I done found something new and downright flabbergasting

If you don't understand English so good, then I gots a Translator button you can click and get it all in Czech tongue.
Ain't that something?

Czechass stranger

Hey y'all,



What's new back in Pumpkin Seed? How was the fair? Who won the tractor pull? Did the Dovener boys win the greased pig contest again this year? Don't know what it is about them boys, but they sure got a way with them pigs. Who won the Miss Pumpkin Patch contest? Did granny Samer when the Baccer spit again? Send me the article from the Gazzette if you ain't already throwed it away.



Well, I went and done it this time. Half the country thinks I'm some kind of hero or something, but the sherrifs seem to want to lock me up and throw away the key. I guess it looks like I'll have to wait and see what the judge says.



Might as well start at the beginning, huh? I had to go to Praho for some more papers and stamps and such all. You ain't never seen nothing like it, why it makes standing in line at the license branch down in Possum Pouch seem like a vacation! The durndest thing is they is only open on Monday and Wednesday, I kid you not. You gots to take a day off work to get anything done. Mozekojedy ain't too far away, but it takes 6 hours by train, so I headed to Praho Sunday evening. I got up Monday morning to stand in line all day and get hollered at by some fat old broad because something or the other weren't right and then went to stand around in some other line and get hollered at by some other fat sweaty old broad and this went on all day.



It really works on a fellers nerves not to just pick up a chair and start smashing things, and maybe a few employees too for good measure. Well, I weren't in the best mood when it was all said and done, so I went back to my place and changed and went to find a Hospoda.



Seems like I get in a situation everytime I go to Praho. I told you about the last time I went and got into that club. Well, I promised myself I weren't gonna leave my room this time, but my nerves were jumping around like a toad in toaster and I really needed a beer. I found this one hospoda and sat down and had my a cold one. While I was chugging that one down, I heard these folks behind me and I knew right away they was Englanders on account they talk funny. I mosied on over there and said "Howdy" and they invited me to sit down. They turned out to be fine people. Some of those Englanders can be uppity. The Irish I've met have all been down home folks, but they talk even funnier than the Englanders.



The guy said his name was P.T. or something and the Gal, a real fine filly, her name was so-so. So-so was a reporter, but P.T. didn't say what he done. I reckon he was one of them product testers because he was dropping and throwing his camera down to see how many times he could before it broke.



We was just hammering away at the whiskey, but it didn't taste right. I something to P.T. about this, but he said it was Scotch. I told him I thought he ordered Whiskey. He said never mind. I guess he didn't want to start no trouble with the waiter. Then we decided to go somewheres else, I guess to get some real whiskey. We decided to take the subway. They got these right nice escalators, but the handrails go faster than the steps. I guess ol P.T. hadn't quite figured that out yet, cause it was always pulling him forwards and I'd have to grab him or he'd a fell and it would've been like a row of dominoes for sure.



We was looking at the map trying to cipher out which way to go. All the lines gots different colors. I said we ought to take the big blue one as it looked the fastest. Ol' So-so acted like that was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. I guess women shouldn't drink whiskey. Then P.T. tells me that this all was underwater and they had submarines instead of trains. I guess he was trying to put one over on me, cause there ain't no way a body could hold his breath long enough to swim down here to get on the durnded thing.



Now here's where the trouble starts up. It was getting on in hours, so there weren't a lot of folks on the train. Heck, we even got to sit down. We hadn't been going long before So-so tells me to lookey yonder. There was a bunch of people all squished together like with an old granny in the middle. So-so said they was going to rob the old granny. Sure enough, as soon as the doors opened the snatched the granny's purse. I looked around and seed that there weren't nobody else gonna help, so I jumped up and squeezed through the doors that was closing.



There was seven of them two women and 5 men. They wasn't running away, just sort of sauntering off. I reached and jerked the last one to me. Boy, let me tell you did his eyes ever get wide. I planted a stiff knee in his gut and that bent him over then I stuck his head between my legs and gave him the old Pumpkin Seed piledriver. His head thumped like a ripe melon on that concrete floor.Then his pals seen what was happening and they started over to help. I heard someone holler,"Look out Delbert!" It was So-so. She and P.T. had followed me with the old Granny. I guess the wanted to help, but it didn't seem to me it was going to be much of a problem. They was all skinny, except for the two women.



One of the guys comes a chargin at me and and I just step aside and give him the Tennessee tomahawk. I reckon I over done it a bit cause I think I heard something snap. But he went down like a rag doll with the stuffing knocked out. His feet was higher than his head when he hit.Then one of the gals comes heading in and I could see it in her eyes she was aiming to kick me in the family jewels.



