya' later.
Carp o'while Del p.

Wiped out

Delbert TP

I spent the summer travelling and teaching and I got some things to tell you about. Now I got spoiled on my toilet paper at home and forgot how bad it could get. They got this stuff that's recycling. That's too much for me!

They got stuff here that just won't do the job, so to speak, But (ha ha) it'll sure rip the skin off of your rump! What i can't figure out is how it takes your skin off, but don't get at what it's supposed to! How is that possible? is that what recyling means?

I try to fit in around here and not stick out like a sunflower in a pea patch. But, I just got to draw the line somewhere! You remember ol' Uncle Zeph's cabin up on Coondog Knob? He was always too cheap to buy paper and the ol' coot couldn't read neither. There weren't nothing but corncobs!

I'm here telling you right now those corncobs didn't hurt no worse than this here paper does! And furthermore, them cobs took off both your skin and what it needed to. At least the when you was bleding you knew you were clean! Here you're bleeding and needing another go at it!

Maybe that's what folks mean when they say Czech is tight-asses. Cause you sure do clinch up when you know that paper is coming to recycle on your butt!

Busy

I probably won't put much up as i'm going away for a bit and won't be near a computer. Check back in 3 weeks.

internetted

Well, I'm on-line at the homestead now. And I'm trying to get caught up and I'm real sorry i ain't been posting nothing.
Anyway i got this skype thing. I been calling evryone back home catching up on old times.
It's just like on those movies about the future, you can see each other and everything. cept you best not sit around in your skivvies while using it.

sorry

sorry for not posting lateltely. Been real busy. But i get the intronet at home today! So, stay tuned.

My last post

On my old computer. Well, folks, it’s time for me to say good-bye to an old friend. It ain’t much to look at, that’s for sure. The plastic has turned yellow on the monitor and it never was none too quick. I rescued her from the closet, I said, “Heck, if you’re just gonna throw it in the closet I could always také it home and do homework and such on it for the students.”

And tonight is possibly the last time I or anybody will ever fire up the circuits and put their thoughts into whatever it is that makes the thing work. It’s like that cartoon with dexter when he has to shut down his computer and is so sad. There was another movie about that, something about space.

Anyway, new and improved time and I am hooking up to the internet at home. Yes sir, truck pulls and al kinds of good stuff on the web. I cain’t wait, but it’s sad to say good-bye to someone who always managed to get what I wanted on the screen sooner or later, or at least a fair compromise.

So, like a pair of good shoes whose time has come, I say good night. Heck, the new one might not work and we’ll be together again, maybe.

Good night.

Hair Gott!

Hair Gott


These Czech folks worship a strange God. (They call them Gotts) I reckon it’s kind of like them Catholics got them Saints, you know a different one for everything.) But apparently the hair Gott is the one for desperation. Every time they get into a situation where things is just too much, they throw up their hands and say, “Hair Gott!”

I got (ha ha) to a wondering just what a Hair Gott was exactly so to speak. I did some digging around it it turns out that it might be Herr gott, which is German for Mister, although here a Mister is a champion and a Pan isn’t for cooking but for Mr,ing like we do back home. But this ain’t Germany and ain’t been for 63 years. Or 90 years since it was really full-time Austria-idiot ruled. (The Czech word for hungry is Magor, which means stupid, or idiot. I guess smart people keep themselves well fed around these parts.) The history around here is so confusing it could make you throw up your hands and say, “Hair Gott!”

I thought I was making progress in figuring this all out and then on the news I seen the Hair Gott himself! Seems some young American hadn’t yet figured out how to drive around these parts and went and crashed into Hair Gott’s car.

Driving around these parts is interesting. Basicly you put the gas pedal to the floorboard and never let up. People pass into oncoming traffic on a two-lane highway, over hills, on blind corners, it just don’t matter. Back home you could sell tickets to sit alongside a Czech highway and watch the action. It’s got (ha ha) figure 8 racing beat all to heck. There ain’t no roller-coasters in this country. They don’t need none. You want the bejeebies scared out of you, just get a Czech to give you a lift somewheres.

So, this American probably slowed down or stopped at a light or something like that and caused an accident. There were pictures on tv that showed Hair Gott and he weren’t holding no grudges and said the American probably just didn’t know no better. But then it dawned on me! His hair was perfect. Even after an accident it looked just right. You know like Elvis had hair that was just right, so does this Hair Gott.

Then I went to searching on the internet and found out that this Hair Gott was really the Czech Elvis! It all sort of fit together then. And this Gott was famous in the old East Germany! So that’s why they say Hair, or Herr. They sound the same and nobody bothers to spell it out, so it’s darned near impossible to know. But, they don’t say Pan Gott. That much I know.

BTW, here's a picture from his site:


www.gottland.cz
It ain't like disneyland or even Dollywood though.

Chesty Tina

Howdy Y’all! What’s new?

First a big hello to my Austria alien friends from OZ!!!
( I got no idea what the heck they is talking about sometimes. Are they munchkins, or flying monkeys, or just a bunch of wierdos like them trackies?? And no trackies ain’t NASCAR fans or even that Formula 1 stuff which is about as exciting as watching a traffic jam pull into a garage every so often. Trackies like to dress up as space creatures and have big conventions and pretend they is all from a different planet.)

Now, Austria is just south of the border here. There is some wierd folks from there allright let me tell you! Seems this guy named Fritz ( No, I ain’t being Politically incohernet! his name really is Fritz!) kept his daughter in a dungeon for 24 years. Now dangnabit don’t he know you lock daughters up in a tower! You lock enemies up in the dungeon! I guess he ain’t read enough stories. But, you never know what those fellers down south will get up to next.

Anyway, seems there was a big mix up last weekend. It was May first ( they call it Labor day! And they say it started in Chicago! I don’t even bother to try and straighten them out anymore. Labor day is in septemember)and it’s a big holiday and everybody gets of work except those people who have to work like in the super market and gas station and other places. Now this weekend is May the 8th and it is to celebrate the end of the second world war. You remeber gramps telling us all about shooting the nazis and capturing 100 krauts all by himself.

So they got it mixed up because the nazis and the Red menace was all set to reenact the war and they got ready in there seperate areas, but I guess somebody realized the mistake because they never went through with it and everybody just went home after some speechs saying something. I don’t know because I was at home watching it on tv.

Now, what’s going to happen this weekend when they all went and blew it last weekend? Probably not much. But at least tomorrow I get to sleep late. (tomorrow is yesterday to you because I’m writing this at home the day before yesterday.)

Hey, can you Czech people help me out? Just who is Chesty Tina? Everybody is always telling me I need to talk to Cesty Tina, and I don’t know where she lives. They always say I’ve been here long enough to speak to Chesty Tina. Now she sounds like a right nice gal and I’m looking forward to meeting her.
So, if you know where I can find her, just drop me a line.

My death

I am not dead, yet. I don't plan on it none to soon.

1,000 here we come!

Well, shake my seeds and call me a gourd! It’s great to see so many folks visiting. I never thought I’d get 1,000 folks here reading my letters home. Only reason i started was because it was free and a letter took 10 days and cost about a dollar. Of course now it’s more like $10 !!! So i’ll keep on posting them here. Confound it! Why don’t that I ever work? It did that time. I want to be the first person of non Czech roots or kin to weigh in on the topic of every Spring. Socks and sandals. Tarnation what’s the deal anyway? You get used to it. After a bit it really is nice. Heck, I’ll never go back to sockless!

It can get chilly all the sudden around these parts. You’ll be glad you have those socks on then! Go to a pub? Got to drain the main vein? You better hope you got socks! All that ricochet around the feet area ain’t pleasant. Unless you’ve got one of them there elevated ones not the full length. Still a problem! Still splashes around. I don’t want my bare feet in there. A layer of cloth is just what i like. (There went that i again)

And FYI! Naked feet ain’t so pretty. Don’t matter none what color you paint your nails if your foot is black from dust. And it’s a lot easir to have a spare pair of socks than feet!