You remember how my brother, Delvita, used to be a wrassler in the off season, don't you? Well he used to take me to traing with him sometimes and I got to see them fellers work out. The King, handsome Jimmy and even Joe Laduke sometimes used to show me moves. I was sure glad about that about now, cause the other three was going for knives. I waited till she got her kick going pretty good and then I put her in the ol' helicopter spin and threw right into those other three. Well, the other gal got the worst of it, but the two fellers was starting to get up. I rushed over and gave them the coconut smash. I t coulda been the whiskey or the fact that I was really getting worked up, but I really did over do it this time. I know I heard some stuff breaking and they was bleeding all over the place.



P.T. came a running over all jumping up and down and flapping his arms and So-so was helping the granny. Pt was shouting," Come on, let's GO! Come on, So-so, Run! Forget the Babi, let's get out of here!" We found the granny's purse and everything was still in it. The granny weren't looking none to well, so I picked her up and we headed on out of there. There was a bit of a crowd gathering as the next train was due soon, but the was all clapping and hollering and it weren't no problem to get out. All the way up the escalators ol' P.t. was just carrying on. "Damnit, damnit, damnit. So-so, I told you we should've stayed on the metro. A cab, I ain't never taking the metro again. Damnit, Delbert! Damnit"



Then we got outside and P.t. jumped right out in the middle of the road and stopped a cab. We was all heading over to it, but he jumped inside and the roared away without us. So-so stopped one soon enough and we all got inside and took the granny home. All the way home the granny was just chattering away to the cab driver and he kept looking at me in the mirror and grinning.When we got to the granny's house the cab driver wouldn't take no money and helped us with the granny. Well, she told her husband and pretty soon the whole house was gathered around hugging So-so and patting me on the back.



I knew what was coming next, and sure enough, out comes the plum squeezings. After quite a few of those, we tried to get out of there cause it was getting really late. The grampa gave us a couple of bottles of his "plum juice" and took our addresses and then the cabby took us back.



The next day after I got back to Mozekojedy, I was sitting at the "Bricho" when the news came on. I hadn't told the boys what went on in Praho, but the sure found out soon enough. Seems like somebody had a video camera and got the whole thing on tape and there it was on the news. First story too! The boys all start to look at me and then at the T.V., but at the end when they showed a photo of me,(the one where I was doing the coconut smash) the boys figgered it out. They was looking at me real funny. Then this fat old lady with half her teeth missing comes on. She is all wailing and moaning and screeching and holding up the pictures of those purse snatchers. The boys was really giving me the evil eye now, and I was getting nervous cause something just weren't right.



Then the sherrif comes on and he's talking about 12 mobile phones and showing a bunch of wallets. The boys relax after this and start laughing and even buy me a few beers.



A couple of days later, this white van with NOVA written on it pulls up outside of my place. This lady gets out with a cameraman. As I got closer I saw the granny was with them. She atarts a hugging on me and kissing me and gives me a basket with jelly and such in it, and they was just filming away the whole time. Turns out they was filming for this show called,"Hairy eye" or at least that's how I translate it. Then the reporter starts asking me questions, in English, sort of. It went about like this:



Lady: This lady says you are like hero. She say you saved her life. Others say it is race attack. Was it race attack?



Me: No mam, I didn't know nothing about no race. I reckon I could have done it a faster, if I'd a known about a race.



Lady: So you didn't attack them because they was Rom?



Me: Oh, they weren't no Romulians. Besides that's just on tv. Anyway they looked more like Klingons in that old star trek, you know the one where Kirk and Spock are trying to convince those people they need the Federations help-



Lady: No, No, I mean they were Rom, you know Rom.



Me: Oh I see. Theys Romes.

Lady: Yes, you didn't do it because of that?



Me: Why shucks no. I done what I thought was right. I don't hold it against nobody where they's from. I'd a done the same to anybody, even if they was from France. Heck, I like Pizza.



After they was gone I said to myself," Dadburnit Delbert! You really went and done it this time. You done went and put a whoopin on a buch of I-talians. Shoot, they was probably gangsters too. You know how they're always talking about the mafia over here. You're in it this time boy. Probably cause another war between Czecsko and Italy too."



The next day here come the sherrifs and took me back to Praho and asked me a bunch of questions and stuff and took my picture, but they was pretty nice about it. Not like ol' Sherriff Hognuts over in sasafrass county. They made sure I understood that I had to be back in 6 months and go to court and see what the judge says about it all.



Then a week after that, a bunch of fellers came by and wanted me to teach him how to wrassle like that. Seems they's forming groups to patrol the subways and walk the streets cause they's having problems with a bunch of stags running round. Hell, Wrassling don't do no good with stags, I looked in the book and theys the same as bucks. You could get yourself poked by them antlers, best thing against a stag would be a deer slug or a three point razor broadhead. They's all going to wear coveralls and baseball caps too, they say to honer me as the founder and to make trouble makers see 'em coming.



I tell you what, I've about had it. I ain't never going back to Praho no more. I'm just going stay put right here and mind my own business.

copyright 2004 rude roy

Here's a story sent to me by my friend catfish Carter
Going Down

Hopper and I start down the stairwell to the water level. At the water level, I put on my helmet and climb down the cable ladder to the water, grateful to finally get the weight off as the water releases me from the gravity. As I descend I think, like everytime, how fragile the body is. Billy comes over the radio and asks me how it's going. I tell him fine except my ears aren't equalizing. If worse comes to worse, I just let em rupture, won't be the first time. No aborts today, getting double time plus dive pay. The ears are the only real sign of the pressure while going down. Coming up is a different story entirely.

I always get a kick out of those shows that talk about the depths and the pressure," Being enough to crush a man." It's all about equalizing. I try again pressing my nose on the thing.It's a really clever gizmo that allows you to clamp off your nose, since you can't get your hand to it inside the helmet. I forget who did it, but I think back to that time when hart's helmet had a finger glued in it. "So you can pick your nose while your down there," said the attached card. I don't know what it's called. We just call it the nose thing. "Damned headcold I think as I blow and try to get the ears to adjust. No luck. A few seconds later, they do equalize, unfortunately by rupturing. It's usually just a pinhole sized rupture. I can still hear fine, so nothing major.

My feet feel the mud.
"Topside, Diver down."
"ten four, Diver down."
I walk right into the wall. "damnit , " I mutter.
"Come back on that, I didn't catch it ." said Billy. I forget to think to myself, not talk to myself. Billy hears everything.
"Nothing . I reply.
Must have gotten turned around on the descent. The regulator makes that Darth Vader sound." Luke, come to the dark side." Jesus, how many times have I heard that one? I feel my way along the wall, waiting in the back of my mind to bump into something big, slick, and alive. But that never happens. I come to a corner, concentrating on the mental picture, I close my eyes. That seems to help, but it doesn't matter. The view is the same, open or closed.

This corner should be the corner of a passage into the screen room. If I go straight, the other side should be about three meters away.But it's real easy to get turned around down here.
"Topside, give me some slack," I say.
" 10-4, " Replies Hopper.
Away from the wall, my underwater stride is about half a meter. So, in 6 strides I should be there. This is where it gets tricks. You need an internal compass, because the only ;landmarks are felt, not seen.I walk with my arms outstretched Frankenstein style. Don't wish for the faceplate of the helmet to find the wall first. A breech of the helmet would be most unpleasant indeed.

After 6 strides I stop. I should be near the other wall, or maybe I've shot off on a tangent and I'm 3 meters away from all the walls. I feel confident and continue. I find the wall right where it should be in another step. A sigh of relief, that means on didn't go the wrong way. I don't want to spend an hour wandering around hunting the screen. Besides, Dave would never let me live it down.
"Hey Billy, I'm going in the screen room. Lot's of mud in here. Might want to let the boss know a super sucking is in order here. I'm sure he'll like to submit a bid."
"10-4 I'll pass it along."
How long these screens been down anyway?"

"don't know." "Looks like awhile."
"10-4"
I feel my way along past the first two screens and to number three.
"Topside, the Eel had landed."
" Roger that. How's it look?"
" Ha ha." He knows damned well I can't see. It's an old joke. Like so many others.
I feel along the screens, but they're buried in mud at least a half meter. I start to dig with my garden trowel. I work along the tracks first. I am trying to find why the damned things won't move , hoping it's something we can fix underwater. Preferably on time and materials.

I come to something, a log as big as my leg jammed in real tight." How the hell did that get in here, " I say out loud, once again forgetting Billy hears everything.
"What's that, a cat got your leg?" That's our favorite joke. The legend of the giant cat; every Joe Blow knows someone who knows somebody else who was diving at some dam somewhere, saw a catfish so big it scared him silly and he'll never dive there again. It's a rare job we go to when someone doesn't ask us if we aren't afraid of that fish. Like you can see down here anyway.
"No, but there's a log as big as my leg stuck in these screens."
" Good thing it's not as big as my dick.'
" yeah, I could get a toothpick out in a couple of seconds. That wouldn't be much overtime.Only one way that log could have gotten in here. I'll check the grizzlies on the way up."
""10-4, I bet that's the problem with the number 4 screen too.'
" Guarantee it. Hows my bottom time?"
" 45 minutes."
"Damnit."

I move over to the number 4 screen, dig around, but don't find anything right off the bat. I really want to check out those grizzlies, so I cut the search short. My bottom time is adding up and I hate decompressing. It's really boring.
"Topside? Looks like the same thing here, but the mud's even deeper." So i lied a little, who's gonna know the difference?" hey, I really want to check out those grizzlies. Jesus, Why did they wait so long? They've got two screens down and probably bad grizzlies. The river could rise , more debris, and those other two get broke and they're fucked."
"10-4"
"Hopper, I'm coming back. Keep that hose tight and give me a line pull when I'm under you."
"10-4 diver."