Top 5 reasons to wear socks with sandals:
5 You blend in and are less likeley to be ripped off.
4 Can still hide money in your socks! I ain’t heard of no pick
socks around here.
3 Spills, trash, and such can make those socks nice.
2 You can fill a sock with change and “whop” somebody up side
the side of their face, being sure to catch the nose real
good.
1 The number one reason, pan. Jeden, mR. Uno, is:
Dog crap is everwhere. You always try to watch, but
sometimes it happens, “Sploooosh” You know you kind of slide
in it too. Now every Czech gets upset, “Do Pizza! Co to je!
Kgdo mam pes velkly jak tak.” Then there’s some other words
might not be for all to hear. But if you got a sock on, it
ain’t so bad. You just peel that one off and toss it away.
Socks ain’t too big and if you’re prepared; a pair in your
day sack is just what the doctor ordered and you’re on your
way. No fuss, peel and dispose.

That’s the top 5 resons. If you got more, post them! Don’t be afraid. Join in. Let’s see what you got.

Now just a randomn complaint. I got a new DVD payer. It’s a Thompson. I like to watch my films and pause and zoom in on important things, like the program on a vintage NASCAR race. You see the darnedest things when you stop and zoom in there. I really use that feature, but the durnded thing is too small.My thumb covers four buttons at any time. If i get in a hurry and try to stop and zoom too fast, it goes double time and on zoom x2. I had to get a pencil with an an eraser on it to use casue my fingers was too big.

AND the damned shame of it is who are they selling them to anyway? We need remotes that are man sized and you can grip it and squeeze it and make it your friend.

Dvd plyers one more. What’t this story about a new kind? Dangit I got burnt by beta and i don’t want a repeat of that.
I got the dukes on the way. Had Andy since Christmas, and got the hillbillys too! Not them damned squid ones! They ought to be chopped up into cod bait! (insert image bair\ter)




I gueus that about it for today. Been a complicated weekend wit a woman winnin an indy race. But she ain’t going to do it at the 500. Wish i could be there. I am sad and miss both the derby and the 500. But I hope to build a grill out on the balcony soon so, ribs are first.

dadburnit! I had a nice post too and left it at home. Cxheck in tomorrow.

falf full or half empty??

It was a real nice weekend and I went outside to shoot some pictures. Along the way I came across a “Hospado” that’s a place to buy beer and no food. Although they might have some pickled cheese or sausages. Although I ain’t seen no pickled pig’s feet nor eggs much, I have seen some pickled eel wrapped up in onion.

Anyway,! I was sitting there and squinting from the sun and writing things to think about, things to do, and things to think about doing. The spring sun was just right and the pivo was no more than a mortal has a right to expect in this world. I was just about in my own private Heaven. The birds was a twittering and flowers was hanging from the trees and things was what you hope for and when you get it you appreaciate it. Until, that is, until this yammering idiot sat down next to me. How did he know I wasn’t czech? How did he know to speak English and inflict me with his whateverthehellyoucallitwouldntshutupaboutandmusthavebeenimportantbutillbedamnedificared.

Well, I tried to ignore him and pretend I didn’t understand because I just lived here, but he kept on. This yahoo kept on and bought me a beer so I left my own private paradise in the leaves and sunlight and thudded down to my chair.

Maybe this feller seen my scowl and thunk it was a frown and I was in need of consoling. Well, I was in need of consoling for one of them moments you remember for ages had been cut short. So the feller says, “Tis better to be an optimist and proved wrong than a pessimist and proved right.”
Well, at first I wasn’t sure what he was getting at. There’s just too many denominations to keep track of these days. I just sort of looked at him and said I didn’t reckon I was too interested as I was a Baptist and that was enough for me. I reckon God will sort out the pessimists, optimists, and the Espispicalions like he sees fit.

So then the feller puts his glass of pivo in front of me. Here’s what happened next!:

Feller: Look, is this glass half full or half
Empty?

Me: Well, that depends. Is it mine or is it yours?

Feller: It doesn’t matter! It’s just a beer!

Me: Just a beer?! If you’re talking like that!, it ain’t yours. So is it mine or somebody else’s?

Feller: Who cares! It isn’t important.

Me: I see. And you’re right. It ain’t important. A beer that ain’t mine ain’t important enough to discuss.! ;! Be back in a minute.

( A few minutes later. ;! )

Feller: Ok, It’s your beer on the table.

Me: So, why do I have a beer on the table? Did it appear before I ordered it, or am I coming back from watering the trees, or has it been here all along?

Feller: Whatever!,!.!

Me: Well, your the one making the fuss. Ok, it’s my beer. Is it half full or half empty? It depends. If I have had a gulp or two, it’s half empty. If the waitress brings it to me like this, it’s half full.

Feller: So an optimist sees it half full and a pessimist half empty! Why are you a pessimst?

Me: So, you’re saying that a good day is run of the mill, and a bad day is special? I say a bad day is run of the mill and a good day is something special. I like my special days to be good ones. Now about the beer. It seems to me an optimist is going to die of thrist waiting for that half full beer to finish getting full, while I am going to enjoy helping this half empty beer accomplish it’s goal.

© 2008 April 13 2008
(No shit!)

I got to take my hat off to this guy!

http://news.scotsman.com/uk/Marathon39s-no-sweat-if-you.3977250.jp

By Karin Goodwin
AS BRITAIN'S oldest employee, 101-year-old Buster Martin aimed to smash another record yesterday as the world's oldest marathon runner, helped along the gruelling 26.2-mile course with a pint of beer and a cigarette.
Bearded and spritely, the former army physical-training instructor got in shape for yesterday's London marathon in his time off from a plumbing firm. Before setting off, the father of 17, who is also a star with a pop group called The Zimmers, said: "I've said I'll attempt it. I haven't said I'll complete it. I'll do what I always do and have a pint and a fag. People ask what's my secret but I haven't got one. They say fags and booze are bad for you – but I'm still here, aren't I?"Expected to complete the race in 12 hours, he was well on target at the 13-mile mark, where he stopped for a beer, cigarette and some homemade sandwiches.

new news from over here

Hello Hello!

What’s new over here? Nothing much. Weather has been acting up. We had had a hurricaine! Yup, pretty durned near unbelievable since there ain’t no ocean around for miles. Also some mountains between us too. Be kind of like Nebraska getting one. None the less it’s true. It’s name was Emma. Came a roarin through too. Knocked down some trees and light poles and blew out windows too! I got it all on video, but I can’t figure out how to get it on that you-toot site for videos just yet. I promise to let you know when I get it done.

Only the thing is they pronounce it, “U Rah Gan” I heard all the warnings it was coming so I was prepared. I thought a darned big ol urangatang was coming and nobody knew what to do. You see there’s strict gun control over here so when a giant urangatang attacks we is all pretty helpless unless the police manage to, well never mind. The police is too busy with this Krystoff guy they’ve been hunting for a few years now. They set up roadblocks all over the place, but never catch him.

So anyway, if you here something about a bunch of bananas and a really big box, just don’t pay no mind to it. Besides, that box must have blown halway to Kiev.

I been watching some classic Czechoslovakia animation lately, cause the cable company cut off all the good stuff and I ain't gonna stand for it, so I’m getting me a satelitte dish soon. I hope it picks up the bass fishing channel.

Anyway there’s these two fellers, A Je, and To. They kind of like to do it themselves. Now, I didn’t mean what your thinking!,* although they ain’t never got no women around. But, it ain’t like they’s Bert and Ernie or something like that. They got their own apartments. They like to fix things up. Kind of like that show with Jim Allan “Tool Tim” or something like that. Anyway these fellers are better. They’s kind of like Gumby or something and not drawn out.

They is always getting themselves in trouble and making it worse by trying to fix it. Thing is I can never figure out which one is the clumsier? A Je or To? (Pat and Mat)

They started out in commie times and as such their political expressions and messages for human rights and political freedom were often edited out. In fact one of them was forced to wear a "red"”shirt at all times. After each job was completed due to the efficency of Socialist skilled workers, they had to give a commie salute! They took their right fist and put it to their left shoulder. It’s some kind of salute to “Streda Joe”. I ain’t sure who he was. I think it was some kind of Uncle Sam thing, but I ain’t never seen no picture of him. The pressure got the better of them and they quit for awhile.

Then the commies had to move over for democracy!! Yes Sir, it was a good time and everyone was happy and an optimist. (This is a new word I learned and I’ll tell you about it later.) They say the trees bloomed blossoms of gold and honey dripped from the hives and milk spurted from the cow right into your glass 100 meters away. They said springs sprang beer and sausages grew from trees and even death took a holiday! ( I seen a documentary about this. I guess color tv was a little slow in getting here for the democratic movement!, who had to use hand made equipment and film they made themselves.) They say everyone was singing from the windows every morning (I seen this in another documentary about life on a farm. Da Da da da dadadadada) and even the shopkeepers welcomed customers into shops!

The peole talk about it still. It will go do in Czech history right along there with Tomas the Masaryk and the Round Table of the First Republic. They say this time was even more enchanted and amazing! The streets gleamed from the crystal and garnets they were paved with and ordinary railroad stations turned into palaces! Tomas the Masaryk was the wisest most can reckon and talk about, although the stories of King Charlie the Architect are very interesting indeed. It is said he built most of old Prahu single handedly!! At least a bridge, and a college! I gotta admit (see first letter) at first I weren’t none too impressed until I heard this! Now I understand all the “oooh” and “aaahh”ing.

This probably has got something to do with A Je and To being such a folk-like collective sympathetic memory. Sort of like Rabbits and ducks and cats and mice are American cartoon heroes. (upgraded my thesarous program!)

After the commies left, Czech and Slovakia, which was Czehosloavakia decided to call it quits. It was called the velvet divorce. Everything here is velvet. A velvet revolution, divorce, a beer, and who knows what else!

So basically, Czech and Slovakia which was once in the same place, split and they ain’t in the same place no more, cause they is two different countries now. Well, Slovakia got A Je and To. So in order to save their country and boost moral, they stage a comeback.

So they did. They made more episodes free from the yoke of commie tyranny and Czech suppression. But did they lose their edge? Did they need that pressure to push the edge of freedom to really bring out the best?

It depends on who you talk to. Some say they sold out, see the EU flag in Dlazdice. They even ending up on the Fox network for awhile. For many that was just too much. They’d gone hollywood.

Today they are selling DVD’s in newshops and making “best of” collections. Who knows what is in their future? Can they once again get a hold of the root of what made them great and let us laugh once more? We can only hope the EU and Hollywood haven’t destroyed them!

(er, uh, I may have cut and pasted some stuff that wasn’t exactly my own, but it just sounded better than In could have done myself)



· This is a patentened Delbert Peaches © punctuation mark. Del Marks ™ are like this:
· ?! Wow, What question!
· ,! Wow, what a pause!
· .! Wow what a sentence, better pause extra long.
· ;! I’m sneaking out for a smoke.

Then there is the
!? Hell Yeah, maybe.
!, That’s right, And
!: Yes, and more!

News of the weekend

Well, Hey there!

Once again I write to you all. That is called redundant it means to say something that don’t need to be said. Or in the Untied Kingdom, it means you done been put on the dole. On the dole is a way of saying you is out of work , in US English. I think the British say something about sucking on the teet of something.

Sorry, had to put a little lesson in there. I hear there’s a job opening up on one of the papers for an English writer to tell all about how to speak English. I would like to tackle that job.

Anyways, what is in the news? Some strange goings on today. It seems Casper was seen in Prague in the castle!! It was on the news. He was seen by a whole bunch of people. But I heard something about the presidet’s son too. I guess Casper scared him. I hope they all know that casper is a friendly ghost!

Then the thing that perplexed me the most. It seems that the Paris Hilton came to Prague! It really knocked my socks off. I had to go see it myself. There is an Effiel Tower here, so i figured the moved the Hilton too. I never saw nothing though. I was in this restaurant having a beer when i heard some people say the Paris Hilton was coming! I got up and moved toward the window, but all I could see was a bunch of reporters looking at the restauarant. Then I turned around and bumped into this skinny little gal. I guess she slipped and I tried to catch her, but she fell down. She started crying and then she ran off with her feller. I tried to say i was sorry, but I didn’t have a chance.

Mr, mus

1 CommentClose this window Jump to comment form

Anonymous said...
As a new Aussie expat in Prague, I have found your blog intriguing. Do you have any sage tips and advice for surviving this place? I feel like your advice would be more useful than anything that I may care to read on expats.cz.With love,Aussie Expat
March 28, 2008 6:29 PM

Well, the number one tip is this: It ain't Kansas, toto. Grit your teeth and get used to it. You're going to have bad days. But now it's Spring and everything is nice and skirts are getting shorter!

Drinking at 6am ain't frowned upon, so go for it!

When you gotta go to an Urad, take some kind of elephant dart like they use to put them to sleep with. Stick it in your neck before you open the door.

time and space realtionships

Well, it’s good to sit down and let you all know what’s new. You remember that there film gumball rally or something with Bert Reynolds, Don Deluise, Jakie Chan, Bond 007, and of course Farah Faucet!!!????? I don’t know what in the heck they’re up to here, but everyday it’s just carnage and more of it. They had a big ol’ demolition derby on the main road, D-1.

Other than that ain’t been a whole lot going on. Except this, I was sitting there in my rocking chair, rocking away like I always do just as long as it’s possible without some damned busybody coming a long and trying to make me do something I’d rather not. Things like work and shopping and cleaning and so on drive me nuts sometimes!

It was like Ol’ Aunt Slyvester used to always go on about getting off my butt and going somewhere. Well, I realized I am going somewhere. And pretty durned fast too.

So, We’re going around in circles like about 1,000 miles per hour. Earth is about 23,000 or so miles around, depending wher you want to wrap the tape. Kind of like some women folk I know. That tape can make a bit of difference. So, it’s like you’re flying around in a giant tilt-a-whirl, only you’re outside the cage being stuck to it! It’d take a nascar car about 5 days to go that far.
Dang, that’s a scary picture flying around that fast on a big ol’ ball. BUT then we is going around in big Ol’ circles around the Sun at 67,000 mph! So now we’re going around and around; and around another thing! We’re into double tilt-a-whirl terroritory now! (Maybe with a side order of corn dog, elephant ear, and a Pabst!)

Like that ain’t enough, we’re going around the galaxie at 1.34 million miles per hour! Now, triple tilt-a-whirl in Three dimensions (and some Italian sausages on top) But going so fast as this. The sun is like 93 million miles away. That’s so darned far It’s like like 186,000 Indianapolis 500’s. Now here’s what’ll knock your hat off: Light can go that far in 8 minutes! That’s right, minutes. You do the summnations and figure out how far it could go in a year!!! So now we is going in circles around something that’s also going round.
Now they say on top of that, we is shooting straight out of the middle of the universe. So we are on the most God awful twirl and hurl ride ever invented, and it’s being shot out of a cannon at !!

Then, like I needed more, I find out there’s these things called Newtrinos that are flying out of the Sun and they pass straight through you! Like A white castle sack of burgers and some onion rings, except these newtrinos just don’t even slow down that much! They say there’s all kinds of them doing it every second. You know, I can’t wait to get my danged sports channels back on because this stuff is making me crazy. So, I ain’t even solid? I’m being shot clean though by newtrinos and some other kinds of light too, who knows how many times a second and flying through space in 4 different directions at once, and you wonder why I get a little turned around once and awhile? Tarnation it’s a wonder I don’t just off and hit the fan so to speak.
But don’t nobody ever tell me about sitting on my rear and never going anywhere no more! Nor about wasting no time and don’t even get me started on that. That’s a whole ‘nother direction we’re flying through

howdy

I hope everybody had a fun Easter. I hope to get some new posts done soon. I took on a second job so i don't have so much time at the moment.