Going out is much quicker because I don't have to feel my way along. I let the hose guide me back. Soon I feel a jerk on my hose and know I'm under him. I return the pull, then add two more. Hopper returns the two and gives me some slack.I head off the other way. Now, I'm heading out of the factory, towards the river. Slow progress, hugging the wall. I don't know how far the grizzlies are, and I don't want to crash into them. I think about some asshole starting the pumps about now. Hopper would stop me, or at least the screens. The pumps wouldn't make me fucked soup. You think about things like that down here. There's always something that can go wrong and you're trying to anticipate it. A completely alien world, made by humans, but where nobody should be.

Then I find the grizzlies, they're rusted really bad. The former 1/2 steel bars are now razor thin.As I feel very gingerly along, I realize they're bent twisted and mostly gone. They must
be the original. The factory was built in the 40's. That means they've been down here for 45 years. Pretty much explains it. If you can't see it ;forget it, until it's broke.

"Topside, These grizzlies are shot. You could drive a v.w. through here. Tell the boss we've got something else to bid on. That ought to make him happy."
"10-4 Hell, he might even buy the beer tonight."
" Dangerous down here, these things are rusted thin like razors. Wouldn't want to get the hose caught on one. Cut through it like that." Snapping my fingers uselessly underwater.
" You copy that Hopper?"
"Sure did Bill."
"I'm heading back. What's the bottom time?"
"75 minutes.""You on that, Hopper?"
"10-4. I got the stops figured at 100 minutes. It'll be 10 more minutes before you're back here anyway."
"O.K., I'm heading back."

As I turn around, apiece of steel bent outwards, catches me. It cuts right through my wetsuit and in to my wrist. . " Uuumph," I mutter. Billy doesn't reply. I clamp my hand to my wrist and realize I can't tell if I'm bleeding or how bad it is. It feels like a minor scrape. But how do I know. That nervousness starts to creep in as the adrenalin kicks in. Time for a deep breath, clear the head. Can't afford to panic, not here. One panic can end a career.

Ten minutes back, ascent one foot a second going up, except; got to decompress. That'll be one stop 14 minutes at ten foot. At least 20 more minutes to the surface. Damnit. If I'm bleeding badly, I could die before that. If i come on up, i could get bent. I don't want to risk getting bent for will probably turn out to be a paper cut. If i am cut bad, then getting bent would be better. If I pass out, they'll never get me up that ladder. Should I tell them or not?
I realize I could be screwed. If we had a chamber, I could decompress topside. I don't want to get bent. I don't know how far it is to the nearest chamber. I think back to dive school and that guy who got bent. He said it was like a golf ball growing in his knee cap. He was lucky it wasn't a c.n.s. hit.Direct pressure; I'll just hold on tight to my wrist and wait till I surface to check it out.

I feel a jerk on my hose, I answer it. Then I feel my feet leave the mud as Hopper pulls my up.
Very slowly. This is when having a good tender is nice. You've got to trust that guy. Or else soda pop. Open a shook up can and see what can happen to your blood if you come up to fast.
I remember the dive school demonstrations. We all had a one gallon tin can. We took it down sealed and it crushed. Then we took it down opened and no problem. Then at the bottom we filled it with air, then sealed it. This is what happens if you hold your breath! Then we let them go, and BOOM! They exploded. Effective demo. I will never forget that. I always exhale on the way up.

The water is starting to get lighter, a dull brown. I should be coming to that ten foot stop by now. I know I'm at ten foot but it's still getting lighter. What is going on. Why isn't Hopper stopping me.
"topside?" No answer. Must be a bad connection, but I can still hear static. " Hopper, topside, can you hear me? " still nothing, but that wouldn't be the first time. Then I hear Hopper say to Billy," Topside, at the first stop."
"ten four Hopper,'' What the hell, it's still getting lighter. I am not stopped!
"Diver one, this is topside, How's it going?"
"Hey Billy, What's going on up there? "
" Hey Hopper, send a jerk to the diver. Make sure He's still awake. I can't get him on the radio."
I don't feel any jerk and things are getting really bright now. I must be inches from the surface. I didn't feel any jerk, but I hear Hopper come back." Topside! I'm not getting any response. There must be something wrong. Bring him up?"
"How many minutes to go? "
"Ten"
" Fuck it. I don't like this. I'm coming down to give you a hand. Pull him up."
At this moment I break the surface, but instead of bobbing, I keep going up. It's getting whiter. Hopper is under me now. What the hell is going on?

copyright 2003