This is a "bump" of an easter post

Dear Fast Ed and the boys at the Sunoco,It's finally Spring over here. It's planting time and I'm helping out some of the boys when I get some free time. Those boys go pretty much round the clock when it's time to go. The tractors over here is bout the same as ours. Some of the boys even got themselves deeres. So things are a hoppin here in Mozkojedy. My job teaching at the farm school is going just fine. Evenings pretty much finds me sitting at U Bricho, ain't nothing else to do round here.All the tv is in Czech and it's about the damnedest language there is. Well, more about that later, I don't want to get all worked up into a dander now. A couple of folks here gots a dish on their house, but it don't pick up TNN, CMT, PTL, or even ESPN 10. What they do pick up is all in some other language that I cain't make heads or tails of.Well, last weekend was Easter Monday. Yup, you heard me right, Easter Monday! It is the most heathen thing on earth too. I was in bed for two days afterwards. I like to never got through the day teaching. Of course the students was pretty quiet, heckfire some of them was worse off than me, if that's possible. I was as pale as a preacher caught poking a pony. I just went home and lay in bed a moaning and a groaning, couldn't hold nothing down niether. It was just an all around misery.Now, I swears what I'm gonna tell you is the gospel truth. We do the holiday on Monday, but we don't even go to church! That ain't no problem with me though. You see, alls we got is a catholic church. There ain't no Hellfire's Awaiting Antiot Baptist Churches in my burg.All the same the boys from the Bricho drag me out of bed at 7:00 in the morning. Well, I sure as the hell weren't none too happy about about it niether.But the boys was smiles all around. Ain't none of these boys speak English beyond ,"Delbert," and , "That's for Del" (Dopr Deli) . My lessons at the Bricho don't seem to be sinking in none too well, but of course I ain't exactly rattling off the ol cesko myself. Damned thing is we seem to understand eachother while we're there.Well anyway, the boys was all standing around grinning like possums eating persimmons with these long switches in their hands all strung out with ribbons. Then they pull me out of the door. If I'd a known wahat was going to follow, I'd a broke free and hid in bed all day. We head over to the first neighbors the Gott's. So we knock on the door and waltz right on in like we owned the place. Didn't even take our shoes off like you normally got do like you was in Japan or something. The boys start grabbing the women folk and hiding them real good and hollering"Hady, Hady co pro vody." I think it means the snake is looking for water. Then the gals gives us all an egg! Hell, if I'd pulled something like that back home, I figure I'd get some rock salt in the hindquarters. Then they offer us a half a sandwich. (They's pretty poor over here still and can't afford to put bread on both sides.) Then the men folk poor us each a shot of something or the other. Some stuff called Becker's over and Furnyet. They call 'em appertites. I reckon so, anything to get that taste out of your mouth.Then there was all the usuals, vodka, something called room, There is also this vice drinks, plum vice, peach vice, and cherry vice. They is right, it is about like putting your head in a vice. Well ain't no sooner we all poured outa one door we stumbled right into another. This kept a going on and on. Finally we get to Tonda's house. ( They call him Tonda on account of that's about what he weighs. But, boy can he put down the beer!) We spanked all they women and his Granny gave us some Gulash .I was really looking forward to something warm, those sandwiches are ok, but when a man's a drinking like that; he needs a full stomach of something substancial. It was called serengetti gulash. I reckon because it was so dry. To look at it you'd think it was Dinty Moore's beef stew, but with no taters. That's a shame, cause I'd really have liked something I could chew up. It was kinda like beef jerky. You keep chawing on it, but you don't really get nowhere. I reckon somebodies cow keeled over from old age last week.So then we was off for more spankin and drinkin. I wanted to go home, but the boys weren't having none of it. They kept on draggin me from house to house. Now what follows is what I remember because it stands out. I'm sure there was some more stuff, but I just can't recolect too well. About the last thing I remember, well Hell, ain't never gonna forget this one. Was the Klause's. (No relation to Santa, ha ha) There's this onery ol cuss named older .lives in the village and he joined us going up the drive. Older was about three sheets in the wind. We all went in and commenced to the spankin. There was the granny, an aunt, Mrs. Klause and their daughter Sharka. Sharka is a real mean one. She's always screaming and yelling at everybody. You can hear her all night long. Older gets ready for his turn and bends her over the couch and yanks up her skirt! He proceeds to spank her for a bit and then the old fool drops his drawers! No telling what the idiot was thinking, but you knnow the saying about drinking,"you might et Julie, But you ain't shakin your spear." You'll never believe what happened next. The dumbass just cuts loose and starts peeing on her butt!I was waiting for Klaus to just tear into him and kill the old jackass, but Klaus was just rolling on the floor laughing! About this time sharka showed her teeth. I guess she'd been in shock up till now. She reared up and caught Older with a right and dropped him in his tracks. Well, it weren't hardly fair, the old guy had this pants hanging down to his knees and couldn't have gotten away if he'd wanted to. He lay there a spouting like a fleur de lee!Sure wasn't any of us coulda helped him. We was all just busting our guts laughing. Finally Mrs. Klaus and the Aunt muscle Sharka in the next room and we all get on aout of there. Finally I convinced the boys it might be a good idea to call it a day. Yeah, call it a day and it weren't even noon yet.The village looked like some sort of secret weapon had went off. The men was staggering all over the place. Some of them was even sleeping on the sidewalk. I got home, but it weren't no use. I couldn't get the key in the lock so I headed toward the hospoda. I was shanghied by Alex's wife first. She was yelling and screaming like something was really wrong, and it was. Next thing you know Alex comes staggering out of the house. His face was redder than Zeman's nose. ( That's what the locals say, I ain't sure what it means.) And there was yellow and white stuff oozing out of his head. Scared the hell right out of me. I figured he done busted his head wide open and the brains were coming out. I tried to help, but when I got closer I noticed it weren't his brains at all, but Tater salad! Seems Alex passed right out in a big ol platter of deep fried pork chops fresh from the fryer. Well that lit a fire under him, so to speak. He panicked and didn't know what to do, and the first thing he saw was the tater salad so he stuck his head in the whole bowl to try and cool his face off.As soon as I realized he was going to live, I headed back to the bar. Next thing I knowed I seen older laying out front of his place moaning and groaning. Sharka only got him once, but he was looking like he'd been tenderized! He was all over black and blue. Then out from a bush leaps this banshee just a wailing and shrieking at me holding a frying pan. It was Older's wife. Seems somehow she found out about Older and Sharka and wasn't none too pleased. As I closed in on the bar I see something else laying around. The hospoda sits at the bottom of a long hill. Goats are kept in this field to keep the hill clean. There's some houses at the top of the hill, a church, and a park.. What ever it was in the field was all covered in green and brown, kind of like one of them soldier of fortunes. I got closer and saw it was Fanta. He'd been up at the park going home and decided to have one more and took the short cut through the goat pasture. He must've slipped on a goat pie on the top and tumbled down the whole way getting grass stains on him and hitting quite a few more pies on the way down. I sure wasn't going to help him so I went on in to the bar. Next year I am for certain staying home and sleeping.

howdy

I'm on vacation this week.

The great carp hunt Part one

Well, I was cleaning out the place and I come across this here pile of papers. They was mailed to me and I never bothered to read them until the other day. The fact they was in an envelope inside the one they was mailed in and labeled, “You Bastard” didn’t help none. Well, I figure I ought to just go ahead and post it here!

The Great Carp Hunt
By
Lovec s. Antonsyn

It’s 4:30am in Kozojam and thing aren’t pretty. I sit here with only dollars in my pocket. I have to get out of here. The natives have turned ugly and our sponsors, the Stavkař team have disavowed any connection with us. I have to catch a local train to Sv. Michael, and then another one to Kralupy where we then get on a train to Prague. But there are problems.

I am sitting here with all the windows open and Dechova music playing. All the other Chatas are quiet, but not mine, I have my fan on full blast to keep the mosquitoes and the damned stinging nettles at bay. I don’t even know what to call these things that look like flying ticks hoovering around my glass of Bozkov rum.

I have to pick up my adviser and friend Mel Poorer. We both have to také this broken and trashed Skoda 120L and drive the 10 km to the train station, board the train and escape, all without paying a massive bill. The bill at the main office for a week at the chata, plus damages, plus the liters of slivovice, a double toed foot carved out of sandstone, the granat, and hruskovice and vinovice are way more than we have between us.

Nobody believes we are who we say we are. They have all deserted us. How did this happen?


Dear Mr. Antoninsyn,
Here’s the schedule of events at the Kozojam Tournament. We are thrilled you can join us. The tourney is a biggest fish everday, plus a one shot carp only day. Highest total will win. Every night will be a Kolbasa roast and beer party. We expect over one hundred people. The train leaves Prague at 3:45. No visa is required, nor shots. Although it is rude not to have shots when offered.


Indeed, no shots. I knew better than that. I had been outside Prague before. That is why I needed this vacation. The grueling schedule of deadlines about the latest Czech personality who could speak English so I could get an interview was bad enough. But, I was also doing restaurant reviews and the night clubs, and the kino schedule. I was frazzled and near breakdown. The prospect of a carp hunt was for me was just what the doctor ordered.

When I arrived in Kozojam, they were there to meet me. They were thrilled to have a real American Journalist working for a genuine Prague newspaper. They threw my bags in a Skoda Favorite, and I thought, “Why not?” and all this, Pan Anotininsyn, and respect were great. I wanted to stay at the autocamp in a chata, but they said, “Ne Pan Antoninsyn, you have a room at the Pension!”

On the trip the driver told me. “The family that has the pension owns half the town. They are the town concil and they own the hospoda. The autocamp is not for people like you. All they have is an obcerstveni.”

***************

I had been to these villages before. The ponds were filled with fishermen. They fished until late and then the party began. I had tried to arrange a night fishing, for the big ones, but it couldn’t be done. I was talking to a local, me so drunk on Pivo and slivo that I understood the local perfectly even though he spoke no English. “ Ne, noc ne, ale pro tebe, DO PRDELI!!!! AJ JA JA JAAAAAAAA!” Well, I thought, “this guy hates foreigners,” but then I noticed he was tearing at his shirt and another guy was laughing as he tried to reel him in after hooking him with a number 3 laser carp hook. The maddness was too much for me and I left. Back at the chata Jana was waittting for me and we got into the Trabant and went cruising. I was slugging back more and more Slivo and soon I began to go crazy. We steered the Trabant back toward the pond and the obcerstveni near by.

We crashed through the hedges and parked. The headlights were shining on the shocked fishermen and tha campfire. I jumped out and shouted in my best Czech, “Ahoj! Dobry dano! Jak she mash? Ty vola! Vola! Vola! Ty Vool!” I could see that wasn’t working and indeed they were looking a bit angry. So then I turned to the obcervestni keeper, “Please! I need,” then I blanked out. What the Hell did I need? Why was I in a village? I backed off slowly and dived into the Trabant with Jana, but Jana wasn’t there, it was a big eel! A big eel was jabbering at me about something involving pareks and rohliks. What in the Hell was going on? I started screaming and ran for my life. All this time I heard chants of pivo and curses from hell. All I remember was some Latin sounding chants, “cizinec bulby, cizinec bulbi!”

I awoke some days later by the railroad tracks hidden under a bush. Then I managed to get home. That experince had left me shaken and wiser. I knew what I was getting into this time.

******

So, the night before the touney was to begin, we were in the pension restaurant knocking back the pivo and slivo with some damned toothpaste tasting green shit in between. Then came some vodka some real mind bending pig tranquailizing stuff called fornet-23. It was foul and obnoxious, yet, well why spoil it. It is still legal in some parts of the world.

About this time my advisor Mel started screaming about the ODS and that they were fucking all the little girls and selling them to the Germans for the highest prices. "You rapers! They are commies under a different name! Nothing has changed!” I rushed over and bought some pivo for the people in earshot. “Damnit Mel!” I whispershouted into his ear. “Just be cool. It’s not your country. We have to get out of this assignment alive.”

Then he shouted again. “And the Gypsies! You bastards! You are like the,” He didn’t finish that one. I sprayed him in the face with Beecherovka. He was writhering on the floor before the locals could react. I dragged him out the door and threw him in the pond. After he crawled out we climbed into the Skoda and sped off. 10 minutes later we were on the other side of the pond. I parked the car and looked up into the sky. I must have felt the effects of the slivo for I thought I was staring into a revolving beer ad. The kind that the light went up and down and changed colors and you wondered how they did it until you smashed one and saw it was all just colored glass. While I was contemplating this, Mel came out screaming, “Damnit! Damnit! I’ve found the Czech dream! It’s what we are here for! You’ve got to meet these people!”

My memory of that night is very hazy. The smoke stains on my retena may never go away. We were at the obcerstvni. It is a little place hidden away serving smoked sausage and shots of everything. I remember meeting Franta. He was the dealer of the area. He slid a silver flask to me. I started to open it. “Not here!” he hissed. “In the bathroom!” I went in and took a snort. It was high grade almost pure something-ovice. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. It was clear we would need gallons of this stuff to be on the edge and get into the minds of the people around us.

I don’t know when we got back to the pension or how we got in. Judging from the scowls and disdain that rained down upon us, it must have been a rude entry. Needless to say we missed the first morning of the fish contest. It went that way all week. We kept hitting the ovice to keep sane among these people who sat all day upon the wildly spinning and heaving banks of the pond. Yes, the stavkař people had had enough of us and doubted we were with the number one English newspaper in Prague at all.

I forget which day it was, I think it was Thursday when we were at the obcerstvni, sitting at the picnic table with the grease smoke and sizzling sausages in the air. There was a british couple nearby. We were quiet, listening to them to see if they were just decoys or not. A green Skoda Favorite kept going past, making laps around the pond. Mel said, “That Skoda is making me nervous. You know what they said about that family.” I replied staring straight at the Brits. “Don’t worry. We’ve got a bunch of Ukers from Kiev coming in, besides, they wouldn’t dare try anything here in daylight. They’ll wait until they get a permit. Today’s Thursday. They’ll have to wait until Monday when the “uřad’ is open. By then our Ukers will be trumps around here.”

“What,” said the man. “Surely not here? It’s so peaceful.” His wife nodded. I glanced at Mel. The mafia runs everything in this country. Problem is which mafia. The Israel, Ukraines, Russians, and even the Italians are here seeing who will get the prize.”
Mel took over, “Yeah that green car there is the mayor, he works for the Russians. He thinks he can push us around, but we got a surprise for him.”

We smiled as we watched the couple pack their caravan and speed off. We snuck off and hit the flask again. The problem was the story wasn't ’oming along. I had nothing. I wanted to know what it was like out there fighting a big one and getting him up to shore. We had to find a guide and go after a real fish. Maybe a sharp toothed needle mouthed Pike , or better yet a night sessions after a sumec. A sumec is a freak of nature that grows over two meters long and eats ducks and swans. They have even been rumored to také down a kid or two.

delbert vs kalgonites

will make alot more sense if you've read this first:
http://www.expats.cz/prague/p-611495.html#post611495

Howdy Elmer!
What's new in Possum Pouch? Last I heard Skeet's goat had twins. Times over here just get weirder and weirder, let me tell you! I ventured into the big city again. You know every time I go there something happens. I try not to go, but these darned beerocrats always making you get something stamped and then the stamp stamped, and that super legalized, and then translated into English and back into Czechinese. It ain't believable, hardly. So I guess I better cut to the chase. I know you all is dieing to know what Delbert done done this time.
So, I was tuckered out and wanted to sit down and have a cold one and I headed up towards the Czech White House on top the hill. But I soon found a place that had Chili! Yup, claimed so anyway. Place called the Zlooty Ruse. Feller who's the fry cook is nice enough. It ain't real crowded and you can kick back and také it easy. I even got him to play some Lynard Skynard, that and a cold one, this Czech stuff called Budweiser, but believe me it ain't the same. It was that or Goat beer. I don't even want to know how they make that! Gives me the heeby Jeebies just think about it! Well I had my Chili and I'll be damned if it weren't right tolerable. Actually had some soul to it.
There was some folks in there gabbing away about the dad blamed metrosexuals. Now I'm a reasonable man, but there's a time and a place for everything and I agreed with them. It ought to be against the law! People don't need to be having sex on them things, keep your britches on til you get home I always say.
Well, I left there and started down the hill to the Metro resolved to stick a boot up the butt of the first people humping in my compartment. But the durnedest thing happened. I sat near some Americans. They must have been from up North. You know how them Yankee gals do tend to holler every time they open their mouths. You can hear them from three acres away. They was a talking about their leader. I guess they reckoned nobody else in the world but them speaks English so they can yap away about anything, no matter how appropiate. They is worse than those people with moby phones.
Anyway, they was rattling on about how they was Kalgonites and thay was planning to také over the world! I kid you not! I wadn't gonna sit still for that, so I follered them around. They said something about a saptoe and their leader, Capitain Kal. It was one of them nutty cults, like the moonies, I figured. I wanted to know more. So I adopted my double naught spy* approach and stuck to them like a dried booger.
After awhile they got out and went into an abandoned Stalin statue. I couldn't get in, but I put my ear to the base and could hear just fine. They were clever this bunch, they had somebody puke all over the place to keep anybody from listening too close, but our nations security comes first and I did my duty for the good ole US of A.
Well, it seems this devious bunch was worshipping this alien feller named Kal Korb. "Korb," I says to myself, "If that ain't sinister, I'm a shoe sniffing dirty panty licking butthead!" They asked each other some code words that I ain't devulging here. I done went to the USA embassy and reported all I know and I don't want this information to fall into the wrong hand! Well, to put it short and sweet it seems their plan is to bring the world to its Knees by destroying the English language! Yes siree the first attack is to change nouns into verbs! If that ain't underhanded enough, they plan to reduce idioms to gibberish and then destroy diction. They are working hand in hand with another sleeper cell called the oxford commission.
Dad gummit! I am an English teacher and it rips my heart to shreds to see this happening. I can't sleep at night knowing this is going on. Those Kalgonites are pure evil. They is giving us all a bad name. Well, I'm making a stand. It ain't all coming down on my watch. I intend to do all I can to stop this diabolical plot from fruiting and bringing the world to it's knees! Wait a minute, I got to say this, there's pounding at my door! Shit, they're on to me! Listen this is very important! I think the metrosexuals are in on it too! The name of the paper Kal uses to send his subliminal message There went the door. The name is weguio?Igrijhghrghurguihghhrgioiortuy8tu54uyq88rghdsjvhoiruiou4ut5909ti90i4otrjiohfuiH[DW[FU8U34UTOIJ4IO3TOAUDUFG0NFDGHJJjkhrwehgioarjeiogjikfjhio'jatiojhiojaiothijaitjyakljoirjotgug8u95j4ynjnvuhawyfhgbrei90ugqijhhOIAfieuiotkndfh{DFjgkJHOIgoiarejhyoiaoighioaoiuhatjhiotbRiohjdnvjnoedhfgiohwoith jhvfgrwuh

New phrase!

The Czechs say a person has poet's bowel. Must have to do with the poor diet of poets, I reckon.

New phrase!

The Czechs say a person has poet's bowel. Must have to do with the poor diet of poets, I reckon.

My hike you

Del’s Hikeyou

I just seen the finest sunset! It was pink-purple-red-purple-pink!

(Now some background so this makes sense. A hikeyou is a Chinese poem that don’t rhyme nor is it got more than a couple of words in a sentence.)

(Oh yeah, my balcony faces west and town is east of here.)

Dang

Beautiful sunset.
People going.
Into town.
They don’t look back.

a letter I got

Well, I got this note in the e-mail.

Dear Del,
I see from your picture you’re a slob. You need to lose some weight and shave and I bet you’re missing some teeth. You’re probably a tobacco addict and i bet you stink like some kind carnivore!
Signed,
Expatress who left to get away from people like you!

PS: Dále Earnhardt is dead !
NASCAR sucks!
Go back to the hills and marry your sister!

Well, miss expatress, sorry Pat couldn’t stand you none. I think I can see why though. You do get tiring mighty fast. Only took me one sentence. I don’t need to lose no weight. I eat fine and healthy. Biscuits and gravy and meat and vegetables. Grow much as I can myself. Yes, I might be a bit of a slob. I could clean around the house more, but what the hey, ain’t nobody around to tell me no different.

Why should I shave? Heck, I can sleep a good ten miutes longer everyday and I am “green” (that means I ain’t clogging up my chimney burning all those disposable plastic things) !

I don’t know how many carnies you known, but I do také a shower pretty often.

OH yeah, tobacco. Yes, I do enjoy a big ol’ plug of some chaw now and again. But, it ain’t no regular thing. I mean I think it’s OK, But, I know what you mean about them addicts. My cousin, Eliot Mayfield, he has a chaw before his feet hit the ground in the morning!

My teeth? I ain’t no horse for you to be inspecting, but I do have a chip missing from one of them. I went and said something I shouldn’t have to someone I shouldn’t have said it to. Well, that’s water under the bridge.

NASCAR sucks? It is with great saddness I am not watching the Daytona 500 tonight. But it is interesting that the Formula one world champion couldn’t even qualify. Speaks volumes really.

My sister? Well, marry her? That just ain’t right.

Shoot fire, these days I ain’t disposed to marry any ladies. They is all too skinny. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. I want one who looks like she knows how to cook and enjoy tearing into some bar be qued ribs with corn bread and green beans and some peach cobbler with strawberry ice-cream to round it off.

But from your attitude I reckon you think I ain’t too much worth it. I’ll have you know back in the day I had honies that’s make ol’ Daisy Duke and Elly Mae Clampett jealous! All of ‘em had plenty of meat on them and you just can’t beat a halter-top and shorts!
BTW, they all had more to talk about than how the carnies smelled too!
What is it my daddy used to say? Oh yeah, now I remember, “Some gals play hard to get, some are. Some is easy and some just play that way.”

Thanks for writing Ms. Expatress

today

Just one newsflash today.
(Other than the Wile E Coyotes taking the shortcut across the frozen lake. It is 20 km shorter, but if your car don’t float, it might be better in the end. Now, let’s look at this thing more carefully. 20 km is like 12 miles I reckon. The way Czechs go ripping around at 100km per hour on a bad day, that’s 12 minutes extra, not even taking into account that you can’t be flying across a frozen lake at that speed. So you probably save about 8 minutes tops. Yup, got some more stále dumplings in the goolash!)

Well, I’m in an uproar like a tornado in a trailer park. It seems in DěčJčíN, this town up by the border with Germany they is having a bit of troublwe with vandals. Now, you may not know this, but Vandals is from Germany and they “sacked” Rome in 455 a.d. (I reckon it’s like T.P’ing a house.)

Well, this group have been in the cemetary a wrecking everything. People here don’t get planted so much as burnt and their ashes put in an urn. (The Englanders even play a game to win some.) Well these vandals done tore up the graveyard and was using urns as footballs. Now, the history of the Czechs and the Germans ain’t exactly been a friendly one. But this is crossing the line!
I’m all for all sorts of teaching these critters a lesson. But here you can’t just wait up with a shotgun and blast them back. So, it don’t look like much will be done.

election

This is the news for Feb. 8, 2008.

Let’s see. A special report about the 2008 election vote on the vote or not, to follow, first the headlines:
(dang, that sounded downright professinal)
TV NOVA

Inflation is 7.5%. Now this is one of them there misleading things. You know, like putting a dead fish on your tracks so the dogs don’t follow you if you’re in that there situation. It’s much worse than that! Now I ain’t no econominist, prefer Baptist myself, but the price of elctricity is up 25%, water 25%, heat 10%, food 8%, beer 5% (psst, beer is a touchy subject here. You better be darned careful messing with that price!) Well, there’s even more, but if you add up just what I said; 25+25+10+8+5, it just don’t work out to 7.5. Sorry, I’m a religious man, but even I ain’t got enough faith in econoministerism to make that work out to 7.5.

Ag Ha! I done forgot to add in the cost of living decrease. Yeah, I’m getting minus pay so I’ll pay less taxes and have more money so that the taxes I pay on the DPH (dollars per hour, but since dollars are kind of like toilet paper it might be EPH) will be part of the factor of the demonanator that says how much I make. So even though I’m making less and prices are up, it works out to 7.5% inflation. It’s a bit confussing and I still ain’t clear and then I guess the tax I pay on the tax of my social stuff and health insurance must surely even it out. Even though, I do get a discount that’s taxed to offset the tax that I pay on my taxes I’m still not sure inflation is only 7.5%.


South Moravia

Seems a new treat is mouse bread. Best served with mould. Europians are strange folk, but each to his own. They like mouldy cheese and i tried it and I live to tell about it and it weren’t half bad washed down with a box or two of wine.

Usual carnage from the car wars saga. Remeber that that post about the machines????? I ain’t saying nothing but wait just a second:

Video tape and lies!
Yes, people caught on tape committing crimes have been found innocent! Yes, it seems the machines are waking up. Heck, i get shivers turning my computer on these days!


Election special……………………………………
I type it live……………………………………. (ticker noise clack clack clack)
You read it when i get to an internet connection……………………………….

Today the folks voted on a vote to vote wether or not to vote on voting about a vote on the vote of voting for President. Then it got late and they voted on a vote to vote about it being late and if they should vote tommorow. Then they decided to vote tomorrow after 10:00 if everyone voted on the vote.


Next day and the 10:00 vote is held up because one of the voters seems to be missing. It’s possible he was tired after all that voting and has voting carpal tunellovat syndrome and may need to go to a spa for a year or two and make the voting drag out a bit longer than people wanted.

news

News, Feb. 6

Nothing really unless you think killing cats is fun.

Oh HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beer is now cheaper and better in Germany. The trains to Berlin are packed and the English schools in Prague are even more desporate! Dangerous times indeed!

letter home

Dear Sluggo and the boys at shop,

You might not believe me this time, but I done uncovered American slaves! Yes siree. They passed this new law about schlinkys and how they can travel. But for some reason it means Americans can’t go nowhere without a Visa ™ © card!

If you ain’t got a Visa ™ © don’t bother coming cause it can mean a heap of trouble! Well, to cut to the chase of the matter. I was out hunting for mushrooms cause it’s been real warm this year. Our President says it’s cold like every year and from his window he sees snow all over the place and everything is like normal. He says things ain’t getting warmer ain’t never been no damage to nature from no factory or he’d have known and he don’t know nothing so it ain’t happened. Well, I been fishing here in the river and let me tell you, well a fish ain’t supposed to like this! (artist impersination)

see above

Didn’t have no camera so I had to sketch it out there. Oh yeah, so i was hunting some mushrooms and I seen this crazy looking feller hiding under a bush. He couldn’t speak no Czech except for kind of wimpering, “I no Rose a mean” You know, I don’t care about plants one way or the other unless it’s Kudzu so i figured i done cornered a vegan. They’s people who protect vegetables and never hurt no plants. I was thinking, “Darnit! A mushroom is a plant and this cityslicker is out here to stop me from hunting!” But his English was a bit awkward. It should have been, “I ain’t a rose meaner.” You learn these things when you been teaching as long as I have.

But then the feller just starts crying and wailing away. Heck, I hadn’t even stepped on a toadstool, let alone killed a mushroom. But then I see that he was a little upset about something. He asked me if I spoke English and I said enough to get by. Then he tells his tale.

To make it short and bypass the wallering and blubbering. Seems Czech traders is putting adverts in school newspapers back home about teaching here. Then they get the young’uns to spend a bunch of money on a teaching license, and then give them a job. After that they hold their money and tell them it’s for taxes and to pay off their Visa ™ © Card. Then they tell them they is illegal immigrants and they will go to prison and work in the buchty quarry if they don’t cooperate. So these folk have to teach English for ten years to leave and go home. Except they don’t go home! They get shanghied and sent to China!

Hard to believe it, but that’s the way it is over here if you ain’t careful. Be sure to pass it on about what’s going on here!

News round up

The news from the 31st of Jan, 2008

The Prima Report


Not the Freshest Rohlik in the Bin


Sometimes people just deserve to be in the bighouse. Most of them are onery cusses who’d as soon kill you for a shot of Fernet than tell you it’s five minutes until a quarter to two, but some of them fellers is plain old dumber than a box of nightcrawlers.
Well, anyways, last night these jailbirds was on the news all bigheaded about how they could get “cell” phones (get it! That’s a knee slapper) when they wanted and that there was more drugs than outside. They even let the cameraman také pictures of them with the stuff.

Well, you’ll never guess what happened today. Yup, the police weren’t too happy and in they went and searched it all over.

What was that Stephen King Story?
This poor old guy fell in a cardboard cutting machine. They ain’t sure how it happened. The thing that’s spooky is only a little while back another guy fell in a plastic shredder. Makes you wonder, don’t it?

CTV 1

Step Up to the Plate Somebody!

This burns my butt like a Halaburno hotdog! In Ceska Lipa something happened to a German Shepard and he was in a lot of pain and near death. So, everybody phones a vet, but all the vets got full waitting rooms and can’t make it. There this dog is in agony and all the folks is just standing around thinking how bad it is. They are all in an uproar that the vet can’t just skeedaddle on over. In the mean time the poor dog is in agony. Them folks was just going on about how those terrible vets wouldn’t do nothing. I guess nobody thought that it might be better to také the matter into their own hands and shoot the poor critter, or wring its neck, or maybe smack it in the head with a hammer. Well, maybe if it had been a Czech Shepard they’d have done it. Can’t really blame them for not liking Germans.

NOVA
Ceska Lipa again!

Seems there a wave of car theft there. The police haven’t caught nobody yet though.

Merciful heavens!
Seems in these parts you get into trouble with money and they up and sic the execuce on you! I ain’t pulling your leg. And after you get execuce’ed, they také everything you had left! This is true and I ain’t never borrowing nothing again!

expats

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Expats#

I ran across this and well, I don't know what to think about it!

news update

The news today, or yesterday evening.

The news weren’t so interesting. But there was a couple of stories stood out.

From Nova was the one about Trava babi. This old granny from up around Bruntal got introuble for growing that wacky weed. They caught her with about 5 pounds. She looked about 70 something. She said she was only growing because she has the “excema” and she rubs it on them to make them feel better. Now, that ain’t shocking because I heard this one before. Out there in Mozekojedy a couple of the old timers swear by it! I guess happy feet ain’t all looking like a snake in mid-shed.
From YeeHa lava:
A bunch of teenagers done went and got themselves polluted! Now, i happen to know report cards is due tomorrow, so maybe they was just trying to have a last one before the hide tanning starts! Weren’t the brightest idea though.

Seems a little feller named Lukas got some fingers whacked off at the theater. Plopped down in the chair and his fingers weren’t in the right place.

There’s a czech version of Harry potter due out tonight (last night) at midnight.
Now, what are they doing having their own Harry Potter? Honza keramikar?
This one was from prima.

Now CTV1 is just not keeping up with the other two. However, they did show President Klaus and you know what? I’ll be dipped in donuts if he ain’t the spitting image of Opie Taylor, but old.

American Soldier stabbed to death.

never mind

Czech drivers, open letter!!!!!!!

DoperCHEESE! Ty parcan’ts! (not a par, but I reckon about a million)

Ty Bulb! (very dim 2 watt dusty one at that!)
Well, there may be some polite company around, so my opinions might need to be Dřed down.

Look. I don’t know who in the peklo taught you to drive, but this here ain’t the Talledega 500,000 km race! I don’t care how fast your Skoda 120l gx goes. I do give a darn if you kill one of my students or friends. I do care if you crash into a bus stop and wipe out two dozen baby prams (sometimes I like them Brits. Much easier than carriagesss.)
Your pecker don’t grow by a millimeter for every 10kmp you go quicker than the speed limit! I don’t know who started that there pohadka, but well, let’s just say he don’t want to meet me no more than that old fat guy wanted to go a few rounds with Krkanoš! It’s what they call an urban myth on the internet! It ain’t true! (nor does it have those pivornice guys like that Urban guy draws in tlinky blinky.)

Just slow down. Look out your window and relax. Life ain’t a race to the graveyard, and you might be dissappointted by the prize. Nobody is impressed that you can drive through a village at 80kph.
If you want to be impressed, I know at least 10,000 lidi who want to impress your face with a big ol’ piece of wood. Please leave your name and address if you want us to show you.

co je novehole

The News Round Up

Nova
Another grave robbing:
Old women near Usti want to either:
Kill
Cut the hands off of
The grave robbers. They done went and dug up the bodies and stole 8 crowns off of dead folks. History ain’t my strong suit, but how many kings did they have in Usti? And why was Usti in every other story tonight?

Another Usti story: (usti means throat or neck, I ain’t exactly sure.)
Seems somebody was travelling to germany to buy a car. (Like you can’t buy a car here! Unless the Mark has fallen as fast as the Dollar.) and they left 1,000,000 kačers on the train! It seemed to me they said she fell off the train and threw her money under her seat to save herself. Then the train went on without her even though they weren’t near Germany yet.
It may be a hunch, but this looks like a job for Major Zeeman. He’s the czech Sherlock. He solved at least 30 cases and then became Prime Minister and retired.
Mr. Zeeman, the country needs you! We got this case and there’s still a half a BILLION, korunies missing.

Now in Vysočina, (high China)
Seems something is attacking sheep and eatting their heads. Some kind of Chulpařchutna monster like in the jungle.

Time to buy the new Dalnice (long way)stamp!
Just hope it ain’t one of them fake ones that I heard was about a thousand of.

OOP, time for

PRIMA news
(sorry, weren’t nothing but commercials about game shows that been done and bought the T-shirt. Who want’s to be a 1/17th millionaire, etc…)
Well, to start with CTV 1 and Prima ran the debate. CTV1 lost. Period. But my oh my, don’t Klaus look like an old Opie Taylor!
So, we are gonna stick with Prima.

They said something about that missing money.

Ok, also on Nova. At Holesovica the taxi drivers are revolting because some of them have exclusive perking rights! They think it ain’t fair some folks can get up there and haul the greenhorns and others have to wait until they get drunk first and can’t find where they came from! Seems to me the airplane folf ought to team up with the taxi drivers and ship them off to Budisov nad Budisov!

SPORT NEWS!!!!!!!

Trabant to race at Indy!
A new race model of the Trabant is to be released. It may have a three on the tree! It’s supposed to be powerful and a real racer and I want one! Just to remind me of my Ford 150 with a three on the tree.

Thought for the day:

Now, if some scruffy looking folks come hauling in a piece of the tracks from the railroad, something might not be perfectly right. Might want to phone the police.

American president election

Well, today is the big debate! We might become the fifty-first state of the USA! They is gonna give the presidncy to an American. But i don't recognize his name. It sounds foreign.
Svejnar. I don't even know what a Svejn is! But whatever it is, it does it.

Asteroid and consolodation

It seems there's a big ol' asteroid heading here. Folks is talking and they say it's in the časpoís consoladation.
I think they mean it's going to hit the magazine (casopis) consolodation. This happens all the time. They got plastic bottle consolodations, tires, paper etc...
Every time they get full, a magic fire starts and burns them down. Well now we know it's been asteroids the whole time! This one is supposed to be a big one too!

Peace bratka!

In the interest of peace between Czechs and us cizi folk, I have come up with a compromise.We, the English speakers (but possibly others), agree to adopt č, š, and ž. It will become part of our language.Thus:The čargers suck!šit a brick!er, uh, hmmm, ah ha! Mz favorite ženre is porn.In exchange for this magnaminous gesture, zou agree to give up ř. Nobodz will miss it. just make it š instead. ps, we'll throw in í for good measure so it will be known as Englíš.

in the news and Czech politics

Howdy you all, been awhile I know. Things just keep me hopping like a wallabee on a waffle iron! (That’s an Australian thing. A wallabee is some kind of big ol yellow jacket. This feller from “Down asunder” told me all about it. Dang, the way he told it you’d need a baseball bat to smack one if it got into the house through the screen door.) I tell you what, they got more nasty critters down there than I care to deal with. I’ll tell you all about it in another letter cause I got more important things to talk about now.

I was intent on discussing politics, but a newsflash just caught my attention. They done captured Bat Boy’s sister! I saw it there on the front page of one of them colorful papers. Her ears ain’t as pointy though. I always knew them people was from this part of the world. I ain’t poking around in no caves in this neck of the woods! I wrote three or four letters to that paper telling them about it, but they never paid me a lick of attention no how. I guess this’ll show them!

At least that’s what I thought until I got to listening to people. It seems this lady who was 33, was passing herself off as a boy who was only 11 up there in Scabbynavalia. But get this, here’s a kicker. Before that, she was a 12 year old girl! Ain’t nobody here knows rightly what to think. Here’s the “lay-down-your-hand-partner-I’m-going-alone-in-spades-both-bars-and-rest-of-the-family” trumps! It seems a bunch of kooks was saying she was the second coming! They got them some kind of wierd church going on there! Makes them there Pentacostals look almost normal. Being a Baptist was good enough for the Peaches family since forever. It’s good enough for me.

Now, like I promised, a little bit on the politics around here. We joined the E.U. (the United Europe, they just intial it backwards, kind of like the date. Here Oct.18 ain’t 10/18, it’s 18.10. They just got to be contrary about dang near everything!) Well, now we’re part of the “Shlongenhammer” agreement. It means you can travel pretty much like back home. You know, if you want to go to Kentucky, you just cross the bridge pick up your beer on Sunday and go back home. It ain’t no big deal. If they ain’t got a good buy on Cheetoes ™ here, just cross the line to Germany and see what they got.

Now we got a strasnge systém here. In fact it’s so peculiar nobody can explain to me how it works. That’s right, nobody! First off there ain’t no King or Queen. There’s some feller a few “Orkeses” (that means county) over that is trying to claim a throne, but he ain’t having much luck. He’s fairly famous over here, kind of show business guy. Anyway, there ain’t no King, but there is a Prime Minister. Now, at first I didn’t understand what that meant. I figured he was the head Preacher in these parts. But no, that ain’t it at all. It seems he’s like the President, even though we got one of them too. Now the President don’t seem to do anything. So, it’s sort of a mutt systém between England and the USA, at least that’s how I got it figured and nobody can’t seem to explain no different.

Now, there ain’t no congress and senate, well there is a senate, but it ain’t like our senate, and I don’t know what it does except hang out at their club. The main thing seems to be the parliment. Now, there ain’t just two parties, we got about 5. And ain’t none of them able to get anything done because the others won’t join with somebody else cause somebody else they don’t like is already there. It just beats all. Heck, for awhile we didn’t have ANY government cause they couldn’t figure out how to get enough people on one side to get the thing started.

Then these guys get a bunch of free stuff. They get free gasoline, lights, and cars and all kinds of stuff. They make a ton of money, and get this. They got a bar in the building and they get drinks at half price what normal folks get at their bar! I tell you what, they might as well be Knigs and Queens cause I reckon the whole darned government is full of them! Let’s say you commit a crime and you get caught and you’re going to jailhouse. You know what you do over here? You get elected and then you get immunity which means they can't do nothing to you! It ain’t like back home where it just means you ain’t got to worry about poison ivy nomore.
On top of that it means you can have a harem! I am not kidding you one bit. It’s in all those colorful papers how all the big shots here have a harem! They even have kids by them and it ain’t no big deal.

Well that’s all for now,
Del!